Love Is Hard

Love takes hostages.
Gives them pain.
Gives someone the power to hurt again and again..

The Great Escape

Hello.

I've been reading past blog entries.. it's strange how i get all immersed in them. Like i'm seeing it all for the first time. Imagining im reading someone else's life story. Yet at the back of my head, i know it's mine.

I realised that i haven't been myself. That old youthful spring in me somehow seems to have disappeared within me. Im getting more stressed up, more frustrated easily these days. Maybe the pressures of life and all its expectations have gotten to me..

Me and my baby have been together for 3yrs and 5months..(+/-?) We don't have a date of when this relationship really became official. Haha.. All i can remember is that i knew her somewhere around her birthday. And both of us just decided that was gonna be the "official" date.

Around that time, i remember the first time she ever asked me out, the first time either one of us did. Yeah she asked first..i was a pussy. She wanted to watch this cartoon movie called "Over The Hedge". I had just finished my soccer game then. She said to me teasingly, she'd be willing to pay for the movie tics and i just had to come. Somehow the plan didn't materialised. I can't remember why..

It's been a long time since then. It's like i've been sleeping in dreams all this while. Floating softly to lullabied good dreams and shaking violently to stormy bad ones. I had spoken of the "honeymoon period" in past entries. I think it's already past. It came and went without me and maybe her ever realising it happened. In between those bad days of fights and arguments, these little "honeymoon periods" must have came and settled. But i took it all for granted. And so they stood hidden and soon faded.

I got lost and forgot how we were. I forgot how much i wanted her and how she made me happy. At times, I feel that i've let her down. Like she's seeing a whole new person in me that's a total opposite from the one she knew during those early courting days. I think, ever since the talk of marriage came, i haven't really been myself. And i think it's not right im taking it all negatively. Yeah the thought of finances are annoyingly worrying but that shouldn't be thought of as a burden. It becomes one when you make it out to be.

Self assuring one with words is such a fake thing to do but it does give a better feel. I just hope, things will all work out in the end. Please.

Things haven't been going well for me and her. And i don't know why. Whenever we fight and i think to the last thing that we share: a relationship, i dare not think of ending it. I just can't bear to let go and see her disappear from my life. And though we've said our 'i love yous' countless times, i'd want to say it again now with the thought in mind that i really mean it. I love you baby. Words being just words, if i ever get lost and go back to forgetting, please stand by me and guide me towards the light again.

I hope we'll find that peace and happiness again.. Let's.



"We have our silly fights and petty arguments. You may not be perfect, just as is me, just as is everyone else but the ultimate importance is that I've never felt happier with anyone and this is the best thing that's ever happen to me. Thank you for making me feel important. Friend and lover. I cherish you."

- Sunday March 11th, 2007.

Sweet Disposition (oh reckless abandon)

>>>play the music first!




seconds. minutes. hours. days. months. a year.


Hello. It's been awhile a? I haven't had any drive to blog since the last entry. To be honest, i cudn't care less to whatever that wud've happen to it. Lately though, i've had this urge to write again...i dunno y

Recently, i watched '500 Days Of Summer' with feeza. Enjoyed it. Reminded me of when i started dating her. The walkabout around IKEA especially. The IKEA scenes in the movie instantly brought me back to the past. Sweet sugar rush feeling all over again. And probably, a visit to the past was what i needed.

Too many things have happened. Too many events have gone and past. Too many to be mentioned here, right now. Try, i'll re-piece the memories together, re-collect those significant moments and pour it out in bits and time...

*Rejuvenated* More late nights to come.(and it doesn't have to be due to facebook anymore!) It feels good to be back!



a moment, a love
a dream aloud
a kiss, a cry
our rights, our wrongs
a moment, a love
a dream aloud
a moment, a love
a dream aloud

so stay there
cause i’ll be comin over
and while our bloods still young
it’s so young
it runs
and we won’t stop til it’s over
won’t stop to surrender

Love Is Noise

Hello.

So where were we...?

2 years have gone and it seems we haven't really understand each other completely. Arguments that we cook out of nothing irritates me alot. Like when we're laughing and smiling one minute and then suddenly on the next we're at loggerheads. I'm not blaming you. I am naive and sometimes ignorant of the things i say or do. Either its done on purpose or not, only i know but it's something i'm honestly unsure of myself and i gotta seek deep to begin explaining. There is something very wrong with me and perhaps it's a weakness you pick on unknowingly. And perhaps that's why our quarrels are personal mostly. I know it's hard when we're quarelling. You want to solve things quickly without dragging our feets while I would rather call time to calm our fires down. I don't know which is better. You do have a point about saying that i'm just sweeping matters under the rug without actually cleaning them up. So on that basis, i have to say i'm wrong. Be more patient and calm with me. Cos when you're tone is calm, i'm at peace with you. I've told you before, i hate being pushed and rushed by anyone. My system will only shut down till things lighten up. And anyway silence is easy. I admit i'm not the easiest person to communicate with prior to what you could have thought in the past. It's a fact. But i hope i'm difficult only during bad times. I don't know why words just disappear and i can't think of what to say when we're in the boil. When you're firing away your points, i'm a blank and feel like an open target. I truly wish we could have a decent fight sometime where it's fair game. Again, i'm not blaming you. It's only natural when people argue they talk and reason, something which i find hard to do. Lest you've forgotten, i'll just remind you that it's not me being rude and showing disrespect when i don't respond to you. I'm just hiding in my shell, away from war. I don't want to be battling from beginning to end. I'd love it if we could hug and make up in the middle of things.

I'm a rare breed. Something you haven't encountered in your entire life and it's a challenge. You are trying to figure and understand, i can see. I'm sorry if you get hurt while laying down the foundation of our lives. I'm only human. Change is not easy. We are all stubborn in our own ways. I will say one thing. I won't wanna hurt you anymore than i have. I hope you'll do the same. But if mistakes do repeat along the way, hold on. Luckily, it's something we're very good at.

Je t'aime.

Selamat hari raya loved ones.



p/s: r.i.p bo. may god bless your soul.

Here Comes The Hols!!!

2 more days and I'm off to KL! Yipee!!!


xoxo

Come Over Just Be Patient And Don't Worry...

A wise friend told me everything that becomes, happens for a reason and it's destined to be. He also said however nothing that's been pre-determined is set in stone, god willing events may alter if we seek for changes.

It's easy for us to wait upon positive results and then start believing in something. 'How much faith u have depends on the outcome'. Perhaps that's where some of us, the writer inc have gone awfully wrong. Seeking answers, we have asked too many wrong questions to start with. And when we don't get anything, when we fall and lose our way, we feel it's just not worth the time. We feel it's too difficult and we give up easily. We stop marching and abandon paths that unknown to us would have carried us through eventually.

It's easy to distract myself from life. I just live. Do the things I love. Hang out with feeza, guys and stuffs, couch potato-ing etc. But then when I haven't got anything to do, I start to think about things.

Inside my head, I start to worry. And perhaps a little too excessively (thus the growth of white hair). I worry about how life will be in the future. How my finances will be. What kinda husband I'll be when I marry. What kinda father I'll become when I have kids. What kinda son I'll be to my parents then. All these things that haven't become reality worries me.

In this current situation, having a companion helps a great deal. You get to talk alot about it and argue just as much...sometimes you wonder why you even cared to share the worries. But at the end of the day it feels a whole lot better telling another than having to carry all the load upon your shoulders.

I'll learn to relax and ease a little. Not slack further, but move forward, focus and get some perspectives. I know I can't do it all in one push and go, I've always been slow to get things done. Need time and most importantly continued motivation (constant kicks up the arse will do for me). Do my fair bit of effort and wait. He will answer when deemed time cos how much of the outcome depends on your faith. I have certainly learned to believe that.

TRY.


xoxo

In The Moonlight You'll Dance Till You Fall...

Hello.

I've gotten engaged to Feeza! It's a surreal feeling I tell you, and the whole new status of fiance/fiancee that I share with her now is a lil strange, considering how it felt like it was only yesterday when we first met at City Hall. But I'm getting used to the feeling each passing day. I'm getting used to that round thing wrapped around my finger. It and what it symbolizes grows on me. My prrreciousss!!! So it's all good. I'm happy. She's happy. We're blissed.

The engagement - Praise Allah, everything went well. Huge amount of credit has to go to me mum and sister Liza for all the planning and administrative works put together to ensure the event went smoothly. But there's no denying it, Liza you were the star of the show. And of cos the rest of the family for your support, I love you guys. Thanks a million!

You belle may irritate the hell out of me and I drive you to bonkers' end with my slack, mean-ness. And as mis-matched we appear to be at times, for all the positives I find in you, and your ridiculous faith in me, I believe I'm best better off with you than anyone else I can think of. Happy 21st birthday and 2nd anniversary bubby! Je t'aime beaucoup!

In the moonlight you'll dance till you fall and always be here in my heart.

To the 2 girls in France; Mum and Sya wherever you are there enjoying french toast...




xxx

I'm Just Looking

People have an annoyingly infectious way of assuming what someone is like merely based on what their shallow eyes see. The ears don't fare any better. Monkey hear monkey agree. We're living around 'sad' people.

I unfortunately have had the honour of often been misunderstood, I assume. Not saying much or keeping to myself doesn't mean I'm anti-social or quiet. Well if you're not saying anything then technically yes, you are quiet. But the thing is I'm not someone who's devoured of ideas and opinions. These things do carry credible weight if you only know how to squeeze the mix out of me brain. I'm different from most or the relative people I should say. I will never come up to someone and spill all my life guilt-ridden stories in the space of minutes to that poor chap who might not even be interested to know in the first place. But they always put up inquisitive looks. Hypocrites! Anyway I'm just not that kinda bla bla person. I feel that to know someone, you gotta afford time. If you haven't got it, buy it and give spaces in between.

So it is, some see me as this awkwardly quiet boring person. And the fake truth wheels on. I guess people just find it easier to leave assumptions of their first impressions of someone as their last. They just don't bother to find the time for finding the good in someone. But when it comes to picking out the negatives, they'll tell you to take a seat and listen.

Maybe I'm bothered by this, and so have become selfish in my thoughts. And I share only with a handful of people I'm extremely comfortable with...and dare I say none comes within the very four walls I live in. Communication and blending is non existent sometimes. Am I alien/ Was it the way I was brought up/ Or is it just the way I choose to live/ I'm a sad alien.

I wish people will stop looking at someone from the outside. Cos if they only spared some time and trust for the one, he'd give them the same and show them the person he really is and then they'd see a decent enough interesting person. Unfortunately I just take a little more time to adjust and socialise. And that has been my downfall. I should have known we're in a race and we're running for time cos we're running out of it. Told you time is the enemy. Hope there'll be positive changes in future.

I'm just looking, I'm not buying. I'm just looking, it keeps me smiling.



April 28th Fort Canning. Stereophonics was rocking brilliant. Perfect rock gods. I felt like a rocker. It may have been the best concert I've been to.







Today's a special day. I'm getting my noose tightened around my neck. Haha. Ok it is special. I'm getting engaged!!! Sya cannot believe it, nor can I! I should be having my beauty sleep right now - flying among the clouds with fat chubby little cupids...but here I am blogging. Maybe the occasion is slowly creeping up on me. And I'm trying to avoid it...was trying to. It has got to me! It has got to me!! I'm getting nervous by the hour. Metal winged butterflies in my stomach, it's excruciating. I'm getting murdered///

Still I'm excited. Somehow the idea of introducing your gf to others as a fiancee sounds strangely good and responsible. Like I'm all grown up somewhat. The past close 2 years, and they have all come to this. Train is choot choo-ing. My new journey is beginning. Wish me luck.


xxx