Fill These Spaces Up With Days (I Can't Sleep)

Time and time I've been told to stop blowing bubbles into the air. Yet somehow I remain stubborn. Sandcastles I've built remain unaltered. I just can't bear to let go and let reality blow them all away. As much as the optimistic person I am, I wished I was just as realistic. Dreaming and hoping for far more than I actually set out to achieve, I continue to install pretty images of the future and foolishly, overlooking treacherous ditches on the roads ahead. As I drift along with the currents, I worry that I'll get swallowed by the sea one unsuspecting day. Perhaps mum and dad were right all along. That you think you've come of age and you know everything... All I know is what I know. The rest of life's lessons remain the hidden unknown, either lying in wait for an ambush or revealing their beautiful sides in peaceful motion.

Dad saved me today. I had went against the safe bet. But as he went on about preserving a clean slate image on the job and not to fool around, I began to think twice. Im glad the warning came early enough before it was too late for redemption. Relieved, I'll sleep easy tonight. To think about it now, what is an assured $19 compared to enduring nervy moments of not knowing the outcome, if I'll pass or face the jury if discovered.

Without any treaty signed or friendly words exchanged, the non-existent relationship I thought I had with dad seems to be questioned lately. Perhaps, the working partnership has to be blamed. But Im not complaining. I just hope the calming of the sea between us will continue.

I wonder how mum is and what she is doing right now... It is strange sometimes that I don't think about her. Maybe it's better not to. Until the day she's returning home, I'll refrain from thinking too much. I'll try my best.

Within the growing emptiness, Im glad that a familiar glow has returned and shed some much needed light and life. Somewhat suggesting that it's here to stay, I am however silently worried that the clear sky will deceive. That it will invite the clouds over, soon blocking the sun again.

Stay.

I Can't Speak To You

Azure Ray - Sleep


Mum left for Metz, France last Friday. At the airport, I felt calm, strangely. It was only when I saw mum going through the ticketing counter of the departure hall that it finally hit me. Mum was really leaving. I fought back the emotions and for periods, I was winning. But as I looked on her walking away, through the clear glass, I started to weaken. The more she turned and waved goodbye, the more my heart sank. A rush of tears suddenly welled in my eyes and I was helpless to resist this time. I had told myself prior to seeing mum off that I wouldn't cry. I managed not to (honest!) but I felt terrible. Miserably sad. Dad was his usual self, strong with emotions. But I knew, he was tearing inside. Water dams broke for the other brother and sisters. I hate goodbyes.

Anyway mum's touchdown safely. Right now probably enjoying the beautiful sunshine scenery perched on top of a hilltop as she dines with her dear Liane. The sweet aroma of french toast with mac and cheese served with freshly brewed coffee... Either that she's enjoying the city of blinding lights...Paris.

I don't want to be counting down the days, not yet. For now, it's easier to let time roll away. Days have passed and I've been successful enough to not think too much about her. But Im getting the feeling that Im starting to miss her, her missing presence evident in the gradual piling of clothes for the laundry, the unwashed dishes lying in the kitchen sink. The windows in my room remain shut without those helpful hands of hers. Things around the house feels stagnant and still. For one who's often locked in his room, I've not been blind nor oblivious to this. It's mum that holds the family together. She's the heartbeat for me.



I saw The Devil Wears Prada last Tuesday. I was only watching it to see what the fuss was all about surrounding the movie's premiere. I didn't actually think I'd enjoy the movie but I did. I found it to be a surprisingly nice movie, thankfully. It wasn't about the clothes that I found fashionably interesting. (there weren't much on display anyway). Nor was it the pretty actress. What I liked about it was the learning value behind the entertainment. I know it sounds corny, whatever it is that was just what I discovered. Being true to yourself and standing up for what you believe in.

Family, friends and you. Personal life and the job. Each affected by the choices you make. As you set upon it, you slowly realise the outcomes. Some which you actually expect to happen, and some unintended. Things will never work both ways for you. Simultaneously, as you thrive on one thing, you fade the other. There was a part in the movie which made good sense. They were talking on about family and the job and bla bla bla... when the guy mentions something like if things start falling apart at home, it means it's time for a promotion.

To get to the top, sometimes we inadvertently hurt the very ones that supports and love us. If I knew, I would never do it. I couldn't. Im just not ruthless enough. My whole life, I've always centered around simplicity. I don't need to be filthy rich, surrounded by pretty people and in social life be known as the popular one. Being looked up to has always made me feel uncomfortable. I'd rather just go about my business quietly through the radar. Any success shared, while not making any grand announcements in failure for sympathy. All I need is a good stable job that feeds, ever present friends, a united family and one special person who stands by me through hopes and fears. One who loves for whatever I am and not. Simplicity will make me a grand person.



Just an update on little Nadia, she's about 4 months old now. Getting cuter each time I see her... When she blabbers and smiles at me, she brings me into her own world.

I miss mum.

I Get Scared But Im Not Crawling On My Knees

Having friends, real good ones around you is a total blessing. They keep you calm and collected. They make you forget all your troubles, enlighten you and bring smiles to your face. Problem is, they can't be there for you 24-7. And it is those times that I feel lost and most loneliest. Not that I have a family to fall back on. It's just that we're not the most communicative group of people living together that you'll ever find. Either that, it's just me. I think it's the latter. And I think that's a big problem I don't know how to correct. Whatever it is, I know I'll always have a family's back if I ever seek solace.

I just miss my teenage years. I feel that they passed me by too quickly. They're gone forever and yet Im still left thirsting for those lost quarters of my life. I don't want to grow older cos Im scared, worry I'll never be sure of what my life's gonna be like in the future. Dreams and aspirations are still a blur. Is this what they call mid-life crisis?

It'll definitely be of some help if I had someone. A close companion. Someone to share my hopes and fears, intimately. Learn to walk the tightropes of life together. I guess, Im just scared of being alone at the end of the day. But who doesn't?

I just hope that God will soon send me an angel to guide me. And He will ask that she stays with me...

What I Chase Won't Set Me Free (All I Wanted)

Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy


I had a drive around with Indra last wed. Destination was Orchard. But we got more than we asked for. We got lost on the road. Dorks! I guess that's only normal for first timers... isn't it? On the ECP, I missed the exit for Rochor to get to town via Suntec. Indra's conversations distracted me. Kudos to me for trusting him to be my extra eyes on the road. Soon the lesson (and torture) began. Getting lost was one thing, hearing constant garbage from the person sitting next to you was another deal to handle. He was that irritating, surprisingly. I had wanted to punch him. Yell at the top of my voice to ask him to shut the fuck up. And wished he'd disappear completely so that I'll figure out the way in peace. Those were in mind. All I could offer in real time were pathetic "oh really..." and the "ahuh..." replies to his nonsense. For a moment, I wished it was dad sitting next to me.

I guess seeing I was a little worried that we won't getting anywhere familiar and probably cos our asses were starting to sore, he became more responsible and help to lead the way. And along it, redeemed himself. Somehow, all I remember was going in circles off some road before we magically (praise the Lord!) found ourselves in Clarke Quay. Of cos, I was familiar now. Those years of policing certainly came in handy.

We hit Orchard close to midnight. It was a rare treat. Walking around as a normal civilian without having to worry about the public's eye. Having supper at Mac's that late hour without having to worry how you're gonna get home brought such an o' good feeling.

As if it wasn't getting any later, we took our guitars stuffed in the car, and played through the wee hours of the morning. Harrrrrr...




What's gone will always stay with me. Memories will be cherished. I just wished we had advanced technology where we could have our minds erased. So that we can always start again, each time a brand new person unscathed by any painful past.

To have the things you thought were lost forever return to you is always nice. It brings a nice surprise and I've always loved that. And everything has been clarified. They are much clearer to me now. But in knowing the truth, Im saddened by the fact that perhaps I was being misunderstood. That my true intentions were never given time, a chance to prove itself. Fear always chokes our hopes.

Things are different now. Somehow there's still a tiny thought in me, wishing things then had been different. And who dares question the existence of possibilities. But I know it's a tall tall order for changes. I don't want to live in the past. I hate waiting. I hate hoping for something good to happen only to be disappointed in the end. So I think for the good of me and others, it's best to leave things as they are and not ask questions. Forgive and forget. Be grateful with what you are and what you have. Let nature run it's course.

Beautiful thing. Perhaps I'll stumble across another...

Sociability is hard enough for me. But Sya says I need to stop depending on the computer. Instead go out more and do more, with the hope that I get to meet and know more people. Perhaps that's what I need to do.

Im sure the time will come for discovering. Right now, I just need a moment to settle. Cos now it's all just me again, back where I started and Im not sure of what I want...


p/s: Mum leaves for France in a week's time. :(