I Can't Speak To You

Azure Ray - Sleep


Mum left for Metz, France last Friday. At the airport, I felt calm, strangely. It was only when I saw mum going through the ticketing counter of the departure hall that it finally hit me. Mum was really leaving. I fought back the emotions and for periods, I was winning. But as I looked on her walking away, through the clear glass, I started to weaken. The more she turned and waved goodbye, the more my heart sank. A rush of tears suddenly welled in my eyes and I was helpless to resist this time. I had told myself prior to seeing mum off that I wouldn't cry. I managed not to (honest!) but I felt terrible. Miserably sad. Dad was his usual self, strong with emotions. But I knew, he was tearing inside. Water dams broke for the other brother and sisters. I hate goodbyes.

Anyway mum's touchdown safely. Right now probably enjoying the beautiful sunshine scenery perched on top of a hilltop as she dines with her dear Liane. The sweet aroma of french toast with mac and cheese served with freshly brewed coffee... Either that she's enjoying the city of blinding lights...Paris.

I don't want to be counting down the days, not yet. For now, it's easier to let time roll away. Days have passed and I've been successful enough to not think too much about her. But Im getting the feeling that Im starting to miss her, her missing presence evident in the gradual piling of clothes for the laundry, the unwashed dishes lying in the kitchen sink. The windows in my room remain shut without those helpful hands of hers. Things around the house feels stagnant and still. For one who's often locked in his room, I've not been blind nor oblivious to this. It's mum that holds the family together. She's the heartbeat for me.



I saw The Devil Wears Prada last Tuesday. I was only watching it to see what the fuss was all about surrounding the movie's premiere. I didn't actually think I'd enjoy the movie but I did. I found it to be a surprisingly nice movie, thankfully. It wasn't about the clothes that I found fashionably interesting. (there weren't much on display anyway). Nor was it the pretty actress. What I liked about it was the learning value behind the entertainment. I know it sounds corny, whatever it is that was just what I discovered. Being true to yourself and standing up for what you believe in.

Family, friends and you. Personal life and the job. Each affected by the choices you make. As you set upon it, you slowly realise the outcomes. Some which you actually expect to happen, and some unintended. Things will never work both ways for you. Simultaneously, as you thrive on one thing, you fade the other. There was a part in the movie which made good sense. They were talking on about family and the job and bla bla bla... when the guy mentions something like if things start falling apart at home, it means it's time for a promotion.

To get to the top, sometimes we inadvertently hurt the very ones that supports and love us. If I knew, I would never do it. I couldn't. Im just not ruthless enough. My whole life, I've always centered around simplicity. I don't need to be filthy rich, surrounded by pretty people and in social life be known as the popular one. Being looked up to has always made me feel uncomfortable. I'd rather just go about my business quietly through the radar. Any success shared, while not making any grand announcements in failure for sympathy. All I need is a good stable job that feeds, ever present friends, a united family and one special person who stands by me through hopes and fears. One who loves for whatever I am and not. Simplicity will make me a grand person.



Just an update on little Nadia, she's about 4 months old now. Getting cuter each time I see her... When she blabbers and smiles at me, she brings me into her own world.

I miss mum.