Try To Find Somebody Then You Die

28 Nov 05 - 12.13am
Radio = The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony

Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today? [Part 2]

Im pissed. The TV's down. I can't watch the EPL game!! Man U's playing. Im really pissed. Gotta wait for dad to fix the TV. Shitos. Im really really pissed.

It's been a while since I wrote and talked about work. Guess everything's back to normal now. The dust has settled. Finally [I think]. No more missing the old team. Though on the odd days, the feeling returns. And I get moody all over. Sheesh. Today. Had a good day at the office. 3 simple routine cases attended. No strings attached. And everything went smoothly. Arrrrr if only every day was like this..

Right. This is really demoralising. Not when you're thinking everything will be ok and you think.. "Im ready to progress to the next level". The parents have spoken. And it's not good. Is this another of fate's many cruel game of twist? Come to think of it, I had not thought of this nor even expected it. The backlash. It sure hit hard. It was only during in the van when it got across my mind. Thanks to Indra's constantly bugging me with it. I was worried. And true enough, my fears were realised the very next day. I was bitterly disappointed. The way she handled and said it. Im sure it could have been dealt with another better way. Advise? Or sat me down and discussed at the very least. That day. I slept throughout. I just didn't want to think about it. Woke up the next day, the feeling remained. Hated it. I just couldn't shake it off my mind. I kept on thinking of why they just couldn't be more accepting and open-minded about certain things.

But when I really sat myself down and think, I thought perhaps it was all said and done in my best interest. Im sure they meant that. The more I think I of it now, I think whatever reasons they've laid, they make perfect sense. It's my LIFE. I gotta decide, plan and think better than what Im doing currently. But it's not to say that I agree 100% about the things they say. And Im not saying Im fully satisfied. I've got a few of my own principles. I think they're reasonable enough. So with that said, I don't think Im gonna throw it all away. Not giving up.. not yet. Let's wait. There's still some time. I hope the second coming will be a happier occasion. Just gotta be patient, though I dunno for how long more.. But like they say, good things comes to those who wait.. Fingers crossed. Hoping. Praying.

1.44am

It's over. I've missed the game. Im freakin' pissed! Cable guy - Tomorrow.

It's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

You know I can change
I can't change

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Have you ever been down?

28 Nov 05 - 1.45am

Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today? [Part 1]

26 Nov 05 - 5pm
Radio = Stereophonics - Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today?

Life has never been easy for me. Never was and never is. Why is this such? Is He even listening to all I've been asking for? Or have I just been asking the wrong questions.. For once I really wished that things would have gone the way I wanted it. No. I can't remember a day where I was really really happy over something. It's only on those few moments. And then they're gone. They never last. Somehow I feel like Im being punished by Him. I don't know for whatever reason[s]. How come there are people who are worse than me behaviour wise and yet seem to enjoy their life more, and have all the luck in the world. Why are they not punished for their many sins? The things they're are forbidden to do but still do, with such arrogance. Of cos I believe they'll get their dues in the afterlife. But at least they're enjoying life while they're living it. Me? I seem to be drifting along with time. I just can't change this. Am I trying hard enough to change it? I just dunno. Should I be grateful for the kinda life that Im having right now? I know I should. I've got a family. Though we may not be the happiest but we're still together at least. I've got friends. Great wonderful people. I've got a job. A stable one. And what of love? I've always thought that Im sorely lacking and missing in that department. I think that's the only thing Im left without. Anyway talk about that next time. So I guess there are a lot of others who'd be happy just to have a pinch of the life Im having. Bla Bla Bla.. I should stop complaining right? And yet it's just that one thing that I wished He'd grant me. Satisfaction. "I can't get no satisfaction!" I just wanna feel satisfied living. All the things that will make me feel that way.

Write down all the things that you'd like to say
Write down all the things that you'd like to change
Write down all the places you'd like to stay
Write down anything that you want
Is yesterday, tomorrow, today?
Is nothing gonna change the way?

26 Nov 05 - 7.04pm

How Bout Friday Night...?

18 Nov 05 - 2.47pm
Radio = Better All Day

Im waiting for Erin's reply. See if she says ok for today. I had planned an outing, meeting.. whatever you call it. I think she's still asleep. At this hour? YES! Must be tired from all that festive outing she had last night. Plus she's a heavy sleeper anyway. So no surprises there actually. Im still waiting...

I've got a feeling. Im thinking about someone. And strangely enough, I can't keep my mind off it. Off that someone. It's very strange. Never felt the way Im feeling right now. Hmmm. Could it be the signs that friends were talking about? Should I tell? But when is the right time...? Answers. Answers. Answers.

Listening to Indra's song right now. Well I could say our song actually.. Can I? To be honest, it's a lovely song. The words, the tone, the riffs make it into one nice song. Really relaxes me. The weather's helping too. Currently raining outside. Drizzles. I love that. Lately we've been planning for a band reunion.. if I can say that we were ever one in the past. I think we were. Haarrr miss those jamming sessions, acoustic sessions. Playing Oasis/Travis /Coldplay songs.. I remembered how I was always anticipating for the moment, step into the studio and start blasting away on the guitar. No matter how much we sucked at playing together, we always had fun. Always. Those days were such a blast. And now, there's talk of a reunion. Suddenly Im all excited. Feel the adrenalin rush just talking about it. I hope this works out.. finally.

How bout friday night?
Friday night's ok
Just keeps getting better
And better all day

18 Nov 05 - 4.02pm

Everyone Gotta Be Somewhere

12 November 05 - 3.59pm
Radio = Stereophonics - Traffic

..cont'd.

Right. I should finish this. Been trying to the last few days. Somehow I just couldn't find the motivation to satisfy the intention. Lack of free time was a factor too. Thoughts written here have been scattered into sections. Somehow rather I hope they'd fit in nicely..

That day. 7 Nov 05. It didn't start off well. Waiting for the bus was mentally torturing. 170. I think I've read an article somewhere in the papers about a complaint on it. The chap mentioned that he had to wait for so long till it arrived. Well now I can add me and Erin as victims of it now. I swore we waited for like 30mins. I think. Should be close nonetheless. Bum was getting swollen. And then while we were in the bus, didn't share much of a conversation. I couldn't really think of anything interesting to talk about. That was strange. And yes, she was sleepy anyway. I could see that. Great. I was bored and slowly getting restless. And then I started feeling sleepy.. Just great!! And so we basically laboured on through the whole journey. I was sure if it had taken any longer, I would have gone to lala land..Thankfully we reached destination soon enough. There, we met a man. He was a little "funny" - weird. He kept on talking to us like he'd known us for years. The atmosphere was such a reverse! Anyways.. he asked if we were a married couple..... excuse me..what?? I didn't know what to say. Clueless to how I should be feeling towards the remarks. A smile was all the brain could think of. So then I smiled...before instinctively both of us shot a "no we're not!" reply to him. From then on, I don't know if it was just me..he seemed to start paying more attention to her. Conversation wise. Bah! While he was busy chatting her up, I was busy writing on that white piece of entry paper. Good preparations a? I remembered hearing one of the many "interesting" questions he asked . One went something like if she was Eurasian [?? right!] cos he thought she looked like one....yawn! Wait did he just tried a pick-up line?? It had better not be cos if it was..then that would have been so LAME!! I knew she was starting to feel uncomfortable. Kept bugging me to hurry up. I was trying! I wanted to lose him just as much. And then out of nowhere, he told us that if we ever were short of money, we could turn to him for financial assistance. He'd be more than glad to help. And then he gave us his business card. Huh?? What the f***? What is he? Mr psychotic loanshark samaritan wannabe??!! He was eager. And maybe a little desperate. Anyway I almost forgot to mention how in the first place we had even got associated with him. As much as he appeared to be crazy, I didn't think he was. Rule of Engagement. We had made the first move and chosen him. Well, actually she did. Sigh, tsk tsk tsk.. But we needed a favour. Didn't have a pen. Whoa we really came "prepared"..! I tried asking but the customs officer couldn't bear to part with his. Awwww, okay! Then...we found our man!! And the rest is history.. "Lucky" choice. Ok, off we went then. Changed some money and headed to City Square. It's a little worrying when you get stared at "hungrily" by the locals there. Think walking chicken drumsticks like those in the cartoons e.g Tom & Jerry.. Haha. We were hungry. Two fickle souls resulted in some time deciding where to eat. But we knew our orders from the start. Pasta for her. I was going for Fish & Chips. Got into a cafe like restaurant. It was like as if we were in Swensen's cos everything in there replicated the franchise. Only that we were not. We were in Season's. Haha.. The food serving could have been more but that just explained why the prices were cheap. Still, nice edible food. Right. No complaints then. After that, we went out for a breather. For a smoke. Im gonna make her quit. Indefinitely. We bought 4 packs of cigs. How to stash it through customs? .....I'll just say walking has never been so uncomfortable. At least for someone. Go figure. Haha. Hmm desperate time calls for desperate measures. I remember thinking as we were walking towards security, ..what if?? Think Brokedown Palace. Haha way dramatic..

Reached home in one peace. We figure we'd go to town to chill through the night. I have a story to tell now. It's called The Loo. See I was in the loo. Answered 2 calls. Phonecall from a friend and nature's call. Didn't know how long I was in there..cos when I went to the lobby of the loo [if you can call it that], Im saw a figure outside. A girl. And she was peeping into the Men's loo! Just then that tune, the sound you always hear in thriller movies when the killer stalks his victim, rang. In my head of cos. Shocked. Psychosomatic Addict Insane. It was Erin! What was she doing?? She said I was in the loo for so long that she had to check. "Check". Haha. Really? I didn't realise that. Or, was she just being a psycho peeper? Hahaha. But I believed her. Gave her the benefit of a doubt. But for God's sake, please please please don't ever do that again! Later we went to Starbucks where it would be our last stop. Nice setting. At one point, Damien Rice's Cannonball aired. Haaaarrr....really nice. Conversations. Conversations. And more conversations. Took some shots too. Could have had more. But it's difficult when you have someone deleting away pictures from the camera that were deemed ugly. Sigh..term candid camera counts for nothing then.. And yes I didn't get her anything. No gift. You IDIOT!! I felt bad. Really. But on the way back later, I did promise I'll get her one. And so the night ended. Celebration wasn't the way I would have wanted it to be. Could have been more exciting. Saying this, I think it wasn't that bad either. Something simple and sweet of a day to remember..

Went out with Indra the other day. 10 Nov 05. To the old home we went - Tampines. It's been like ages since my last visit. Things have changed. New shops everywhere. I was impressed. Got me some clothes and a PC mic. The latter luckily didn't cost a bomb. Did some window shopping and there were some things that I wanted but I just couldn't buy. Well I could actually. But then financial balance would have been somewhat upset. Not when it's still 30 days away from the next pay. Shitos! December wishlist just keeps growing.. Still, I got something that I didn't expect I would have gotten then. But I was glad I did. Got "it" out of the way. No more need to squeeze the brain for ideas. That was a surprise. Was good. And I love good surprises! Icing on the cake. Merci Indra..you're a genius! I just hope the juice was worth the squeeze. And no worries, I'll remember. $25 bucks into your coffers next pay. Merci Beaucoup..

That same day. Sandy went to the hospital for the results. I don't know what's the outcome. Only know she's given an option for an OP. I hope everything's alright. Nothing life threatening or anything like that. Really really hope so cos I kinda sensed that it could be more than that and she's not telling..

The thing about relationships - it's like.... a comet. It could strike or miss you. And when it does hit, it breaks to you gently or strikes as hard as a curve ball. Either ways you would never know what hit you. You've fallen deeply in OR out of it. And the biggest worry is of cos the latter. It's depressing. It's sad. It's pathetic. I don't wanna feel that way. No one does. Everyone wants a homerun. We all wanna fall into cupid's spell and see it through. Who doesn't? I want that. But I don't know why.. with me, the cons always outway the pros. Or so I see it to be... [?] Perhaps that is why the comets have missed me all this while. I could be partly responsible for that. I might have avoided them in the first place. Now. I can't help thinking. Possibilities. A genuine opportunity awaits. Everyone seems to share the same opinion. A friend said I should give it a go. Im thinking...perhaps. I should. For the consequences, I shouldn't worry about it now. I've been worrying long enough anyway. They will come as you go. And things change. Just hope and pray everything will be alright. Im glad I had that conversation. Thank you. A friend in need is a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better..

5.52pm

Late!! Right Im off to work.. Arrivederci

12 Nov 05 - 5.55pm

Find Someone I Can't Stand To Live Without

7 Nov 05 - 12.51pm
Radio = The Perishers - Going Out

Ideas. Ideas. Ideas. I've never been one to plan things and see it through. More of a spontaneous person. Accidents. Things happen there.. that moment. So..which is why Im kinda stuck in a situation right now. Today's Erin's birthday. And I haven't got a clue of what to get her. Shitos! And where o where do I bring her to????? It's not like there's many interesting places to go to anyway. Would have helped if there was some kinda carnivals going on..Would have really help. Gosh.. Anyways, she's came out with something. [should I be hiding my face? REMINDER: Im no planner!]. We're going to JB. That's something very new for me. It's not like I've never been there before...it's the "We" part. Well you know what I mean

1.07pm

Time check. Ok for once I really don't wanna be late. I should be getting ready now...NOW!

Alright. Good luck. Im thinking whatever happens today..happens.. Have Luck. Have Faith. Have Hope. And as they say Love will spread around... I know. I just made that up. But one thing's for sure, tonight Im going out....

...to be cont'd

7 Nov 05 - 1.20pm

Why Don't We Share Our Solitude

2 Nov 05 - 11.50pm
Radio = Mew - Comforting Sounds

Ok I'm only updating this cos someone asked me to. I've been lazy to lately.. And I don't know why I'm obliging to this person.. Hmmm. [Have I been cast under a spell?]

Alrite. Yesterday. 1st November. 2 occasions. The other - Deepavali. It was the first of many happenings. Family didn't go out for dinner or anything like that to celebrate.. I understand why. With all the preparations for Raya goin on..who has the time? Sobs.. But at least I got some well wishes from them and some close friends. Was alright. I did went out anyway..briefly.

Met Ms Sand. She was "kind" enough to accompany me. [haha] Photocopy-ing her antique kid bankbook[??] I've never seen that bank book all my life! Cute though. Went to Gay-lang..boy was it packed with "pests". The young ones. And I was actually being dragged around by this seemingly "harmless" looking creature.. khakha. I didn't wanna go [but I did wanna - confused fickle prick me]..hated walking behind congested slow moving human traffic who were there just to show their unnecessary presence. You go somewhere for a purpose. I was there for 'dendeng'. Sure soak in the nice atmosphere. No complains about that. But just for the sake of goin there and be a hog?? Well most would say it's an eye candy there..I totally agree. LOTs of eye candy. Left, right, centre. Im one with a photograpic memory but I myself had problems keeping up.. Eyes can barely catch up. Brain working overtime to remember the last "picture" and the one before that and the one before the one before that.. Mind had problems updating the brain. But I had a picture well stuck in mind.. And she seemed to be following me wherever I was going. Eyes on me. Mine on hers. Duh..

"Humpty dumpty sat a wall. Humpty had a great fall.." What am I saying? Hmmm let's see. Ah I remember. How can I not. I've never had any one fall right in front of me on an outing and birthday that is before..But I did..I did..I did saw someone fall. [say it to the tune of tweety bird's quote..] Haha. It wasn't just a stumble or anything like that..it was smack down! Hopscotch jumping or whatever she was trying to do.. Try to act cute again [la]. Hahaha. Gosh Im bad. I should stop. It's alright. Only 2 souls saw the fall [I think. She wished]. Me and another orange-T guy on a bicycle. Plus she looked cute when she fell.. You've got the style.

Last stop - Coffee Bean. I wished the setting was better. What with line dance music playing in the background..Bah! It was hardly the laid back chill place for 2 people to have a decent conversation while sipping on their coffees. I had problems trying to persuade a stubborn head to go somewhere else.. She stood her ground. Well done. And so, we sat there..talking..and listening to that music. We might as well should have just joined in and line danced! Anyways, it was still a good feeling. Sitting and chatting and drinking on ice blended coffee. Im a sucker for that.

And yes I did one last stupid thing..Don't know if that's the right word. What was I thinking then..I can't figure out. But intentions were good. Trying to be sweet by doing a dumb thing.. Haha. That's not so bad is it[??]. Bus to home was near then. But I took an opposite 'trip' instead. But it's ok. No regrets at all. Maybe I didn't want the night to end yet. Maybe..

3 Nov 05 - 2.42am

It's Raya! Woohoo!! Sandy get the kilos.. That's an order!

2.47am

Im off hunting to the kitchen. Got soccer on TV later. This is gonna be fun... Arrivederci

It's hard to make sense
Feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens
If someone else comes
I'll just sit here listening to the drums

3 Nov 05 - 2.49am