I've Been Dreaming

I can't recall a time where things around the house have been this empty and quiet.

Sis called and we spoke for a while. I got to know some disturbing news, developments that I never knew existed right until now. I knew mum and dad were not quite on good terms but I never really thought much about it. I mean a family crisis is a family crisis, and no matter what somehow we'd always overcome it and things would go back to the way they were. For one who's seen a lot of wars and peace in the family, I won't deny that I have and am taking things for granted, that nothing worse that petty fights could ever break us up. I hate to think about it but the possibility is real and I can't imagine it happening. I can't accept any part of it.

I've never seen mum like this and Im worried for her. The bigger worry is, I don't know how to help her or dad too for that matter... Somehow providing a listening ear just doesn't seem to be enough.

God, let there be love cos it seems to be fading fast within mum, within dad.



I know having a relationship or trying to start one is always difficult. But to actually go through it at firsthand is mind boggling and I do mean mind boggling! In all honesty, I've never been on a real meaningful relationship. As compared to those typical young and rushed monkey love, to one that feels adult. And catching the prize of cos has never been my speciality. I've either been to shy to let my feelings known therefore letting the girl be taken by other unworthy scums or I just didn't care enough to try harder and be smarter in the game. Dumbass weirdo. I lack credibility but knowing me, I know the potential to do well is there in me.

Apart from the rare spats (not Single.Parents.Alone.Together!), I think we're doing fine. And Im just glad I have her at this point of time. Me beside you beside me.

It's a bittersweet feeling. Here you are being at one of the happiest times of your life and on the other hand, potentially one of your saddest all at the same time...

About A Boy

I've some good and bad news.

The good news; after a month away, mum came back home safely from France last Sunday. The bad news; she is still suffering from a hangover. A great deal of it apparently. I don't know if I should sympathize or feel let down.

She's had her fun there. For one who had the support of the whole family, the least she could have done was to show some excitement over our reunion. As much as she denies it, it's easy to sense her heart still lies in France. Im not gonna murder mum over this cos I do actually feel for her just as well. Genuinely. Knowing Liann was perhaps the best thing that could have ever happened to her personally. Something refreshing she'd never experienced before. And who could've blame her? At the latter stages of life, can all of us be sure that we'd still have the same present circle of companions around us, occupying days of our lives?? There is no guarantee of even one surviving. The number just dwindles, Im sure. So for mum to find attachment and happiness in a complete foreign stranger of different religion and culture, I think is something amazing.

What is not, is the fact that mum and dad had quarelled (dad wasn't happy with mum being disillusioned since returning while she banged on how he'd never been appreciative of her). I don't think they've spoken two words to each other since. In times of war, it's hard to appease and find instant settlement when one is a hot headed fire spitting dragon while the other a sensative cold stone.

It's perhaps just the fitting of the puzzle. Or just adaptation. Mum to settle back to the life she knew while the rest of the family ease off her as she slowly finds her local bearings again. It is ironic that trouble has been brought about since the day two complete strangers found seemingly pure friendship in one another. It's like a double edge sword.

It's just another day in the office for the Othmans. But Im sure we'll pull through this like it's always been in the past. Me and the sisters will see to it that we do. Im just saddened the lil' ones; Amirul, Nadya and especially Shirhan had to see the war.



As for me.....



On a personal note, Im on a high. The bella I adore is back. (out of the bluest blue) That is something Im fortunate of and grateful for considering the current developments at home. There just has to be a balance of things right? God is merciful.

Ok this is gonna get a lil' cheesy. Bear with me.. They say if you release a bird and it flies away (*everyone ok??), then it was never really meant for you. But then if it comes back, then it's your's to keep...surely.

Now I know it's early seasons to start blowing the horns for a victory march. All Im saying is an opportunity has come begging again and Im not about to let it pass a second time. To make the best out of it. For all the negativities said and done, Im ready to forget and compromise. I guess that's just the nature of my game.

I've asked. How do you know when you're in love? (*right hang in there..) I don't think the answer is defined as clearly as I'd want it to be. ''Well you just know it..." What do u mean by you just know it?? How?? Is it like an intuition?? More of which; sensing or feeling?? Does it come to you instantly or does it take time before you can possibly tell what you're feeling is love, actually?? If it's about how special the other makes you feel and how you're willing to give it all for them just as you know they would for you.

"I've been meaning to ask you.

What's the difference between a girl who's your friend and a girlfriend?

Well, I don't know.

Do you want to touch her?

Is that so important?

Yeah, you've heard about sex, right?

It is kind of a big deal.

I know. I'm not stupid.

I just can't believe there's nothing more to it.

I mean, like, I want to be with her more. I want to be with her all the time.

And I want to tell her things I don't even tell you or Mum.

And I don't want her to have another boyfriend.

If I could have all those things...

...I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not."

- transcripts: About A Boy

Now imagine me and you...

It's All About Your Cries And Kisses, Those First Steps That I Can't Calculate

I feel terribly sorry for dad. He works so hard on the job, slaving himself to it and I doubt the bollocks above him have got any heart at all. Knowing the strong person dad is, I can only pray for his good health. On the flip side, Im disgusted by his temperament and inability to understand me. Somehow he never fails to make me feel guilty over anything that doesn't work out in the play. It's like a sport where I always end up the loser.

Last night, I couldn't say yes to him. I couldn't ditch her. It just didn't feel right. We had only settled and having the appetising middle eastern food fill our stomachs. Unfortunately dad's unexpected request spoilt my appetite, killing all hopes of a second round appearance at the serving. That upset had the surprisingly disappointing ambience a run for its (my) money.

Everything just seems to fit into place once again. The temporary exile that we had never threatened any awkwardness at all, suggesting as if we've never been away. And like some invincible magnetic force, she draws me in effortlessly. My sails at the mercy of her wind. It's something I wished I had control of but the power she seems to have over me is almost second to none. I don't know what it is or why, it's just something I can't explain. When Im around her, I still get those goosebumps sometimes. I get nervous and then my mind will just shut leaving me void of expressions. That I found out unfortunately won't do me any good.

I need more information and understanding. A lost tourist in unfamiliar territory, perhaps I could do with a manual book.



In the blink of an eye, it's already been a week of fasting. And rumour has it that mum's coming back on Saturday. :)