...And When It Gets Compromised

I didn't really enjoy the first half of today. It felt drab, dry and whatever I did, I just couldn't find any satisfaction. It didn't feel good. I felt lost and I hated the feeling.

I was in Sya's room, while she was in mine. (It's funny how we always "switch" rooms whenever one is in the other's. Can't stand each other's presence? I doubt it's the case anymore. In fact, I dare say we or more appropriately I, more than welcome the company. Lately I feel like Im alone, makes me feel hopeless and thus depressed. Can't stand it.)
With my old companion guitar, I sat down and decided to rewrite a song that I wrote quite some time ago. Entitled: Stranger, the first few lines goes something like:

"You look at me in the eye
I can't help but smile
You come a little closer, closer to me
Your smell it enchants me
Your stare cripples my knees
You stand a little closer, closer to be seen
You're just another soul
I wanna know
You're just that pretty face
I want to embrace
You got me now
Hypnotized somehow
Your eyes they pull me over
To danger
But I want you stranger"

I got stuck after that... Still open to changes, but I think I have a pretty good idea of how the direction, tune and melody of the song is gonna go. Strangely at the very start of the song, it sounds like it's gonna break into Damien Rice's Blower's Daughter! But I guess as the song flows, the difference is obvious. I won't worry about it anyway. Damien Rice is a perfect example for writing songs with similar sounding tunes and feels and yet succeeds in making them entirely different in their own ways. Brilliant.

The better half of the day by a mile, began with me going out with a close friend. Thinking about it now, I am glad I intiated the outing. It's been a while since we last met and got to hang out. Always having a good time, it's a wonder why we never hung out that often. We will do this more often... as we should have. The makan place at Lucky Plaza was excellent. Absolutely loved it. And that part of Starbucks will be our Central Perk from now on.

I look to my eskimo friend when Im down...

Getting down to serious conversations about our lives, petty matters and secrets, I don't think there's a better person to share it with right now. The advices given were freakishly similar to what sis had for me. I wonder if the lad's actually a woman trapped in a man's body or perhaps he was a woman in his previous life. Whatever it is, it justifies my belief that he's one of the right people to talk to. My confidant. You should be so proud... Love ya. (God I sound so gay... Heck I think if I were, you would've been my clear pick! Haha.) On a serious note, I hope you do know what you're doing. It's risky business.

Now, Simon or Garfunkel. Take your pick.

Cheers dude.

Let's Move It Along

John Mayer - Wheel


It's an ongoing battle between the mind, head and heart. Im constantly contemplating on things, whether I should do this or that or simply not do anything. I think this will take a while before the dust settles. I say the quicker the better. Cos it's just not funny at all, not anymore.

I don't think I can ever explain what I felt then, those first few days were hell. To think about it, it's probably one of the worse experiences I've had. It still lingers, only that I think Im at another hell's level now, one which is closer to the exit.

I think the fact that Im back to writing again reveals a good sign that perhaps things are slowly getting back to the way they used to...before IT.

IT. Strange how I used to have a discussion on this... The movie where a monstrous evil clown scares the shit out of his victims, killing some of them. And 10-20 years down, the survivors still remember and feel the same ill-effects. I wish that doesn't happen to me. But if it does, then we all know what happens at the end of the show. The evil clown dies. (does IT?) The survivors win. I'll win.

I'd be lying if I said I've forgottten and not missed her at all. I still do. Something tells me that I'll always will. But there is only so much between holding on to something or letting go. It's a fine line. A compromise between what the head and heart says. I will have to find that balance quickly.

Remembering what they said, not to think too much about it unneccesarily, and keeping yourself occupied with good stuffs and friends. (single friends for the better cos you'd appreciate more of their company than those lovey dovey lovebirds..! haha.) I guess sis had a point. If things don't work out, then they were never meant to be. But I still wonder why they have to happen in the first place(?????)

I just remembered something that Marlina said to me. How you shouldn't give your entire heart out to someone, no matter how much you feel for them.

You can't love too much one part of it...(??)

It's back to the old drawing board now...

(Hopefully come september, I'll have some good news to share... God willing.)


Cheers.

You Don't Want To Know (You Take Much More Than I'd Ever Ask For)

D - Day.

Dear Friend,

I am living in anticipation of you. Every beep and ring, I wish... You have poisoned me and my mind. Im an emotional wreck. You just won't leave and I can't let go.

I wonder what you're doing, everytime. I think about the things you'd always do and say, like cracking your lame silly made up jokes and riddles. Your bizarre explanations on matters of the world. And singing songs... albeit killing almost every single one of them. Except for No Sleep. You were perfect with that. I still smile when I think of the things you do.

I heard you. And for a moment, I rejoiced. You soothe me.

Love. I'd sacrifice it for friendship, anytime.

Now, you'll sacrifice me for everything else. Your sudden cold voice breaking the peace suggesting that you meant what you say. No qualms. No hesitations. Apart from that, it seems that you're doing alright. Everything appears to be back in order. Nothing's changed. And you've found a new friend. You've always wanted it. Sweet. Im happy fur you.

You were a lover. More importantly, you were a friend. You made me happy and laugh.

The kidding-kiddoo song. ( I'll never get the words right...)

Like you said, we'll get over it. Bit by bit, memories will fade. But even when I find closure, I doubt it. It's a shame things have to end this way. And you'd keep one and throw the others. It's sad knowing Im just one of the others...

Take care my weirdo.

In time, you'll disappear. Im here and I'll remember you :)

Will You See Me In The End?

Keane - Hamburg Song

Day 1.

Dear Friend,

I don't think I can do this. I don't think it'll last for long. As much as Im trying to, the thought of you lingers stubbornly, just like the person you are.

You said not to try. Im trying not to try. You know you've always had the power over me. But still I wanna call you, but if I do, will you pick up? Or will you call me instead? Will u ever?

It's ok if you don't. Just let me know you're still there, somehow. Any sign. I need assurance. Don't erase yourself from me. Leave all that's about you untouched. I need your presence around. I beg of you.

Don't say forever. Let me know for how long. I'll wait. Go away now. But don't get lost. Don't lose yourself in the music. Come back again. I'll wait. Let me know for how long. Don't say forever.

I miss you. Goodnight.

Fix Me To Fix You

Do I paint a picture so clear and simplified that at one look it tells a story? Are the words painted on me? I suppose Im not so mysterious afterall.

It's funny too when you think you know yourself more than others do, like you understand you best. We might be wrong. I am wrong. We'd like to think that we're always right, justified in our actions, in most if not everything we do. How I wish that was the case. We may not know it but sometimes we get blinded and the good escapes detection from our eyes' radar. Unknowingly, we get on with doing what we feel is the best bet for whatever it is, our trust on the trusted not once wavered. I guess it's a dysfunctional disease that breeds and reigns in us humans. An invincible flaw. Somehow rather no matter how big or small the scale is, we make a point about our righteousness, how we're right on something. Like it or not, we're all big stubborn heads. It's just for the feel good factor.

Judging is an evil word. No one has got the right to judge but God himself. So it's almost laughable whenever we try to play God. Only God shall judge me.

2 + 2 = 5

Anything's possible. But I am too stubborn and sceptic for that. I only choose to believe in logic. I believe in what I think-feel is right. I have the invincible human disease. I have the flaw.

There are many fishes in the pond indeed. All Im saying is, if you like tuna, you like tuna...

Wish You Were Here

Coldplay concert was a blast.
I just wished you were here..

Lights Will Guide You Home And Ignite Your Bones

I don't know how it developed. It happened overnight. I saw the signs but I chose to ignore it. Now Im left with a hoarse voice. Fucking irritating. I can't complete a sentence without my voice breaking. How the bloody hell am I gonna go to work with this kinda state? Blame the heat. Blame the lack of water. Blame the current conditions. Oh and I smoked a cigarette too. That felt awesomely good.

The past month or so has been a hell of a rolllercoaster ride. Full of ups and downs. The highs especially, the greatest heights. Unfortunately however, it's ended. I think. It was a ride I've never been on and potentially the best I have ever been on. Something I'll never forget ever. The past month, I became a kid again. I was the happiest then. I thank thee for that.

I don't know why we can never be happy. Perhaps it's a curse. Perhaps it's karma. Perhaps it's just bad luck. Or perhaps we just don't believe enough. As much as I hoped we'd be a closer unit, there's just no indication that it'll ever happen. I think I've grown accustomed to all these silly petty fights in the house. To his grave, grandpa was never trully at peace with mum. Grandpa and dad, mum and dad had their load of issues. Mum always seemed to find faults with sis right up to her marriage. When I was growing up, I felt that dad was always picking on me, and hitting me. Now he only screams, I'll never tolerate anymore of the old nonsense. We've never had that father-son relationship kinda thing. I just wished we were closer. Of cos, there were the occasional sibling squabbles, non more than those that involved me and Sya. And little An seems to be living in a world of his own. As long as he's safe and happy, I wouldn't mind. Im just glad that the bond between us siblings are much more concrete these days. Brothers and sisters unite.

Perhaps, Uncle Spencer and the close friends are the only people that have made me genuinely happy, always. Without them, I don't think I'd be a normal person. Of cos, I'll always love mum.

I just think I need to get away for awhile.

If You Never Try You'll Never Know, Just What You're Worth

I fell asleep on a late night train... Then, something unexpected happened but it was the most loveliest feeling I'd ever felt. As she stood and strutted forward, I tried to catch a desperate last glimpse of her face, a reflection on the door. I remembered thinking and asking to myself if I should follow her.. I didn't. She left, and with it took away an opportunity I wished I had taken. I am seeing the face I've grown to be crazily fond of turning on it's fading process. God knows when it'll disappear..if ever it chooses to. I fear she's slipped through.

I wished I'd return and this time tell her the things I wanted to say then, tell things I've always wanted to say but was too afraid to. Do the things that turned wheels. A second offering of hope. Feels like I'll never gonna get it and nothing's gonna change now. Hard luck in repetition.

To have a clear illustration of things, everything in your mind would be a kewl thing to have. To have full knowledge of how they worked and the things that make them fail. Knowing their strengths and weaknesses. To understand me. Understand what I have and lack. Once then Im sure a straight long road with several junctions will never be of any worry. I have chosen my path. Whether it brings me to the destination Im seeking is altogether another matter. I could be lost trying to find it.

I feel like I am getting what I gave, even though honestly, I was unaware of the negative vibes I was sending out. I thought all was fine. I thought it was all close to being perfect. Nothing is perfect. I am only human. We learn from our mistakes. And I promise I will learn from my mine.


So I fell asleep on a late night train...I missed my stop. But it'll go round again. And if it does, I will try...

For now, Im just glad she's still here. Move on now...