Blame It On The Black Star

I've been tiring easily past couple of days, sleeping more than usual. That's odd. Perhaps going back to normal shifts after a month of office work has turned the body system upside down. I pity the body. I pity me.

I "missed" friday prayers today. I think I suffered the repercussions. Perhaps Im just being superstitious. (Not that I won't suffer from any consequences missing the prayers). But Im the kind of person who believes and likes to think that you either get punished or rewarded for the things you do. The "you get what you give" theory. This seems to be happening to me, most of the time usually for the bad ones. The remaining occasions of bad behaviour gone unpunished, I'd like to think that God was taking a break and missed my deeds. Or perhaps He was just cutting me some slack.

For the whole day, I just felt lousy. Groggy. Headaches seem to come and go. Nothing felt good. Driving certainly didn't help. On the road, in the car, I guess you can never please everyone. I understand that. And I don't know why I feel sorry now.

I'll forget the day, go to sleep and hope things work out better tomorrow.

Today's just been one of those shitty days.

Troubled Words Of A Troubled Mind, I Try To Understand

Radiohead - Black Star


Mum is going away on a holiday to France soon...to visit some French lady named Liann. Only God knows how they became friends, and such close ones over a short period of time. Amazing.

I still can't believe she's going and all by herself. On the other hand, Im happy for her. Travelling is always nice. The only worry is how well the family is going to cope while she's away. Heard it's gonna be a month long stay! I know for certain, I'll be missing her dearly.

So things might just get a little bit lonelier in about a month's time. This is not good for my sanity.

The past couple of days, weeks when I was out, I passed places I used to sit, stand and walk by... And everytime I did, the mind would wander and recollect. The still images that played in my head of cos never connected with the current situation. Vacant spaces the reality of it all.

A Surprise.

I realised it only recently and it sure shook me up. It's like going through rehabilitation and you think you're doing well, only to fall back to your old cravings again. It's probably all in the mind. Being revisited by the past, made me feel good. Hopeful. But at the same time, Im confused. It's all bittersweet.

What am I to do -







Hailing from the brilliant album: The Bends, this under-rated track truly ranks among the best Radiohead songs. Love it.

Hold On To Your Kite

Everyone in the family now knows. Well now I guess others will soon...

As much as I've remembered, I don't think I've ever seen that look on her face. Well, perhaps I have years and years ago, it's just been too long to recall. So it was nice to see that look again.

It was obvious. She was proud of her boy and glad that I finally accomplished it. It's always a good feeling whenever you see mum smile from ear to ear.

Keeping the big secret in wraps even for a couple of days was hard. I just had to tell. I got a "you're a freak...!" from sis. Haha.

Yesterday, I drove mum and dad around for the first time ever. The first time that I ever drove our car too. Dad got so practical. ''This is for this is for this is for this...'' It made me nervous. But once on the road, nervousness slowly faded and substituted itself into adrenalin... It was a great feeling. I've got a day of experience under my belt now. Woohoo awesome!!! Haha

It's unbelievable. Im on the driver's seat.(?) Still trying to stomach all this...

Something So Beautiful

It was a feeling I hated. Waiting for the test to start. It was like school examinations all over again. Anxiety seriously could have caused me heart failure. I swore I've never felt it beat so hard. And the straight arrogant look on the tester's face certainly didn't help my confidence.

The good news is... I PASSED!!! I tell you it's an unbelievable feeling... Knowing that you are finally able to... after years of patience, waiting. It's a personal achievement Im proud of. Im a different class now. Woohoo!!!

This will be music to them. A pleasant surprise they'll have soon.

17th August 2006 - Life just got a lot interesting

I thank THEE for giving me something so beautiful...

Cheers. =)

Just Don't Let Me Down

The Kooks - Naive


I passed my IPPT the other day. Got a silver and with that a cool $100 added into the coffers. (it sounds much cooler when you say it with the automated operator's voice in mind, the one you hear whenever you do your EZlink card top-ups. $100 added..) Rubbing hands with glee...

That said, I've got another monster of a test (bigger)... later in a few hours time. It's about 2.15 in the morning, and I am realising I should have been in bed right now but I just can't. For once, Im really nervous! Seriously.

The Test.

Instincts, control and judgement... Don't let me down. And God, empower me with charmed luck. Show me something pretty please.


p/s: Take it easy. Whatever you're going or went through, will be compensated. Im sure of that.

I give up far more quickly than before I can actually achieve. Still, it all very much depends on whatever that's in pursuit. Zodiac sign reads Scorpio.

I dare say, no one ever knows who they really are nor do any have answers to all questions, 100% completely. No one could. No one should. If one ever did, sHe'd be perfect. But WE are only humans. That's why we make mistakes to learn from. But knowing that impossible is possible, to know all or most about solutions, will still however cost us time and stages.

Like you, I am always learning. So chill.

The Way This Wheel Keeps Working

My stomach feels weird. I can almost taste it, everything I had earlier. Blended caramel coffee with whipped cream, pizza, pepsi, chicken and of cos the countless sticks. And almost for certainty, the latter's the one that is causing the most amount of discomfort (and health damage) now. Not that the super spicy chicken was any good to stomach.

Smokey filled belly... I'd reckon gas panic to come anytime soon.

Met the good friend again for our weekly meeting. It's good that we're keeping to the promise. I had to see him anyway, for the good stuffs. Crazy cravings...

When you're friends with someone for a certain period of time, you tend to know their characters inside out, understand their body language. So it wasn't difficult for me to realise that good pal was in a sombre mood. Something about his face just wasn't right. His cheeks were sagging... Seemingly. Haha. Body language wasn't good.

His problems are (were) just like mine. It's great to know that someone trully understands how I feel now. Not good for him though. L-O, L-O, L-O, L-O-V-E... Im talking about L.O.V.E! ( I L.O.V.E Ashlee Simpson!) ... Anyway, it sucks when it doesn't work for you. To have it happen to someone you know in a matter of weeks from when it happened you, that is sad and tragic. It is a funny little thing when you think about it. I think Im near sailing while he's entering the rapids... Take it easy friend. We'll meet at the fall.

What Women Want

No man knows. It's a thing every single man wished he had powers over. Understanding these complicated creatures that co-exists and unfortunately something that men ( - gays, no offence) can never live without. Fuck. Why did it (L-O, L-O, L-O, L-O-V-E. Can't help humming the song in my head!) even have to exist in the first place? Why can't we, men and women just live happily as non-committed beings, contented with having each other's company, only in the name of friendship. You have to agree that L-O-V-E (sometimes) ruins relationships, friendships. I add testimony to this.

In good times, women can be the most beautiful thing God ever created. For worse, they're like witches. Ugly evil monsters. Casting spells on men that seem impossible to break... The potion for cure being a strong will of heart and time itself.

All in all perhaps, this is just what life is all about. A balance of things. You win some, you lose some.

I am winning, at work that is. Passed national day duties for once (yipee!). Plus Im real excited over the course Im undertaking. Work has never been this fun! Soon...

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

p/s: Im curious. Lil Chiquitita, tell me who you are.

When Someone's Last Goodbye Blends In With Someone's Sigh

I still miss you. (Fuck) I won't be the last...

As much as it feels that I've begun to get a grip of things again, the feeling sure is weird. It just doesn't fit. Perhaps this is what a friend meant. Not knowing why things don't feel right even when all is over and seemingly gone back to normal. When returning to your "country" now appears alien suddenly. Lost and void of soul. To say getting back to the way things were has surely thrown a whole new meaning to me now. I realised that it's just not about going back to how I lived life then. It's about getting back and stepping up a level. There's the need to or the lesson learnt from the past will go to waste and only serve as popcorn entertainment. If there is one thing I learnt, then this is definitely it. Take risks and live not in fear. I remember, you said.

In solitude, it's comforting to know that solace is just about around every corner you turn if you ever need it. Motives may never be known, but whatever it is...still... To those concerned, my sincerest gratitudes...

In words, everything said perhaps paints a sad sorrowful situation. It was (perhaps) but not anymore. So for knowledge (esp you Ms Erin), Im not sliding helplessly on a downward spiral of spirits. Im just down. But don't we all fall before getting up, bigger and stronger??

Levelling up. I have surely stepped up on this one. And Im afraid I might have be hooked unknowingly. Now there's an offer. Did I hear cartons??? I give myself to it. The urge for going...

In about 9 hours time, Im gonna do (definitely maybe) the best office hours work I've done in years. Excellent stuff. Pure adrenalin pleasure. Soon...

Time is now. Now is redemption. Goodnight.


You won't be the first...

People Have The Right To Fly

Part 1.

1st August 2006. I'll remember this day.

For I realised something today. About control. How essential it is to have in almost everything that we do. You see you might not realise it (yet), but control seems to be something that we're all empowered with. It is only the amount of application that defines the difference. Between being one or the other. We choose the settings.

Crowd. Greed. Temper. Ball. Traffic. Animals. Emotions. Mind. Power. Machines. Money. Speed. Birth. Game. Army. You. Me. (Me+You=)Lust.

Now, do I make any sense at all? As complicated (kookoo?) as it seems, it's in fact all plain and simple. It's just me. I like to complicate things. Soon...

Control. I just felt how important it was for me to have it today. And I think I can and will master it. Sure I'll be good at it. Just give it time.

I'll be around the bend.


Part 2.

If I was gay, I'd be a cute short one? Something's not right. I'd be a cute charming gay. Hmmm that's better.

I saw the video...Squamies?? What in the name of...! *gasps* ...My friends are crazy. But I guess that's why they are what they are to me. Somehow crazy people just interests me... Entices me. Still tho', it's kinda kewl thing what they did. I want one too... sing, sing sing to me people!!!

Past few days, I've been spending more time being out. And I like that Im doing it instead of staying home, locked in the room. That's just recipe for depression. Not that being out takes me away completely, just that it does seem to help. Keep it rolling now.

And oh, don't watch Lady In The Water!!! If you still have to, kill yourself.