Hopes And Fears

Love Is Hard

2009-10-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

Love takes hostages.
Gives them pain.
Gives someone the power to hurt again and again..

The Great Escape

2009-10-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hello.

I've been reading past blog entries.. it's strange how i get all immersed in them. Like i'm seeing it all for the first time. Imagining im reading someone else's life story. Yet at the back of my head, i know it's mine.

I realised that i haven't been myself. That old youthful spring in me somehow seems to have disappeared within me. Im getting more stressed up, more frustrated easily these days. Maybe the pressures of life and all its expectations have gotten to me..

Me and my baby have been together for 3yrs and 5months..(+/-?) We don't have a date of when this relationship really became official. Haha.. All i can remember is that i knew her somewhere around her birthday. And both of us just decided that was gonna be the "official" date.

Around that time, i remember the first time she ever asked me out, the first time either one of us did. Yeah she asked first..i was a pussy. She wanted to watch this cartoon movie called "Over The Hedge". I had just finished my soccer game then. She said to me teasingly, she'd be willing to pay for the movie tics and i just had to come. Somehow the plan didn't materialised. I can't remember why..

It's been a long time since then. It's like i've been sleeping in dreams all this while. Floating softly to lullabied good dreams and shaking violently to stormy bad ones. I had spoken of the "honeymoon period" in past entries. I think it's already past. It came and went without me and maybe her ever realising it happened. In between those bad days of fights and arguments, these little "honeymoon periods" must have came and settled. But i took it all for granted. And so they stood hidden and soon faded.

I got lost and forgot how we were. I forgot how much i wanted her and how she made me happy. At times, I feel that i've let her down. Like she's seeing a whole new person in me that's a total opposite from the one she knew during those early courting days. I think, ever since the talk of marriage came, i haven't really been myself. And i think it's not right im taking it all negatively. Yeah the thought of finances are annoyingly worrying but that shouldn't be thought of as a burden. It becomes one when you make it out to be.

Self assuring one with words is such a fake thing to do but it does give a better feel. I just hope, things will all work out in the end. Please.

Things haven't been going well for me and her. And i don't know why. Whenever we fight and i think to the last thing that we share: a relationship, i dare not think of ending it. I just can't bear to let go and see her disappear from my life. And though we've said our 'i love yous' countless times, i'd want to say it again now with the thought in mind that i really mean it. I love you baby. Words being just words, if i ever get lost and go back to forgetting, please stand by me and guide me towards the light again.

I hope we'll find that peace and happiness again.. Let's.

"We have our silly fights and petty arguments. You may not be perfect, just as is me, just as is everyone else but the ultimate importance is that I've never felt happier with anyone and this is the best thing that's ever happen to me. Thank you for making me feel important. Friend and lover. I cherish you."

- Sunday March 11th, 2007.

Sweet Disposition (oh reckless abandon)

2009-10-16T02:47:00.000-07:00

>>>play the music first!

seconds. minutes. hours. days. months. a year.

Hello. It's been awhile a? I haven't had any drive to blog since the last entry. To be honest, i cudn't care less to whatever that wud've happen to it. Lately though, i've had this urge to write again...i dunno y

Recently, i watched '500 Days Of Summer' with feeza. Enjoyed it. Reminded me of when i started dating her. The walkabout around IKEA especially. The IKEA scenes in the movie instantly brought me back to the past. Sweet sugar rush feeling all over again. And probably, a visit to the past was what i needed.

Too many things have happened. Too many events have gone and past. Too many to be mentioned here, right now. Try, i'll re-piece the memories together, re-collect those significant moments and pour it out in bits and time...

*Rejuvenated* More late nights to come.(and it doesn't have to be due to facebook anymore!) It feels good to be back!

a moment, a love
a dream aloud
a kiss, a cry
our rights, our wrongs
a moment, a love
a dream aloud
a moment, a love
a dream aloud

so stay there
cause i’ll be comin over
and while our bloods still young
it’s so young
it runs
and we won’t stop til it’s over
won’t stop to surrender

Love Is Noise

2008-10-03T01:15:00.000-07:00

Hello.

So where were we...?

2 years have gone and it seems we haven't really understand each other completely. Arguments that we cook out of nothing irritates me alot. Like when we're laughing and smiling one minute and then suddenly on the next we're at loggerheads. I'm not blaming you. I am naive and sometimes ignorant of the things i say or do. Either its done on purpose or not, only i know but it's something i'm honestly unsure of myself and i gotta seek deep to begin explaining. There is something very wrong with me and perhaps it's a weakness you pick on unknowingly. And perhaps that's why our quarrels are personal mostly. I know it's hard when we're quarelling. You want to solve things quickly without dragging our feets while I would rather call time to calm our fires down. I don't know which is better. You do have a point about saying that i'm just sweeping matters under the rug without actually cleaning them up. So on that basis, i have to say i'm wrong. Be more patient and calm with me. Cos when you're tone is calm, i'm at peace with you. I've told you before, i hate being pushed and rushed by anyone. My system will only shut down till things lighten up. And anyway silence is easy. I admit i'm not the easiest person to communicate with prior to what you could have thought in the past. It's a fact. But i hope i'm difficult only during bad times. I don't know why words just disappear and i can't think of what to say when we're in the boil. When you're firing away your points, i'm a blank and feel like an open target. I truly wish we could have a decent fight sometime where it's fair game. Again, i'm not blaming you. It's only natural when people argue they talk and reason, something which i find hard to do. Lest you've forgotten, i'll just remind you that it's not me being rude and showing disrespect when i don't respond to you. I'm just hiding in my shell, away from war. I don't want to be battling from beginning to end. I'd love it if we could hug and make up in the middle of things.

I'm a rare breed. Something you haven't encountered in your entire life and it's a challenge. You are trying to figure and understand, i can see. I'm sorry if you get hurt while laying down the foundation of our lives. I'm only human. Change is not easy. We are all stubborn in our own ways. I will say one thing. I won't wanna hurt you anymore than i have. I hope you'll do the same. But if mistakes do repeat along the way, hold on. Luckily, it's something we're very good at.

Je t'aime.

Selamat hari raya loved ones.

p/s: r.i.p bo. may god bless your soul.

Here Comes The Hols!!!

2008-07-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

2 more days and I'm off to KL! Yipee!!!

xoxo

Come Over Just Be Patient And Don't Worry...

2008-07-17T04:55:00.000-07:00

A wise friend told me everything that becomes, happens for a reason and it's destined to be. He also said however nothing that's been pre-determined is set in stone, god willing events may alter if we seek for changes.

It's easy for us to wait upon positive results and then start believing in something. 'How much faith u have depends on the outcome'. Perhaps that's where some of us, the writer inc have gone awfully wrong. Seeking answers, we have asked too many wrong questions to start with. And when we don't get anything, when we fall and lose our way, we feel it's just not worth the time. We feel it's too difficult and we give up easily. We stop marching and abandon paths that unknown to us would have carried us through eventually.

It's easy to distract myself from life. I just live. Do the things I love. Hang out with feeza, guys and stuffs, couch potato-ing etc. But then when I haven't got anything to do, I start to think about things.

Inside my head, I start to worry. And perhaps a little too excessively (thus the growth of white hair). I worry about how life will be in the future. How my finances will be. What kinda husband I'll be when I marry. What kinda father I'll become when I have kids. What kinda son I'll be to my parents then. All these things that haven't become reality worries me.

In this current situation, having a companion helps a great deal. You get to talk alot about it and argue just as much...sometimes you wonder why you even cared to share the worries. But at the end of the day it feels a whole lot better telling another than having to carry all the load upon your shoulders.

I'll learn to relax and ease a little. Not slack further, but move forward, focus and get some perspectives. I know I can't do it all in one push and go, I've always been slow to get things done. Need time and most importantly continued motivation (constant kicks up the arse will do for me). Do my fair bit of effort and wait. He will answer when deemed time cos how much of the outcome depends on your faith. I have certainly learned to believe that.

TRY.

xoxo

In The Moonlight You'll Dance Till You Fall...

2008-05-26T23:25:00.000-07:00

Hello.

I've gotten engaged to Feeza! It's a surreal feeling I tell you, and the whole new status of fiance/fiancee that I share with her now is a lil strange, considering how it felt like it was only yesterday when we first met at City Hall. But I'm getting used to the feeling each passing day. I'm getting used to that round thing wrapped around my finger. It and what it symbolizes grows on me. My prrreciousss!!! So it's all good. I'm happy. She's happy. We're blissed.

The engagement - Praise Allah, everything went well. Huge amount of credit has to go to me mum and sister Liza for all the planning and administrative works put together to ensure the event went smoothly. But there's no denying it, Liza you were the star of the show. And of cos the rest of the family for your support, I love you guys. Thanks a million!

You belle may irritate the hell out of me and I drive you to bonkers' end with my slack, mean-ness. And as mis-matched we appear to be at times, for all the positives I find in you, and your ridiculous faith in me, I believe I'm best better off with you than anyone else I can think of. Happy 21st birthday and 2nd anniversary bubby! Je t'aime beaucoup!

In the moonlight you'll dance till you fall and always be here in my heart.

To the 2 girls in France; Mum and Sya wherever you are there enjoying french toast...

xxx

I'm Just Looking

2008-05-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

People have an annoyingly infectious way of assuming what someone is like merely based on what their shallow eyes see. The ears don't fare any better. Monkey hear monkey agree. We're living around 'sad' people.

I unfortunately have had the honour of often been misunderstood, I assume. Not saying much or keeping to myself doesn't mean I'm anti-social or quiet. Well if you're not saying anything then technically yes, you are quiet. But the thing is I'm not someone who's devoured of ideas and opinions. These things do carry credible weight if you only know how to squeeze the mix out of me brain. I'm different from most or the relative people I should say. I will never come up to someone and spill all my life guilt-ridden stories in the space of minutes to that poor chap who might not even be interested to know in the first place. But they always put up inquisitive looks. Hypocrites! Anyway I'm just not that kinda bla bla person. I feel that to know someone, you gotta afford time. If you haven't got it, buy it and give spaces in between.

So it is, some see me as this awkwardly quiet boring person. And the fake truth wheels on. I guess people just find it easier to leave assumptions of their first impressions of someone as their last. They just don't bother to find the time for finding the good in someone. But when it comes to picking out the negatives, they'll tell you to take a seat and listen.

Maybe I'm bothered by this, and so have become selfish in my thoughts. And I share only with a handful of people I'm extremely comfortable with...and dare I say none comes within the very four walls I live in. Communication and blending is non existent sometimes. Am I alien/ Was it the way I was brought up/ Or is it just the way I choose to live/ I'm a sad alien.

I wish people will stop looking at someone from the outside. Cos if they only spared some time and trust for the one, he'd give them the same and show them the person he really is and then they'd see a decent enough interesting person. Unfortunately I just take a little more time to adjust and socialise. And that has been my downfall. I should have known we're in a race and we're running for time cos we're running out of it. Told you time is the enemy. Hope there'll be positive changes in future.

I'm just looking, I'm not buying. I'm just looking, it keeps me smiling.

April 28th Fort Canning. Stereophonics was rocking brilliant. Perfect rock gods. I felt like a rocker. It may have been the best concert I've been to.

Today's a special day. I'm getting my noose tightened around my neck. Haha. Ok it is special. I'm getting engaged!!! Sya cannot believe it, nor can I! I should be having my beauty sleep right now - flying among the clouds with fat chubby little cupids...but here I am blogging. Maybe the occasion is slowly creeping up on me. And I'm trying to avoid it...was trying to. It has got to me! It has got to me!! I'm getting nervous by the hour. Metal winged butterflies in my stomach, it's excruciating. I'm getting murdered///

Still I'm excited. Somehow the idea of introducing your gf to others as a fiancee sounds strangely good and responsible. Like I'm all grown up somewhat. The past close 2 years, and they have all come to this. Train is choot choo-ing. My new journey is beginning. Wish me luck.

xxx

Swings Don't Swing, The Parks Been Dead For Years

2008-04-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

Adding numbers on board have a way of interposing into things and the way we live. It's a sneaky little business but successful nonetheless. How it patiently manipulates change into our trusted old systems, making us obliged willingly to allow this to happen. We get on as if things have always been the same since day 1, the 'survivors' we are. The evolution of human society. Perhaps we're just moving too fast. But who and why are we moving quickly for?? If we just took a minute longer and thought harder, we'll remember how we were.

I yearn for past years. Old to the recent ones. I wish they never had to go. I wish friends never have to drift apart. But it just happens doesn't it? And love drains and gains. It's cruel and merciless and yet the most beautiful at it's positive best. God should have made first dates replay-able. Full of magic. And no matter how many later dates you go on together, you find it's hard matching up to the first in terms of sweet innocence...haha. Nothing beats that for me.

And so it is, here we are living (and working and slaving). As much as we like to disagree, perhaps modern life is rubbish. Wheels of time seem to spin much faster. So much that we have to constantly move to adapt. And inevitably we forget the way we lived.

Opinions may differ but then again I'm only being a sentimentalist.

P/S: April 28th: Stereophonics are coming!!!

xxx

Eye To The Telescope

2008-03-31T16:20:00.000-07:00

Big opportunities are aplenty, and it's waiting there somewhere in out paths. Question is will we get there? But the odds are better than they seem. We have a chance of 1 in five... Put that figure to a hundred and I'll gladly take that 20.

Have heart and believe.

Your Ashes Come Home To Me

2008-03-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

Your ashes come home to me no matter what...

I am a pain in you're ass
And I'm wondering how long it's gonna last
Be my mirror, be my friend,
Be the workhouse of the energy
I twist your arm to spin

Everyday, like a power station
You know it isn't good
I know you're burning too much wood
Oh, and you burn out
The twisted irony is
Your ashes come home to me
Come home to me

So we take a walk
To make some sense
And I'm wondering if you fancy my advance
I have pushed you
Way too far
And you say fuck you little princess
Who the hell do you think you are?

You know well the circus gonna have you on a fucking mantelpiece
The mantelpiece
The mantelpiece

Saw KT Tunstall live yesterday! Live firecracker she is. Truly amazing vocals and guitarsmanship. Had me up on my feet dancing like everyone else...though belle says i moved a little funny.

Genius at work:

I'll Walk Me Outside And Buy A Rainbow Smile

2008-03-14T04:05:00.000-07:00

Truth be said, old habits die hard. I've had a relapse.

It started from a trip to a friend's place. As I walked into his room, I found stuffs I used to sink my time in. There they were placed at a corner..it was obvious and I couldn't have missed them. Their entice was strong and I felt tempted. The defining moment perhaps when I made physical contact. I was in admiration. After that day, I made subsequent visits down to my friend's, but by chance all of the time...honest! Each time I was there and seeing those stuffs, the temptation grew bigger. Somehow I sensed it was just a matter of time before I would cave and give in to the dark side...

One fine day by happenstance, little sweetheart gave me something I didn't expect. It was it! A gift in no way I could have resisted...I took it. Holding onto it knowing it was mine for the first time since school felt great. Then it happened. The heart demanded for more and craving got worst...

Now I'm all over them. Getting them off shelves and online from dealers who perhaps have been in this industry even before I said my first ABC. How it has power over big overgrown men is amazing. Their fantasies never age. I need to tame mine. But for now I'm a slave...HELP!!!

I'm on a high 'in a galaxy far, far away...' May the force be with me. Damn these star wars figures! It's a guilty pleasure obsession.

The empire strikes back. All thanks to a friend and a lover.

I Wanna Swim In The Ocean

2008-03-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

Time work like those soldier ants. Constantly working and forever marching on whatever the odds are. Nothing else matters.

And here we all are, trying to play catch and match up. Trying to survive and make ends meet, this life has become a race. One's loss becomes another's gain. We climb hoping to reach the top of the pile and when we peak, we do everything we can to stay there. Knocking off other summit admirers off their ascend cos the view at the top is too precious to be shared...

Maybe time is the ultimate enemy. An enemy gone and going unnoticed. It has crippled our liberty and kept us chained as it's servants. It has driven us to insecurity and fear for what lies ahead should we fail to progress. Thus our obsessions to succeed have never been short of determination and ideas. Only a handful lucky ones (bastards) get to reap the beautiful life instantly, easily, but for the majority it's almost a never ending struggle for success. Some will make the turn over eventually but the rest will live to bite the dust only.

Maybe we'll get a good run at life. Maybe not. Time is indeed running out and no one knows of what will become of our existence. But then allowing insecurities to creep in will make us live life as if our death notes have already been served. We can only plan so much. The rest have been written in the stars. So perhaps, we should just get on and take things in our strides. Believing whatever that comes will be overcome. Will is stronger than anything.

Right now, I just want to swim in the ocean. Nothing else matters.

Hide And Seek

2008-01-08T19:11:00.000-08:00

His heart would pound. He was in trouble and he knew what to expect next. In his head, he prayed for someone to rescue him from the inevitable. And like most of the other times, none came. He could not remember the first time he got hit, but it didn't really matter. Standing face to face with the adult, he dared not look him in the eye. He never could. He knew what to expect next, and he was scared. Like a captive having a gun pointed to his head, he felt anxious waiting for his fate. He thought it was better the usual proceedings got on quickly and have his misery ended sooner...

He could not remember how terrible he felt then but broken memories of the past gave some light of imagination. More or less. And he never understood why it happened to him.

Things got better with age. Only because the 2 of them had better things to do than to mind each other. The young man felt it was better he stood clear and avoided the elder. They had nothing to talk about or share with anyway he thought. And it seemed to work. Problems were appearing lesser than usual. He felt better and more at ease on his own.

As they lived together day by day, they grew further apart. Their frail bond weakened. He didn't know if the elder noticed but he saw it. He had imagined a better picture of them, where they were happier, closer. He always wished but he knew it was almost impossible. Leaving at that he didn't really mind.

Lately, things somehow seemed to get better between them. They managed discussions and during better times, personal conversations. On a few brief occasions, they managed to smile and laugh to each other. They would have found it difficult to piece two words in the past. He thought things must have turned a corner...

A few nights ago, he saw the past. There was trouble between the man and the elder. In truth, it was never their fight. The man tried to explain to the elder, and to calm down. He spoke in a normal but firm tone throughout. But there was the rush of blood to the elder's head and his short temper was undeniable. The man saw the elder's eyes stare upon him full of rage. He knew the peace treaty they had silently agreed had broken then. Somehow strangely, the man felt defiant. He felt strong and unafraid. As the elder surged forward towards him, he stood exactly where he was before unmoved. When they stood face to face, he looked into the elder's eyes. And he didn't feel compelled to look away. Not one bit. The man's display of defiance angered the elder further. He managed a slight push on the man's face although the man was sure the elder would have prefered to punch him. Then the distance between them grew. The man was not about to allow the elder lay a hand on him again. And all the while, neither looked away from each other. The elder never lost steam and got angrier by the seconds. A barrage of abuses rained on the man. What he heard was nothing new to him. Except this time he could not remember a time where he was at the receiving end of it all. This was the first. And it seemed the chance of redemption was gone.

The End.

It's hard to think about who you can trust now. Problems come from the very people you hope and believe you can rely on. It's all beginning to confuse too much and it's hard telling right from wrong, friend or foe. Inconsistencies in facts are causing emotions to fluctuate. I'm sure I'll soon go into depression if this continues. I just wish happiness will stop playing hide and seek games cos right now it's making everything a hell of a mess.

If The Bomb Goes Off Again, In My Brain Or On The Train...

2007-12-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

With you around, everything seems to wake up from their slumber and the wheel works again. I feel better. Relieved I won't stay an outcast, I regain my identity again among others.

Don't ask why cos I can't explain myself. But this has to mean something. Something important and dear I never realised till recently. Changing lanes, life evolves and it has. No longer can I go back cos everything has changed and passed. Nothing's there for me. I have moved on to something else. And it's bigger and real.

Perhaps it hasn't really sunk in for us. I'm not really sure if we've got any idea what's in store even though we know when it'll hit us. It's upon us.

In truth I don't know what to feel. I'm sorry if I'm sending out all the wrong signals cos I'm sure this is right and I'm content. I have realised your importance. I just wish I can be strong and say it straight without fear. But we fear all the time don't we? We seek comfort in one another and for me you're the comfort. So that says something.

If the bomb goes off again, in my brain or on the train, and I hope that I'm with you...cos I wouldn't know what to do.

Welcome home sweetheart.

Did We Lose Ourselves Again?

2007-12-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

I have never felt so helpless and lonely since the last 'separation'. I know you'll be gone for only a while and this time you'll come back to me without any uncertainties hanging. But not knowing what you're up to and how you are kills me. Strangely enough, days have been passing by too slowly. It is weird not hearing your voice for a day. What more for 2?

I pray for you're safety and return. And may it be soon cos I miss you terribly. I miss your smile.

It means nothing if I haven't got you...

Hoppipolla

2007-11-26T23:35:00.000-08:00

25.

That's a number I never thought I'd come across any time soon. Well reverse back 5 years and that sounds a fair statement. But not yesterday. Not today. Not tomorrow. These days, we travel in light years. Everything passes by in a flash. Turn back 25 days from today and I had turned 25. Somehow that number sounds heavy. And it's scary too.

A quarter of a century. It's like exiting and entering another phase of life. The theme is still unclear and no one has told me what it is.

Suddenly everything is thrown upon me (all over again). You'll do this, do that. Don't do this, don't do that. Process remain the same. Only the things handled become more secondary and substantial. It gets more complicated trying to reason and understand. And you get torn between facts. Matters of the head and heart. And for all you know, you could be fighting in the wrong war, against the wrong enemy.

Being embroiled in arguments and confusion is not gonna solve anything. Somethings will never make sense and it's better to just leave them as it is. Appreciate imperfection. Appreciate love. Appreciate it's sound.

The circle only has one side. Life is already hard. Why make it harder?

We're Not Giving Up The Coastline So Easily

2007-10-23T01:30:00.000-07:00

I could run. I could run as fast as the wind and not look back but I don't want to. I'm sure with time we can get over anything that needs to be gotten over. But forgetting is something which just doesn't go easily with me.

Once I'm used to something, it quickly becomes embodied and I grow attached to it. Letting go will have to take a mighty effort from anything that is forced or not.

Being here brings altogether a whole new experience for me. This is real. This is prime time live raw living. I have come to realise that watching too much romantic comedy movies can become a negative influence on the way you think about love. How it is mend or broken. How it is travelled and lived. It's distorted. Me being cheesy, I get so easily drawn in by they're naive potrayal and cliche' endings. It does however give you an idea of how good a feeling it gives you once you've tasted it. The only thing it shies away from is the pain of getting there. What schemers! Nonetheless, I am still for romantic comedies. I'm too much a sucker for these things.

Love bruises and batters. Love caresses and heals. In between 2 states. It's a crazy world to be living in. And it's true what they say. Only the strongest will survive. I've been bruised and battered. I've been caressed and healed.

And I will stand my ground as long as I can. So hurricane, give it your best shot. What you're gonna do to us this time???

Is It Something We Gotta Get Used To?

2007-09-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

We are different from one another. Sometimes I wished we were the same and I was more like you so that there'd be less of a problem interacting during the brain-stormings. But then again if we were, I can't be sure if we'd ever be where we are now.

Im sorry for all the troubles I've caused within our ranks. Im no saint. Im nothing short of flaws as you used to think. I believe you've realised your mistake but you never seem to learn from it. You continue to give yourself to me and I doubt I can ever repay your faith, ever reaching the heights you've set in your affection. You deserve more candies. I can only give what I have. I don't know if Im giving the best I can but I hope you'll stay devoted and hold on to your side of the wheel, always.

You move with pace. Sometimes I hope you'll take a slower road and travel with me during rough weather. Pull/Push me over/on when you think Im hogging. I'll try to signal my intentions early in future and you gotta be patient. Compromising is not that difficult.

In less than a month, history will be made. Lighting has never struck twice for neither of us and here we are riding the waves. But they have been getting bigger lately. Hold on with me. Be my breakwater. I promise you'll see the rainbow after the hurricane.

No Alarms And No Surprises... Please

2007-08-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

Nothing is impossible.

It's a simple formula. You work your ass off, you get your rewards. No 2 ways about that. Except if you are good at ego and ball handling or you just lead a charmed life. I'm no good with either. Of cos selling your ass would be the simplest option of all. Only that you wouldn't necessarily like what you've done in the end.

I was ignorant of things around me but my naive ignorance of life has been shaken. My eyes are opened if slightly and slowly to things that are happening and those waiting to shape. And yet there is still a part of me that's being stubborn, trying to put up a resistance. I know I will eventually lose. Time will catch up and I will have to bow to it's order and system. As I've mentioned time and time again, I'm scared of the unknown.

I've only wanted to be safe, putting my feet on solid ground with each single step. And by trying to be safe, I became dangerously lost in a reel world where dreams were wrapped in dreams. Taking a step back felt a more sensible thing to do than forward into the jungle. Simplicity was the order. Being problematic a capital offence. I wouldn't say being simple isn't any good, it has done me well. But being cautious robs you of goals and ambitions. And that has been a disadvantage. There will come a time where I will have to take the plunge. Everything will come at high speed, and I have to be ready at least in certain measures.

Maybe, I will never change at home. I'll always be slacking and lazing around and couch potato-ing. I'm really sorry to mum and dad I'm not any efficient but 1 thing they should know is that I'll always be a good son. In terms of relationships, work and responsibilities with Him, I feel I could work on. If time's enough, I will surely. God permits.

Nothing stood in my way. Nobody was/is stopping me. So I'm wondering the fuck why I never really lived.

Tinkerbella, as was your namesake the first time we crossed paths, my confidant. Thank you for believing and loving me. May your comfort guide and carry me through all. The good times and the bad times that we'll have.. (Ring a bell?)

2 + 2 = 5

I was told nothing is impossible. I knew that. But this time, I hope I think I know I believe.

These Walls That We Climb Are Hard To Recognise

2007-07-12T04:20:00.000-07:00

The harder we fell, the thicker the skin got. And we stayed. We've sunk far too deep into ourselves that to lose belief would be suicidal. We raised hopes and revealed our fears, only within our own walls, and no other's.

She might never understand nor love you and give a reason why. That is something difficult to figure out. But you've given up questioning. There isn't time for asking why anymore, anyway. And you gotta move on. Life's always gotta. However, keep her within reach. Im sure one day you'll be discovered and your efforts realised.

These battles against visible or faceless enemies have begun and will soon. We'll face the truth, indefinitely in the near future. We might fall, we might get help and in the end we might just win the war. But for now, it's us on the big chair...

Whatever happens, I get the feeling that we are gonna need each other. And i'll always look out for you. I promise.

The Last Goodbye

2007-06-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

Mak 'Yan' passed away peacefully last wednesday. May she be blessed.

I Remember You, I Remember Youth

2007-06-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

I remember her to be the woman with the funniest, loudest laughter I've ever heard. I remember her as the woman who's house I'd always visit first on hari raya occasions. I remember her during her better days.

Last night, I saw her face. I almost couldn't believe that was her. Surreal. I didn't cry but it broke me. Lying on her bed, oxygen-supplied through tubes and inhalent, she paled in comparison to the person she was. The bubbly aunt I knew now in total helplessness, almost resigned to her fate. Cancer being her potential conqueror.

I pray for her. To live healthy if she's going to survive. To end suffering and pass on if she's not.

It was a timely reminder of how short life is. One moment you're dreaming of what dreams may come. The next, you're lying on your death bed. And your life flashes by.

Of cos, we might never learn from life's experiences and lessons. We never change. But I might just learn to appreciate the people around me more. Stop bickering and love, love, love.

You Should Stay The Night

2007-06-20T02:11:00.000-07:00

We should go to sleep now

You should stay the night

I'll be up to watch the world around us live and die

Lying on the grass now

Dancing for the stars

Maybe one will look on down and tell us who we are

We might fall

I could join the circus

And you could sell your hair

I could learn to walk the line or learn to train the bears

Tell me are you crazy

And did you like the cold

Tell me are you comfortable if comfortable at all

We might fall

Now that we are older

I remember you

Reaching out to show me all the things that I must do

Now that we are older

I remember youth

Now that we are close to death and close to finding truth

We might fall

I wonder what will happen to us if we did...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIL9dblda_A

A Year Ago We Were Only Strangers

2007-05-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

Happy 20th birthday and 1st anniversary
(- 2 days before today)

Here's to your longetivity and ours. Cheers.

In The Confusion And The Aftermath, You Are My Signal Fire

2007-05-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

Watching them having a laugh at each other, cracking jokes and above all having a blast made me envious of their seemingly genuine happiness and welcome company of each other's presence. It was something I hadn't witness for quite awhile. At times I felt lost... It helped that I actually had known most of them prior to the gathering. Im glad I did cos it could have been very very awkward. Still, I quietly thought to myself and wished I'd known these people well and long enough to butt in. People who were family to feeza.

As time passed, I settled and found my feet on the unfamiliar soil. They warmed up to me pretty quickly and soon I became their curiosity. I felt at ease. I fitted.

And they warmed up to the brownies quickly too. They loved it. Every single of them who tasted it. They were like little kids enjoying ice cream. Cute. Well done sis, you're a genius.

Seeing the women of the group, I thought of mum and I began to miss her more. And I began to wonder if she'd fit in with the girls. Somehow I felt confident she would and even be very happy. Still, we can never be sure. If all works well, then time will tell.

Happy belated birthday Liza and little princess Nadya, mum and daughter. Very sorry this came late. It's so adorable that Nadya is celebrating her 1st! ~ I can't believe you're already 30! Cheers, love you both. The belated gifts will come...

In the confusion and the aftermath, there you are standing right in front of me. You are my signal fire ~ feeza. Thank you for loving me.

Remember When We Were Angels

2007-04-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

When I grow old, if I live long enough to reach that stage, I'd love to read this and reflect back again. Back to the past, back to the times when I was growing up, back to happy times and back to this very moment that Im writing. (P/S: smile and forget your worries old man.)

Why do we hurt the very people that we care a lot about? Love and existence taken for granted. And we simply can't get enough satisfaction off each other's strengths. Not able to look beyond our weaknesses and just say this is good enough. Why do we always want and expect and think we deserve more? Are all these discussions and arguments relevant? In the end, everything will be immaterial, we're all going to pass.

Perhaps Im being naive and ignorant of reality and the truth. But the truth is, Im just afraid. Scared that I won't be able to live life to the fullest and regret it. All of us wants perfection. Perfection comes in full circle. And we decide how big the circle is.

Tomorrow, mum leaves for France yet again. She's going for her getaway. If her happiness lies there, then I'll be happy for her. As always I want her to be. As selfish as it seems, she deserves it nonetheless. As so does all of us. But feels like it is so far away and yet it's just a stone throw away.

Remember when we were angels? - Not a care in the world...

Closer

2007-03-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I always want to start off an entry by writing about how time passes on so quickly... Ya da ya da ya da... But yeah I guess its customary that we all reflect on time itself as the benchmark of what we've done and how much and far we've 'travelled' in life and how much closer we are to death. I'd like to think that I've got a long long queue ahead of me before I reach the end. I wish, cos there's still so much out there for me, for us. I only hope that by the time Mr Grim Reaper comes a calling, I'd had have enough of everything and gladly surrender my heart and soul to him. Then I'll have a nice cup of coffee and brownies with God and tell him all the nice things I had back on mortal world. Not that he wouldn't know by then.

We're all leading our own lives now, facing individual challenges day to day. Agendas of our own. I must say, I truly miss the old good times when we were young. Friends were the rage back then. Often, I only thought of having their company. Sure, there's still those times when we'll get together for a reunion of sorts. But they pail in comparison to the past. Happenings seem to take place only yesterday and I remember, only that they are memories now.

As sad as it sounds, its only inevitable we move on and meet new people. Friends and enemies and lovers they became and will become.

I've been my own island through the late teen years. I'd never fancied sharing time with anyone more than I can spent on my own. Read it. Im a selfish person and Im not gonna go into denial mode anymore for the fake good reputation. Out damned spot! Now I've perhaps changed just as things around have evolved. And this is all new to me. Just as is being in a relationship. Perhaps coinciding. Perhaps timely enough cos honestly I don't know if I'd have ever gotten out of my own shell, out of unproclaimed loneliness and discover the real crazy world.

Interlude.

The way you are, direct confident swagger and all is unlike any I've encountered. Your arrogance is in abundance but luckily not too much for my liking. A trait that strangely attracts me. I've never been exposed out of my weaknesses by anyone this much. Not even mum or dad or anyone from the family could penetrate this once thought formidable armour of mine. Either one or both of you care too much about me to do this!

We have our silly fights and petty arguments. You may not be perfect, just as is me, just as is everyone else but the ultimate importance is that I've never felt happier with anyone and this is the best thing that's ever happen to me. Thank you for making me feel important. Friend and lover. I cherish you.

Songbird

2007-02-03T14:00:00.000-08:00

Time's a flash. Into the 5th year in the job. I ask for nothing much. Just good luck and prosperity in it. Ironically I say, may the force be with me.

The days of day to day blogging seem to have gone. And I am pretty much more occupied since I re-met and had feeza belle a.k.a Super Duper Peanut Butter Sandwich Making Woman. I am glad that I am seeing time better spent as compared to the previously all conquering championship manager game eating up my precious hours. Those days where I felt guilty for doing nothing worthy are uncommon now.

It wasn't all smooth sailing with her. The first few weeks, month(s) since getting acquainted were not what I'd call the honeymoon period. I guess it's only natural. Personality clash, conflict of ideas and interests were inevitable. It's funny how people would think or suggest that you'd go through the honeymoon stages first before the relationship starts to eat you up. I don't see it. Seemed like I got bitten first. As said, the early days weren't pretty. But then slowly you start to see changes and process. Characters blend, egos lose authority, tolerance rule and rules bend. And although there's still the occasional slip ups, you tend to relax a bit now, knowing that you'll work it out and overcome the barriers eventually. The past couple of months have been good. Things have settle in well and we're doing fine. I would say this is the closest and most comfortable I've ever felt with anyone. Feeling is stronger than ever. The seemingly telephatic understanding, the chemistry between us is just amazing.

We're not moving too fast nor are we slowing down. Well said. Im so happy cos you're so happy.

Big sister has been busy at home lately. It appears that she has been spending good time herself. Blogging and experimenting in the kitchen etc. with the latter meaning only one thing, delicacies!! Her latest masterpiece, brownies! It's devilishly chocolaty! A must taste for chocolate suckers.

Warning. Indulge at your own risk.

Wicked!

Cheers.

This Could Be The Very Minute...

2007-01-01T03:30:00.000-08:00

Looking back at the past year, things haven't been that bad afterall. Everything... well most have perhaps been a little exagerated. I can't help it. Im sensitive and full of emotions when it comes to this kinda stuffs.

Family is good and whole. Friends as ever present as ever. I still have a good (??) job... at least it pays decent enough. Plus there are several new plus(es):

1. I became an uncle for a 2nd time! (How cool is that?!)
My 1st niece, Nurul Nadya. Congrats to sis for she's a real cutie!

2. I got a driver's licence!

3. I got myself a girlfriend! (Awwesome!)

These 3 things have made life that much sweeter and more meaningful. Excellento and merci beucoup God.

Goodbye 2006, hello 2007. I have to wake up in 3 hours for work, thank you. The new year has begun...

People who keep chasing for something better will never find happiness...

Pure adoration... Cupcake.

I love princess Feeza alot!

(Get yourself ready! hahaha)

Hopes, Expectations, Black Holes And Revelations...

2006-12-07T13:50:00.000-08:00

It's been a solid month of discovery in the relationship. And it's made me more aware of the person I am. Things in me that have been hiding in exile. The good, bad, beautiful and ugly. And slowly but surely, Im discovering the good, bad, beautiful and ugly of my belle. (her name's Feeza btw. ssSHhh!!) I'd only like to think that we compliment each other in our angelic and devilish minds.

The other day I was at the beach with belle for dinner. She'd cooked for me for the first time incidently. For me and for her resume. I don't think cooking maggy noodles or rice ketchups counts, so... Dish of the day? Mutton curry. To be honest, I hadn't thought much of how she'd fare. One reason was due to the fact that I (we were) was hungry and stomach was killing me. The other being that she must have felt confident enough to cook the dish and so I'd trusted her (with my stomach).

It tasted good and I liked it! Meat was tender enough to my liking and the gravy was surprisingly spicy good. I had thought she would have gone safe with non spicy curry cos adding and mixing spices can get tricky, at least I'd like to think so. In all a commendable effort. Job well done.

Then later as we were walking by the beach, we saw the moon. Nothing strange about it. But something else was enchanting. There was this mammoth loop like thing perfectly circled around the moon, just like one of the planets which has a loop. (saturn? pluto? jupiter? jupiter is no longer considered a planet is it???). Anyway it appeared more like a space-ish presence than a solid object. It's like the moon was being eclipsed by something invincible and huge. Looking up to the skies in awe, (read gaping mouths) we probably looked like idiots in the eyes of others (not that we care anyway) who'd until then not thought much of sticking their necks out and up, probably thinking all that was being offered was the common sight of the moon, stars and empty space. What a miss! There and then, Im pretty sure nobody else had witnessed that strange image apart from us. I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it and Im almost certain it was definitely not of this world. But whatever it was, Im just glad we had a chance to see something rare and spectacular. You had to see it to understand what I mean. The truth is out there...(?) God Almighty.

With our butts on smooth sand (thankfully!) as I wrapped her in my arms, we sat by the sea. And so there it was. The soft rumblings of the waves and scented sea breeaze, cool whispers of the wind, and guest starring the halo around the moon assisted by trusted props; stars and the moon itself, we had seen a very spectacular musical play. Never mind the candle lights. Never mind the love songs. I knew I'd experienced the most romantic moment I've ever had then. blush blush blush...

The 2 of us. It was lovely.

And You Asked Me What I Want This Year...

2006-11-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

1st Nov 06 = 24

24 seems like an old digit. I can't seem to believe that Im already there. It seemed like only yesterday when I was that geeky boy (still am la...) who'd skip extra remedial classes just to get his comics at Bras Basah Centre. That hobby coinciding with my interest in collecting toy figures. Those competetive days among friends of seeing who had the most valuable and rarest Marvel, Spawn, Star Wars (esp) figurines were crazy. Nonetheless it was fun while it lasted. And there was a certain card game called Magic (wtf!) that I played and actually enjoyed. Buying decks of the cards, I could have had a cupboard full of Topman clothings now had I saved the money. For a moment my world was full of dungeons and dragons, knights and ogres, spells and enchantments. From games of one leg, (you know the one where the catcher has to skip on one leg and attempt to catch someone) to catching spiders to hours spent at playgrounds playing marbles of which sometimes involved money coins as the prize just for the kicks, to being involved in more mature sports games of sepak takraw, tennis, athletics, softball (I enjoyed it a lot) and soccer in school programs. Soccer was of cos my first love. I devoted all my attention to it. Not that I was a total fag in school, there were the 1 or 2 odd girls that I fancied but it was just about where my priorities were then. I was never a sturdious person. I only paid attention and studied in subjects I found interesting and was actually good in, not that there were many! Playing. It's definitely one thing I miss a lot now.

When the things I loved to do slowly disappeared, some forced while others just due to dying interest, music came and saved me. Im sure the interest has always been there, only I never really realised it. Gradually, I developed a thing for guitars, dreaming about playing in a band and performing for people. The interest and aspirations have never stopped since.

To see time and the pace at which it's travelling, is frightening. Let it be that you've seen and encountered a lot of things or not a single happening of significance the past year, time remains impartial and consistent. It has to be the only thing in life that no one has control over. In fact it works the other way round where we are controlled by and live for.

Lately Mum and dad seem to be at peace with each other again although Im not really sure if the storm has passed. I hope it stays that way cos when they talk in the usual right manner, I feel calmed and the house feels like a home again.

The past weeks and days, I never really set aside any time to sit down, think and wish myself anything. So belatedly late, Selamat Hari Raya and Happy Birthday.

Here's to a chance that maybe we'll find better days...

Cheers.

I've Been Dreaming

2006-10-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

I can't recall a time where things around the house have been this empty and quiet.

Sis called and we spoke for a while. I got to know some disturbing news, developments that I never knew existed right until now. I knew mum and dad were not quite on good terms but I never really thought much about it. I mean a family crisis is a family crisis, and no matter what somehow we'd always overcome it and things would go back to the way they were. For one who's seen a lot of wars and peace in the family, I won't deny that I have and am taking things for granted, that nothing worse that petty fights could ever break us up. I hate to think about it but the possibility is real and I can't imagine it happening. I can't accept any part of it.

I've never seen mum like this and Im worried for her. The bigger worry is, I don't know how to help her or dad too for that matter... Somehow providing a listening ear just doesn't seem to be enough.

God, let there be love cos it seems to be fading fast within mum, within dad.

I know having a relationship or trying to start one is always difficult. But to actually go through it at firsthand is mind boggling and I do mean mind boggling! In all honesty, I've never been on a real meaningful relationship. As compared to those typical young and rushed monkey love, to one that feels adult. And catching the prize of cos has never been my speciality. I've either been to shy to let my feelings known therefore letting the girl be taken by other unworthy scums or I just didn't care enough to try harder and be smarter in the game. Dumbass weirdo. I lack credibility but knowing me, I know the potential to do well is there in me.

Apart from the rare spats (not Single.Parents.Alone.Together!), I think we're doing fine. And Im just glad I have her at this point of time. Me beside you beside me.

It's a bittersweet feeling. Here you are being at one of the happiest times of your life and on the other hand, potentially one of your saddest all at the same time...

About A Boy

2006-10-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've some good and bad news.

The good news; after a month away, mum came back home safely from France last Sunday. The bad news; she is still suffering from a hangover. A great deal of it apparently. I don't know if I should sympathize or feel let down.

She's had her fun there. For one who had the support of the whole family, the least she could have done was to show some excitement over our reunion. As much as she denies it, it's easy to sense her heart still lies in France. Im not gonna murder mum over this cos I do actually feel for her just as well. Genuinely. Knowing Liann was perhaps the best thing that could have ever happened to her personally. Something refreshing she'd never experienced before. And who could've blame her? At the latter stages of life, can all of us be sure that we'd still have the same present circle of companions around us, occupying days of our lives?? There is no guarantee of even one surviving. The number just dwindles, Im sure. So for mum to find attachment and happiness in a complete foreign stranger of different religion and culture, I think is something amazing.

What is not, is the fact that mum and dad had quarelled (dad wasn't happy with mum being disillusioned since returning while she banged on how he'd never been appreciative of her). I don't think they've spoken two words to each other since. In times of war, it's hard to appease and find instant settlement when one is a hot headed fire spitting dragon while the other a sensative cold stone.

It's perhaps just the fitting of the puzzle. Or just adaptation. Mum to settle back to the life she knew while the rest of the family ease off her as she slowly finds her local bearings again. It is ironic that trouble has been brought about since the day two complete strangers found seemingly pure friendship in one another. It's like a double edge sword.

It's just another day in the office for the Othmans. But Im sure we'll pull through this like it's always been in the past. Me and the sisters will see to it that we do. Im just saddened the lil' ones; Amirul, Nadya and especially Shirhan had to see the war.

As for me.....

On a personal note, Im on a high. The bella I adore is back. (out of the bluest blue) That is something Im fortunate of and grateful for considering the current developments at home. There just has to be a balance of things right? God is merciful.

Ok this is gonna get a lil' cheesy. Bear with me.. They say if you release a bird and it flies away (*everyone ok??), then it was never really meant for you. But then if it comes back, then it's your's to keep...surely.

Now I know it's early seasons to start blowing the horns for a victory march. All Im saying is an opportunity has come begging again and Im not about to let it pass a second time. To make the best out of it. For all the negativities said and done, Im ready to forget and compromise. I guess that's just the nature of my game.

I've asked. How do you know when you're in love? (*right hang in there..) I don't think the answer is defined as clearly as I'd want it to be. ''Well you just know it..." What do u mean by you just know it?? How?? Is it like an intuition?? More of which; sensing or feeling?? Does it come to you instantly or does it take time before you can possibly tell what you're feeling is love, actually?? If it's about how special the other makes you feel and how you're willing to give it all for them just as you know they would for you.

"I've been meaning to ask you.

What's the difference between a girl who's your friend and a girlfriend?

Well, I don't know.

Do you want to touch her?

Is that so important?

Yeah, you've heard about sex, right?

It is kind of a big deal.

I know. I'm not stupid.

I just can't believe there's nothing more to it.

I mean, like, I want to be with her more. I want to be with her all the time.

And I want to tell her things I don't even tell you or Mum.

And I don't want her to have another boyfriend.

If I could have all those things...

...I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not."

- transcripts: About A Boy

Now imagine me and you...

It's All About Your Cries And Kisses, Those First Steps That I Can't Calculate

2006-10-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

I feel terribly sorry for dad. He works so hard on the job, slaving himself to it and I doubt the bollocks above him have got any heart at all. Knowing the strong person dad is, I can only pray for his good health. On the flip side, Im disgusted by his temperament and inability to understand me. Somehow he never fails to make me feel guilty over anything that doesn't work out in the play. It's like a sport where I always end up the loser.

Last night, I couldn't say yes to him. I couldn't ditch her. It just didn't feel right. We had only settled and having the appetising middle eastern food fill our stomachs. Unfortunately dad's unexpected request spoilt my appetite, killing all hopes of a second round appearance at the serving. That upset had the surprisingly disappointing ambience a run for its (my) money.

Everything just seems to fit into place once again. The temporary exile that we had never threatened any awkwardness at all, suggesting as if we've never been away. And like some invincible magnetic force, she draws me in effortlessly. My sails at the mercy of her wind. It's something I wished I had control of but the power she seems to have over me is almost second to none. I don't know what it is or why, it's just something I can't explain. When Im around her, I still get those goosebumps sometimes. I get nervous and then my mind will just shut leaving me void of expressions. That I found out unfortunately won't do me any good.

I need more information and understanding. A lost tourist in unfamiliar territory, perhaps I could do with a manual book.

In the blink of an eye, it's already been a week of fasting. And rumour has it that mum's coming back on Saturday. :)

Fill These Spaces Up With Days (I Can't Sleep)

2006-09-20T04:25:00.000-07:00

Time and time I've been told to stop blowing bubbles into the air. Yet somehow I remain stubborn. Sandcastles I've built remain unaltered. I just can't bear to let go and let reality blow them all away. As much as the optimistic person I am, I wished I was just as realistic. Dreaming and hoping for far more than I actually set out to achieve, I continue to install pretty images of the future and foolishly, overlooking treacherous ditches on the roads ahead. As I drift along with the currents, I worry that I'll get swallowed by the sea one unsuspecting day. Perhaps mum and dad were right all along. That you think you've come of age and you know everything... All I know is what I know. The rest of life's lessons remain the hidden unknown, either lying in wait for an ambush or revealing their beautiful sides in peaceful motion.

Dad saved me today. I had went against the safe bet. But as he went on about preserving a clean slate image on the job and not to fool around, I began to think twice. Im glad the warning came early enough before it was too late for redemption. Relieved, I'll sleep easy tonight. To think about it now, what is an assured $19 compared to enduring nervy moments of not knowing the outcome, if I'll pass or face the jury if discovered.

Without any treaty signed or friendly words exchanged, the non-existent relationship I thought I had with dad seems to be questioned lately. Perhaps, the working partnership has to be blamed. But Im not complaining. I just hope the calming of the sea between us will continue.

I wonder how mum is and what she is doing right now... It is strange sometimes that I don't think about her. Maybe it's better not to. Until the day she's returning home, I'll refrain from thinking too much. I'll try my best.

Within the growing emptiness, Im glad that a familiar glow has returned and shed some much needed light and life. Somewhat suggesting that it's here to stay, I am however silently worried that the clear sky will deceive. That it will invite the clouds over, soon blocking the sun again.

Stay.

I Can't Speak To You

2006-09-14T01:45:00.002-07:00

Azure Ray - Sleep

Mum left for Metz, France last Friday. At the airport, I felt calm, strangely. It was only when I saw mum going through the ticketing counter of the departure hall that it finally hit me. Mum was really leaving. I fought back the emotions and for periods, I was winning. But as I looked on her walking away, through the clear glass, I started to weaken. The more she turned and waved goodbye, the more my heart sank. A rush of tears suddenly welled in my eyes and I was helpless to resist this time. I had told myself prior to seeing mum off that I wouldn't cry. I managed not to (honest!) but I felt terrible. Miserably sad. Dad was his usual self, strong with emotions. But I knew, he was tearing inside. Water dams broke for the other brother and sisters. I hate goodbyes.

Anyway mum's touchdown safely. Right now probably enjoying the beautiful sunshine scenery perched on top of a hilltop as she dines with her dear Liane. The sweet aroma of french toast with mac and cheese served with freshly brewed coffee... Either that she's enjoying the city of blinding lights...Paris.

I don't want to be counting down the days, not yet. For now, it's easier to let time roll away. Days have passed and I've been successful enough to not think too much about her. But Im getting the feeling that Im starting to miss her, her missing presence evident in the gradual piling of clothes for the laundry, the unwashed dishes lying in the kitchen sink. The windows in my room remain shut without those helpful hands of hers. Things around the house feels stagnant and still. For one who's often locked in his room, I've not been blind nor oblivious to this. It's mum that holds the family together. She's the heartbeat for me.

I saw The Devil Wears Prada last Tuesday. I was only watching it to see what the fuss was all about surrounding the movie's premiere. I didn't actually think I'd enjoy the movie but I did. I found it to be a surprisingly nice movie, thankfully. It wasn't about the clothes that I found fashionably interesting. (there weren't much on display anyway). Nor was it the pretty actress. What I liked about it was the learning value behind the entertainment. I know it sounds corny, whatever it is that was just what I discovered. Being true to yourself and standing up for what you believe in.

Family, friends and you. Personal life and the job. Each affected by the choices you make. As you set upon it, you slowly realise the outcomes. Some which you actually expect to happen, and some unintended. Things will never work both ways for you. Simultaneously, as you thrive on one thing, you fade the other. There was a part in the movie which made good sense. They were talking on about family and the job and bla bla bla... when the guy mentions something like if things start falling apart at home, it means it's time for a promotion.

To get to the top, sometimes we inadvertently hurt the very ones that supports and love us. If I knew, I would never do it. I couldn't. Im just not ruthless enough. My whole life, I've always centered around simplicity. I don't need to be filthy rich, surrounded by pretty people and in social life be known as the popular one. Being looked up to has always made me feel uncomfortable. I'd rather just go about my business quietly through the radar. Any success shared, while not making any grand announcements in failure for sympathy. All I need is a good stable job that feeds, ever present friends, a united family and one special person who stands by me through hopes and fears. One who loves for whatever I am and not. Simplicity will make me a grand person.

Just an update on little Nadia, she's about 4 months old now. Getting cuter each time I see her... When she blabbers and smiles at me, she brings me into her own world.

I miss mum.

I Get Scared But Im Not Crawling On My Knees

2006-09-03T01:50:00.001-07:00

Having friends, real good ones around you is a total blessing. They keep you calm and collected. They make you forget all your troubles, enlighten you and bring smiles to your face. Problem is, they can't be there for you 24-7. And it is those times that I feel lost and most loneliest. Not that I have a family to fall back on. It's just that we're not the most communicative group of people living together that you'll ever find. Either that, it's just me. I think it's the latter. And I think that's a big problem I don't know how to correct. Whatever it is, I know I'll always have a family's back if I ever seek solace.

I just miss my teenage years. I feel that they passed me by too quickly. They're gone forever and yet Im still left thirsting for those lost quarters of my life. I don't want to grow older cos Im scared, worry I'll never be sure of what my life's gonna be like in the future. Dreams and aspirations are still a blur. Is this what they call mid-life crisis?

It'll definitely be of some help if I had someone. A close companion. Someone to share my hopes and fears, intimately. Learn to walk the tightropes of life together. I guess, Im just scared of being alone at the end of the day. But who doesn't?

I just hope that God will soon send me an angel to guide me. And He will ask that she stays with me...

What I Chase Won't Set Me Free (All I Wanted)

2006-09-01T21:10:00.003-07:00

Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy

I had a drive around with Indra last wed. Destination was Orchard. But we got more than we asked for. We got lost on the road. Dorks! I guess that's only normal for first timers... isn't it? On the ECP, I missed the exit for Rochor to get to town via Suntec. Indra's conversations distracted me. Kudos to me for trusting him to be my extra eyes on the road. Soon the lesson (and torture) began. Getting lost was one thing, hearing constant garbage from the person sitting next to you was another deal to handle. He was that irritating, surprisingly. I had wanted to punch him. Yell at the top of my voice to ask him to shut the fuck up. And wished he'd disappear completely so that I'll figure out the way in peace. Those were in mind. All I could offer in real time were pathetic "oh really..." and the "ahuh..." replies to his nonsense. For a moment, I wished it was dad sitting next to me.

I guess seeing I was a little worried that we won't getting anywhere familiar and probably cos our asses were starting to sore, he became more responsible and help to lead the way. And along it, redeemed himself. Somehow, all I remember was going in circles off some road before we magically (praise the Lord!) found ourselves in Clarke Quay. Of cos, I was familiar now. Those years of policing certainly came in handy.

We hit Orchard close to midnight. It was a rare treat. Walking around as a normal civilian without having to worry about the public's eye. Having supper at Mac's that late hour without having to worry how you're gonna get home brought such an o' good feeling.

As if it wasn't getting any later, we took our guitars stuffed in the car, and played through the wee hours of the morning. Harrrrrr...

What's gone will always stay with me. Memories will be cherished. I just wished we had advanced technology where we could have our minds erased. So that we can always start again, each time a brand new person unscathed by any painful past.

To have the things you thought were lost forever return to you is always nice. It brings a nice surprise and I've always loved that. And everything has been clarified. They are much clearer to me now. But in knowing the truth, Im saddened by the fact that perhaps I was being misunderstood. That my true intentions were never given time, a chance to prove itself. Fear always chokes our hopes.

Things are different now. Somehow there's still a tiny thought in me, wishing things then had been different. And who dares question the existence of possibilities. But I know it's a tall tall order for changes. I don't want to live in the past. I hate waiting. I hate hoping for something good to happen only to be disappointed in the end. So I think for the good of me and others, it's best to leave things as they are and not ask questions. Forgive and forget. Be grateful with what you are and what you have. Let nature run it's course.

Beautiful thing. Perhaps I'll stumble across another...

Sociability is hard enough for me. But Sya says I need to stop depending on the computer. Instead go out more and do more, with the hope that I get to meet and know more people. Perhaps that's what I need to do.

Im sure the time will come for discovering. Right now, I just need a moment to settle. Cos now it's all just me again, back where I started and Im not sure of what I want...

p/s: Mum leaves for France in a week's time. :(

Blame It On The Black Star

2006-08-26T02:05:00.001-07:00

I've been tiring easily past couple of days, sleeping more than usual. That's odd. Perhaps going back to normal shifts after a month of office work has turned the body system upside down. I pity the body. I pity me.

I "missed" friday prayers today. I think I suffered the repercussions. Perhaps Im just being superstitious. (Not that I won't suffer from any consequences missing the prayers). But Im the kind of person who believes and likes to think that you either get punished or rewarded for the things you do. The "you get what you give" theory. This seems to be happening to me, most of the time usually for the bad ones. The remaining occasions of bad behaviour gone unpunished, I'd like to think that God was taking a break and missed my deeds. Or perhaps He was just cutting me some slack.

For the whole day, I just felt lousy. Groggy. Headaches seem to come and go. Nothing felt good. Driving certainly didn't help. On the road, in the car, I guess you can never please everyone. I understand that. And I don't know why I feel sorry now.

I'll forget the day, go to sleep and hope things work out better tomorrow.

Today's just been one of those shitty days.

Troubled Words Of A Troubled Mind, I Try To Understand

2006-08-25T01:50:00.001-07:00

Radiohead - Black Star

Mum is going away on a holiday to France soon...to visit some French lady named Liann. Only God knows how they became friends, and such close ones over a short period of time. Amazing.

I still can't believe she's going and all by herself. On the other hand, Im happy for her. Travelling is always nice. The only worry is how well the family is going to cope while she's away. Heard it's gonna be a month long stay! I know for certain, I'll be missing her dearly.

So things might just get a little bit lonelier in about a month's time. This is not good for my sanity.

The past couple of days, weeks when I was out, I passed places I used to sit, stand and walk by... And everytime I did, the mind would wander and recollect. The still images that played in my head of cos never connected with the current situation. Vacant spaces the reality of it all.

A Surprise.

I realised it only recently and it sure shook me up. It's like going through rehabilitation and you think you're doing well, only to fall back to your old cravings again. It's probably all in the mind. Being revisited by the past, made me feel good. Hopeful. But at the same time, Im confused. It's all bittersweet.

What am I to do -

Hailing from the brilliant album: The Bends, this under-rated track truly ranks among the best Radiohead songs. Love it.

Hold On To Your Kite

2006-08-23T17:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone in the family now knows. Well now I guess others will soon...

As much as I've remembered, I don't think I've ever seen that look on her face. Well, perhaps I have years and years ago, it's just been too long to recall. So it was nice to see that look again.

It was obvious. She was proud of her boy and glad that I finally accomplished it. It's always a good feeling whenever you see mum smile from ear to ear.

Keeping the big secret in wraps even for a couple of days was hard. I just had to tell. I got a "you're a freak...!" from sis. Haha.

Yesterday, I drove mum and dad around for the first time ever. The first time that I ever drove our car too. Dad got so practical. ''This is for this is for this is for this...'' It made me nervous. But once on the road, nervousness slowly faded and substituted itself into adrenalin... It was a great feeling. I've got a day of experience under my belt now. Woohoo awesome!!! Haha

It's unbelievable. Im on the driver's seat.(?) Still trying to stomach all this...

Something So Beautiful

2006-08-18T23:35:00.000-07:00

It was a feeling I hated. Waiting for the test to start. It was like school examinations all over again. Anxiety seriously could have caused me heart failure. I swore I've never felt it beat so hard. And the straight arrogant look on the tester's face certainly didn't help my confidence.

The good news is... I PASSED!!! I tell you it's an unbelievable feeling... Knowing that you are finally able to... after years of patience, waiting. It's a personal achievement Im proud of. Im a different class now. Woohoo!!!

This will be music to them. A pleasant surprise they'll have soon.

17th August 2006 - Life just got a lot interesting

I thank THEE for giving me something so beautiful...

Cheers. =)

Just Don't Let Me Down

2006-08-17T03:05:00.000-07:00

The Kooks - Naive

I passed my IPPT the other day. Got a silver and with that a cool $100 added into the coffers. (it sounds much cooler when you say it with the automated operator's voice in mind, the one you hear whenever you do your EZlink card top-ups. $100 added..) Rubbing hands with glee...

That said, I've got another monster of a test (bigger)... later in a few hours time. It's about 2.15 in the morning, and I am realising I should have been in bed right now but I just can't. For once, Im really nervous! Seriously.

The Test.

Instincts, control and judgement... Don't let me down. And God, empower me with charmed luck. Show me something pretty please.

p/s: Take it easy. Whatever you're going or went through, will be compensated. Im sure of that.

I give up far more quickly than before I can actually achieve. Still, it all very much depends on whatever that's in pursuit. Zodiac sign reads Scorpio.

I dare say, no one ever knows who they really are nor do any have answers to all questions, 100% completely. No one could. No one should. If one ever did, sHe'd be perfect. But WE are only humans. That's why we make mistakes to learn from. But knowing that impossible is possible, to know all or most about solutions, will still however cost us time and stages.

Like you, I am always learning. So chill.

The Way This Wheel Keeps Working

2006-08-11T02:53:00.000-07:00

My stomach feels weird. I can almost taste it, everything I had earlier. Blended caramel coffee with whipped cream, pizza, pepsi, chicken and of cos the countless sticks. And almost for certainty, the latter's the one that is causing the most amount of discomfort (and health damage) now. Not that the super spicy chicken was any good to stomach.

Smokey filled belly... I'd reckon gas panic to come anytime soon.

Met the good friend again for our weekly meeting. It's good that we're keeping to the promise. I had to see him anyway, for the good stuffs. Crazy cravings...

When you're friends with someone for a certain period of time, you tend to know their characters inside out, understand their body language. So it wasn't difficult for me to realise that good pal was in a sombre mood. Something about his face just wasn't right. His cheeks were sagging... Seemingly. Haha. Body language wasn't good.

His problems are (were) just like mine. It's great to know that someone trully understands how I feel now. Not good for him though. L-O, L-O, L-O, L-O-V-E... Im talking about L.O.V.E! ( I L.O.V.E Ashlee Simpson!) ... Anyway, it sucks when it doesn't work for you. To have it happen to someone you know in a matter of weeks from when it happened you, that is sad and tragic. It is a funny little thing when you think about it. I think Im near sailing while he's entering the rapids... Take it easy friend. We'll meet at the fall.

What Women Want

No man knows. It's a thing every single man wished he had powers over. Understanding these complicated creatures that co-exists and unfortunately something that men ( - gays, no offence) can never live without. Fuck. Why did it (L-O, L-O, L-O, L-O-V-E. Can't help humming the song in my head!) even have to exist in the first place? Why can't we, men and women just live happily as non-committed beings, contented with having each other's company, only in the name of friendship. You have to agree that L-O-V-E (sometimes) ruins relationships, friendships. I add testimony to this.

In good times, women can be the most beautiful thing God ever created. For worse, they're like witches. Ugly evil monsters. Casting spells on men that seem impossible to break... The potion for cure being a strong will of heart and time itself.

All in all perhaps, this is just what life is all about. A balance of things. You win some, you lose some.

I am winning, at work that is. Passed national day duties for once (yipee!). Plus Im real excited over the course Im undertaking. Work has never been this fun! Soon...

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

p/s: Im curious. Lil Chiquitita, tell me who you are.

When Someone's Last Goodbye Blends In With Someone's Sigh

2006-08-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

I still miss you. (Fuck) I won't be the last...

As much as it feels that I've begun to get a grip of things again, the feeling sure is weird. It just doesn't fit. Perhaps this is what a friend meant. Not knowing why things don't feel right even when all is over and seemingly gone back to normal. When returning to your "country" now appears alien suddenly. Lost and void of soul. To say getting back to the way things were has surely thrown a whole new meaning to me now. I realised that it's just not about going back to how I lived life then. It's about getting back and stepping up a level. There's the need to or the lesson learnt from the past will go to waste and only serve as popcorn entertainment. If there is one thing I learnt, then this is definitely it. Take risks and live not in fear. I remember, you said.

In solitude, it's comforting to know that solace is just about around every corner you turn if you ever need it. Motives may never be known, but whatever it is...still... To those concerned, my sincerest gratitudes...

In words, everything said perhaps paints a sad sorrowful situation. It was (perhaps) but not anymore. So for knowledge (esp you Ms Erin), Im not sliding helplessly on a downward spiral of spirits. Im just down. But don't we all fall before getting up, bigger and stronger??

Levelling up. I have surely stepped up on this one. And Im afraid I might have be hooked unknowingly. Now there's an offer. Did I hear cartons??? I give myself to it. The urge for going...

In about 9 hours time, Im gonna do (definitely maybe) the best office hours work I've done in years. Excellent stuff. Pure adrenalin pleasure. Soon...

Time is now. Now is redemption. Goodnight.

You won't be the first...

People Have The Right To Fly

2006-08-01T23:56:00.000-07:00

Part 1.

1st August 2006. I'll remember this day.

For I realised something today. About control. How essential it is to have in almost everything that we do. You see you might not realise it (yet), but control seems to be something that we're all empowered with. It is only the amount of application that defines the difference. Between being one or the other. We choose the settings.

Crowd. Greed. Temper. Ball. Traffic. Animals. Emotions. Mind. Power. Machines. Money. Speed. Birth. Game. Army. You. Me. (Me+You=)Lust.

Now, do I make any sense at all? As complicated (kookoo?) as it seems, it's in fact all plain and simple. It's just me. I like to complicate things. Soon...

Control. I just felt how important it was for me to have it today. And I think I can and will master it. Sure I'll be good at it. Just give it time.

I'll be around the bend.

Part 2.

If I was gay, I'd be a cute short one? Something's not right. I'd be a cute charming gay. Hmmm that's better.

I saw the video...Squamies?? What in the name of...! *gasps* ...My friends are crazy. But I guess that's why they are what they are to me. Somehow crazy people just interests me... Entices me. Still tho', it's kinda kewl thing what they did. I want one too... sing, sing sing to me people!!!

Past few days, I've been spending more time being out. And I like that Im doing it instead of staying home, locked in the room. That's just recipe for depression. Not that being out takes me away completely, just that it does seem to help. Keep it rolling now.

And oh, don't watch Lady In The Water!!! If you still have to, kill yourself.

...And When It Gets Compromised

2006-07-28T03:40:00.000-07:00

I didn't really enjoy the first half of today. It felt drab, dry and whatever I did, I just couldn't find any satisfaction. It didn't feel good. I felt lost and I hated the feeling.

I was in Sya's room, while she was in mine. (It's funny how we always "switch" rooms whenever one is in the other's. Can't stand each other's presence? I doubt it's the case anymore. In fact, I dare say we or more appropriately I, more than welcome the company. Lately I feel like Im alone, makes me feel hopeless and thus depressed. Can't stand it.)
With my old companion guitar, I sat down and decided to rewrite a song that I wrote quite some time ago. Entitled: Stranger, the first few lines goes something like:

"You look at me in the eye
I can't help but smile
You come a little closer, closer to me
Your smell it enchants me
Your stare cripples my knees
You stand a little closer, closer to be seen
You're just another soul
I wanna know
You're just that pretty face
I want to embrace
You got me now
Hypnotized somehow
Your eyes they pull me over
To danger
But I want you stranger"

I got stuck after that... Still open to changes, but I think I have a pretty good idea of how the direction, tune and melody of the song is gonna go. Strangely at the very start of the song, it sounds like it's gonna break into Damien Rice's Blower's Daughter! But I guess as the song flows, the difference is obvious. I won't worry about it anyway. Damien Rice is a perfect example for writing songs with similar sounding tunes and feels and yet succeeds in making them entirely different in their own ways. Brilliant.

The better half of the day by a mile, began with me going out with a close friend. Thinking about it now, I am glad I intiated the outing. It's been a while since we last met and got to hang out. Always having a good time, it's a wonder why we never hung out that often. We will do this more often... as we should have. The makan place at Lucky Plaza was excellent. Absolutely loved it. And that part of Starbucks will be our Central Perk from now on.

I look to my eskimo friend when Im down...

Getting down to serious conversations about our lives, petty matters and secrets, I don't think there's a better person to share it with right now. The advices given were freakishly similar to what sis had for me. I wonder if the lad's actually a woman trapped in a man's body or perhaps he was a woman in his previous life. Whatever it is, it justifies my belief that he's one of the right people to talk to. My confidant. You should be so proud... Love ya. (God I sound so gay... Heck I think if I were, you would've been my clear pick! Haha.) On a serious note, I hope you do know what you're doing. It's risky business.

Now, Simon or Garfunkel. Take your pick.

Cheers dude.

Let's Move It Along

2006-07-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

John Mayer - Wheel

It's an ongoing battle between the mind, head and heart. Im constantly contemplating on things, whether I should do this or that or simply not do anything. I think this will take a while before the dust settles. I say the quicker the better. Cos it's just not funny at all, not anymore.

I don't think I can ever explain what I felt then, those first few days were hell. To think about it, it's probably one of the worse experiences I've had. It still lingers, only that I think Im at another hell's level now, one which is closer to the exit.

I think the fact that Im back to writing again reveals a good sign that perhaps things are slowly getting back to the way they used to...before IT.

IT. Strange how I used to have a discussion on this... The movie where a monstrous evil clown scares the shit out of his victims, killing some of them. And 10-20 years down, the survivors still remember and feel the same ill-effects. I wish that doesn't happen to me. But if it does, then we all know what happens at the end of the show. The evil clown dies. (does IT?) The survivors win. I'll win.

I'd be lying if I said I've forgottten and not missed her at all. I still do. Something tells me that I'll always will. But there is only so much between holding on to something or letting go. It's a fine line. A compromise between what the head and heart says. I will have to find that balance quickly.

Remembering what they said, not to think too much about it unneccesarily, and keeping yourself occupied with good stuffs and friends. (single friends for the better cos you'd appreciate more of their company than those lovey dovey lovebirds..! haha.) I guess sis had a point. If things don't work out, then they were never meant to be. But I still wonder why they have to happen in the first place(?????)

I just remembered something that Marlina said to me. How you shouldn't give your entire heart out to someone, no matter how much you feel for them.

You can't love too much one part of it...(??)

It's back to the old drawing board now...

(Hopefully come september, I'll have some good news to share... God willing.)

Cheers.

You Don't Want To Know (You Take Much More Than I'd Ever Ask For)

2006-07-18T03:55:00.000-07:00

D - Day.

Dear Friend,

I am living in anticipation of you. Every beep and ring, I wish... You have poisoned me and my mind. Im an emotional wreck. You just won't leave and I can't let go.

I wonder what you're doing, everytime. I think about the things you'd always do and say, like cracking your lame silly made up jokes and riddles. Your bizarre explanations on matters of the world. And singing songs... albeit killing almost every single one of them. Except for No Sleep. You were perfect with that. I still smile when I think of the things you do.

I heard you. And for a moment, I rejoiced. You soothe me.

Love. I'd sacrifice it for friendship, anytime.

Now, you'll sacrifice me for everything else. Your sudden cold voice breaking the peace suggesting that you meant what you say. No qualms. No hesitations. Apart from that, it seems that you're doing alright. Everything appears to be back in order. Nothing's changed. And you've found a new friend. You've always wanted it. Sweet. Im happy fur you.

You were a lover. More importantly, you were a friend. You made me happy and laugh.

The kidding-kiddoo song. ( I'll never get the words right...)

Like you said, we'll get over it. Bit by bit, memories will fade. But even when I find closure, I doubt it. It's a shame things have to end this way. And you'd keep one and throw the others. It's sad knowing Im just one of the others...

Take care my weirdo.

In time, you'll disappear. Im here and I'll remember you :)

Will You See Me In The End?

2006-07-17T02:30:00.000-07:00

Keane - Hamburg Song

Day 1.

Dear Friend,

I don't think I can do this. I don't think it'll last for long. As much as Im trying to, the thought of you lingers stubbornly, just like the person you are.

You said not to try. Im trying not to try. You know you've always had the power over me. But still I wanna call you, but if I do, will you pick up? Or will you call me instead? Will u ever?

It's ok if you don't. Just let me know you're still there, somehow. Any sign. I need assurance. Don't erase yourself from me. Leave all that's about you untouched. I need your presence around. I beg of you.

Don't say forever. Let me know for how long. I'll wait. Go away now. But don't get lost. Don't lose yourself in the music. Come back again. I'll wait. Let me know for how long. Don't say forever.

I miss you. Goodnight.

Fix Me To Fix You

2006-07-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

Do I paint a picture so clear and simplified that at one look it tells a story? Are the words painted on me? I suppose Im not so mysterious afterall.

It's funny too when you think you know yourself more than others do, like you understand you best. We might be wrong. I am wrong. We'd like to think that we're always right, justified in our actions, in most if not everything we do. How I wish that was the case. We may not know it but sometimes we get blinded and the good escapes detection from our eyes' radar. Unknowingly, we get on with doing what we feel is the best bet for whatever it is, our trust on the trusted not once wavered. I guess it's a dysfunctional disease that breeds and reigns in us humans. An invincible flaw. Somehow rather no matter how big or small the scale is, we make a point about our righteousness, how we're right on something. Like it or not, we're all big stubborn heads. It's just for the feel good factor.

Judging is an evil word. No one has got the right to judge but God himself. So it's almost laughable whenever we try to play God. Only God shall judge me.

2 + 2 = 5

Anything's possible. But I am too stubborn and sceptic for that. I only choose to believe in logic. I believe in what I think-feel is right. I have the invincible human disease. I have the flaw.

There are many fishes in the pond indeed. All Im saying is, if you like tuna, you like tuna...

Wish You Were Here

2006-07-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

Coldplay concert was a blast.
I just wished you were here..

Lights Will Guide You Home And Ignite Your Bones

2006-07-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know how it developed. It happened overnight. I saw the signs but I chose to ignore it. Now Im left with a hoarse voice. Fucking irritating. I can't complete a sentence without my voice breaking. How the bloody hell am I gonna go to work with this kinda state? Blame the heat. Blame the lack of water. Blame the current conditions. Oh and I smoked a cigarette too. That felt awesomely good.

The past month or so has been a hell of a rolllercoaster ride. Full of ups and downs. The highs especially, the greatest heights. Unfortunately however, it's ended. I think. It was a ride I've never been on and potentially the best I have ever been on. Something I'll never forget ever. The past month, I became a kid again. I was the happiest then. I thank thee for that.

I don't know why we can never be happy. Perhaps it's a curse. Perhaps it's karma. Perhaps it's just bad luck. Or perhaps we just don't believe enough. As much as I hoped we'd be a closer unit, there's just no indication that it'll ever happen. I think I've grown accustomed to all these silly petty fights in the house. To his grave, grandpa was never trully at peace with mum. Grandpa and dad, mum and dad had their load of issues. Mum always seemed to find faults with sis right up to her marriage. When I was growing up, I felt that dad was always picking on me, and hitting me. Now he only screams, I'll never tolerate anymore of the old nonsense. We've never had that father-son relationship kinda thing. I just wished we were closer. Of cos, there were the occasional sibling squabbles, non more than those that involved me and Sya. And little An seems to be living in a world of his own. As long as he's safe and happy, I wouldn't mind. Im just glad that the bond between us siblings are much more concrete these days. Brothers and sisters unite.

Perhaps, Uncle Spencer and the close friends are the only people that have made me genuinely happy, always. Without them, I don't think I'd be a normal person. Of cos, I'll always love mum.

I just think I need to get away for awhile.

If You Never Try You'll Never Know, Just What You're Worth

2006-07-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

I fell asleep on a late night train... Then, something unexpected happened but it was the most loveliest feeling I'd ever felt. As she stood and strutted forward, I tried to catch a desperate last glimpse of her face, a reflection on the door. I remembered thinking and asking to myself if I should follow her.. I didn't. She left, and with it took away an opportunity I wished I had taken. I am seeing the face I've grown to be crazily fond of turning on it's fading process. God knows when it'll disappear..if ever it chooses to. I fear she's slipped through.

I wished I'd return and this time tell her the things I wanted to say then, tell things I've always wanted to say but was too afraid to. Do the things that turned wheels. A second offering of hope. Feels like I'll never gonna get it and nothing's gonna change now. Hard luck in repetition.

To have a clear illustration of things, everything in your mind would be a kewl thing to have. To have full knowledge of how they worked and the things that make them fail. Knowing their strengths and weaknesses. To understand me. Understand what I have and lack. Once then Im sure a straight long road with several junctions will never be of any worry. I have chosen my path. Whether it brings me to the destination Im seeking is altogether another matter. I could be lost trying to find it.

I feel like I am getting what I gave, even though honestly, I was unaware of the negative vibes I was sending out. I thought all was fine. I thought it was all close to being perfect. Nothing is perfect. I am only human. We learn from our mistakes. And I promise I will learn from my mine.

So I fell asleep on a late night train...I missed my stop. But it'll go round again. And if it does, I will try...

For now, Im just glad she's still here. Move on now...

Tell Me If It's True

2006-06-30T23:55:00.000-07:00

This is the furthest I've been. Yet still, I don't know where Im going. I thought the path was cleared but now I seemed to have lost my way, though not for the first time. Im having doubts. Whatever made me think I'd have it all so easily..

I don't understand what is going on.

It's clear she's torn up about it. It was all in the past and it's gone. But it remains etched forever in mind. A strong memory, something like remembering how uncle Spencer used to bring me to the malls and buy action figure toys for me. It seems to me that no matter what I do now and the times ahead, I'll never be on top. I could be wrong but it does sure feels like it.

It's true. No one will probably ever understand the statement. I never have. I feel a temporary disconnection whenever I hear it. I hate the feeling. No matter how hard I try to stomach it, I fail each time. And now the confession has been repeated again in print. As much I didn't wanna believe it, I couldn't help but fear the worse. The engines are failing and the red pumping machine is stalling. The paranoia has kicked in.

If the bubble has burst, I don't think Im in any position to question how it happened and the actions before. I don't think Im entitled to. There was never supposed to be roses in the script. We had both written and agreed to play the roles of white doves.

That script has since been in the trash for I have been cast under a spell ever since the stranger appeared in front of me. Mesmerized, I was lost for a moment not knowing what to do.
From then on, it has been magic. Nothing can ever explain my feelings enough.

I think I have fallen for the stranger. I have always did. But I wonder if it still matters...

Let there be love.

A Beautiful Thing

2006-06-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

As time unravels the unknown, the secret slowly unfolds. One by one asked, and I being the shy creature, blushed...my cheeks never been any rosier. Then like it's been every time since, a sudden rush of adrenalin and anxiety hits me. Though it feels like a very short moment of time freeze, I somehow will manage to run and rally the issue around my thoughts. The words flow like I have no control over them. Told like a fairytale story from a book, it seemed to capture the imagination and more importantly attention of those that were being audienced. I don't know what it is, but it felt good letting go. Like I was proud of it.

On the other hand, I never knew what to expect of the other's reactions. The emotions. Like any storyteller, I hoped and waited for congratulatory remarks to rain in. Of cos being human, you can never please everyone. While I enjoyed every ounce of happiness thrown at me even if some felt suspiciously faked, the one thing I was worried of, materialized...at least I think.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of what it was. The signs weren't convincing enough and it felt like it was gonna take an eternity before something happened. The constant rise and fall of the chips perhaps drained me off my stakes and slowly the belief faded. What once felt a possibility now seemed like a distant dream..

In death, a beautiful thing reborns. A beginning for every end.

I see it.

I Get My Beat

2006-06-24T04:49:00.000-07:00

Radio = Richard Ashcroft - I Get My Beat

Truth is universal. Everyone believes.

Fate. Destiny. Luck. Time. Love. Hate. Religion. Faith. Life. Death.

Intertwined and related one way or another. They make the person that we become, for good or worse.

In believing somehow, I sometimes confuse myself with the good and bad. What's constructive and what's destructive. What I want and need essentially, picking off rubbish from necessities. Fine-tuning the speed at which life's wheel should turn. Making decisions has never been my forte, Im fickle and sway far too easily to be good at it.

Even when things appear to be good and in actual fact is, I cannot help but think and worry. What if this, what if that... The repercussions. Whatever outcome may be. I hate being pessimistic. Cos with that, along comes paranoia. It's a shitty feeling.

Can't everything be plain jane simple? Like you get one definite answer for whatever you do and not possibilities. Choices only confuse us. People wish for time machines. I think it'll be cooler if we can have tell machines instead. Machines that actually reveal outcomes for all we do and choose. If time machines were built to recover time, wouldn't all the travelling done back and forth waste time itself? Ironic.

Luck has never been an ally of mine. I'd like to think that we're a company now. There was a day when I told a story of myself to strangers, just like the days I've done before. As the faces changed, I chanced upon one. It looked like it was framed from some fine art gallery. I had to chapter it...

Fate. Destiny. Luck. Time. Love. Hate. Religion. Faith. Life. Death.

Now, I get my beat with you.

If I Lay Here, Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget The World?

2006-06-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

6.10pm
Radio = Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

This is unlike any I have ever been or felt before. Im glad that Im happy. I never thought I'd be this soon. Yet for all, that is the only thing I can think of how to say how I feel. Happy is good.

Open up your eyes..

[The hidden ditches ahead are a cause for concern. I doubt I have the capabilities to overcome them. I worry I'll be a disappointment.]

But my eyes are slowly opened, I realised this is something that is potentially too precious, too important, too pure to be tripping over. Perhaps the best thing that's happened for a long long time..

In my own head, the night was magical. Clasped and the warmth instantly made me feel at ease. The sweet smell coupled with silky smooth fine thread running across with the wind. Eyes of gold melted me. The view was beautiful. The moon glowed like a big fat balloon. The reservoir seemed like it was frozen. Crystal shine. It made me wanna run and slide across the surface. And the silence was mystical.

Of cos nothing could ever be perfect. The fake twisted accent commentaries. The Hip-pows and The See You In 1 piece-s.. I swore I squirmed everytime they said that.

I thank thee for the night.

Cheers.

p/s: Happy Belated Birthday Rai and Sya. Advance greeting to Im.

7.45pm

Am I Too Obvious To Preach It? [You're So Hypnotic On My Heart]

2006-06-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

4.26pm
Radio = Gavin Degraw - Follow Through

The green softie and her looked irresistible together. Perhaps if I had stared long enough, I would have tasted goodness. And while all the time I thought of putting 5 and 5 together, the harder it seemed to get. Im sure that wasn't so and that's a shame.

The arab man had zero problems having his hands on me. And to turn around with a smile.. That was creepy. I felt violated and cheap. Idiot.

Im an innocent accidental snail killer. Perhaps this one was out for revenge. Big ugly slimy snail was creeping up and came mighty close to knocking the balls off me but I was saved by super duper peanut butter sandwich making woman. Awww my hero..
Good effort snaily. Try moving a little bit quicker next time.

That night, all I had to bring home was a smiley face with love drawn on a yellow round badge.

I'll break the duck soon, if the duck allows..

Signoff,
Virgin Wannabe.

5.36pm

There’s Still A Little Bit Of Your Song In My Ear

2006-05-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

10.30am

When you long for someone you barely know. When you try to keep your mind off that someone by distracting yourself, and the thought of that person just keeps jumping back to mind / Each time. When all you think of is nothing but the thought of their eternity presence around you.

And then suddenly you realised you're not you. Slowly your guard fades, even faster when you sort of lose control and begin to let it down, like helplessly at their will. You begin to doubt reality. If something like that would/could actually happen when it was in fact happening. The circumstances should it all in truth just turn out to be a slideshow in the end. But fears aside, hope makes you feel a lot easier. Like everything around seems less intimidating and you see the lighter sides you don't think you've seen before.

Dream.. Dream.. Dream.. Dream..

If this is infatuation, then I don't ever want to get over it..

[Hypnotized and in awe]

12.04pm

You Step A Little Closer Each Day

2006-05-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

12.43pm
Radio = Damien Rice - Cannonball

I've tried my very bestest to get Nadia's pics. But apparently sis isn't in a charitable mood. Perhaps busy working on that figure 8.. There weren't much but of those mobile- sent, these 2 stood out. It's pretty much obvious why..

Angelic

Put A Smile Upon My Face

Life is trully one hell of a rollercoaster ride. One minute you're going through the lowest of lows, and the next you feel like superman; on top of everything, anything. The lowest of lows being not knowing what to do just to spend the hours to scrape through the day. Family all busy with the daily routines. Friends tied with their own missions. No lover for solace which spells zero glory. Everything around seems like a blur making you lose concentration and interest in the things that you love. And when you think you'd sink further, life throws you a line..perhaps to stir and mix it up a bit. Cos everything's gone a little too predicted in it's design. Lifelines come in all forms. Let it be winning a lottery, getting a pay raise, discovering an interest or skill that you never knew you were good at or simply getting to know a complete stranger and realise how wonderful that person is.

Everything that you hoped for, suddenly you find in him/her. Let's say racking up the checks in your personal scoreboard. And though there's every chance that this will disappoint, the fact that it's still unclear if he's/she's THE one, you choose to ignore it and start to risk. Deep deep down secretly praying that this will be it.. If so, great. But what if this is just transit? Just one of those many meetings with strangers who'll come and go.

Life is just...

I remember well how Damien Rice explained it. It wasn't how I had imagined it was supposed to be but it was beautiful..

"Being in a room. Barely knowing the person sitting next to you but you're very much attracted to her. There's a certain distance in between but then in your head you're all over her. And then she leaves the room, you feel terrible that she's gone. But the great thing now is you can then do all the things that you wanted to with her.... In your head that is."

Cheers.

1.31pm

Beauty In The Breakdown

2006-05-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

3.54pm

For all the seemingly endless discussions of heart and headaches, something beautiful came into my life yesterday. And for a moment, it made me forget everything..

Sister gave birth to her second child, a daughter yesterday morning. And Im an excited uncle for a second time! The moment I saw my first ever niece, she brought a smile to my face. She was pretty and angelic. Everything about her was so peaceful.

Welcome to the family, Nadia.

Pictures due soon.

4.14pm

Such Boundless Pleasure, We've No Time For Later Now

2006-05-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

7.06pm

I know I've been stressing on the lows of life since.. I don't know when, since joining the working class people? And it seems that the more I put it into writing, the more determined I get to setting it right. Of cos it's so easy to forget that we tend to say more and do less.. for me at least. Bah! I need that thing called motivation, badly. I realised Im beginning to turn into something what Imran loves to call it - driftwood. It's scary knowing that time keeps on turning. And as we age along, there's nothing in the world we can do about it. Perhaps the older we get the more desperate we become. So I'd say, carpe diem.. Always. Do it you idiot!! [self referential]

Yesterday was sister's birthday and I missed the family dinner to celebrate the occasion last night. I can't believe I didn't bring my lazy ass off bed. In deep sleep and if I may recall, was going through multiple dreams. Now that rarely happens. Not that I can remember any now. Shit I feel bad.. even worse when I think of the fact that I haven't got her anything! Buying gifts - I've never been good at it. Perhaps that is one thing I should work on next year...just to be fair to those birthdays that have passed this year! Happy Birthday sis..

Resolution number 1: Start making resolutions
Resolution number 2: Achieve the resolutions
Resolution number 3: Start getting gifts for birthdays

We're only close to halfway through the year, so this is definitely too early to say. But I think there's so much to look forward to next year... Hopefully things that happen are good ones. All of it..

Ticket sales for Coldplay are out on 19th May!! Lighters are flickering in the pockets. But then again..

Cheers.

8.17pm

Too Busy, You're Writing Your Tragedy

2006-05-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

8pm
Radio = Frou Frou - Let Go

I've been meaning to write since a couple of days ago but work has really gained a huge load the past week. And it's only now where I've found some time.

May 5th was grandpa's passing anniversary. 7 years seem like a long way but for that particular day. I could never forget that date. Anyway apart from that, I had work at 3pm that day. And that was the start...of head spins and double visions. Duty ended at 11pm. But no relief yet. Had another coming later at 4am. Right, off to bed..at work. I don't think I ever slept then. It felt as if the alarm rang as when the time I was setting it. 3am - red puffy eyes. The second duty finished at 1pm. That done, I headed home and was looking forward to a nice long sleep. 6.38pm - I received a call from the guys. Recall!! I just couldn't believe my ears. What the fuck!!! I should have had that thought if I hadn't say it out loud. The third duty..started at 8pm right till the wee hours of the next, that was earlier today at 3am. And all these for the General Elections. All the drama, all the saga...for my suffering. In all, work cost me 24 hours++. Excellent.

I had watched The Spanish Apartment and Garden State recently. I kinda got into them. That bittersweet feeling. I realised movies that gets my attention are those that play a real story. Telling issues that we face daily. Nothing of those fictional fantasy stories really matter. They don't last in mind. Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised when I heard Radiohead's No Surprises in Spanish Apartment and Coldplay's Don't Panic featuring in Garden State. The latter's movie soundtrack is excellent. I made some nice song discoveries. Frou Frou's Let Go is a gem. On first hearing, I'd have put my money on KT Tunstall being the singer cos they sound so similar.

Interestingly after watching Garden State, I don't ever remember watching another movie with an unspelt ending where I'm genuinely satisfied. That's a first for a movie. At the end, the guy asks the girl ''What do we do?" and he just smiles at her and then they stare at each other...

On a personal matter, things haven't been any different. I haven't got anything new. And Im searching..still. Whatever or whoever and wherever it is. Maybe some things are better left unsaid and unwritten. The best person to understand and explain are perhaps ourselves.. ?? ..

Oh yes lastly about the thing I was talking about recently and hadn't mentioned, last heard Peterpan will be coming this June to perform a gig at Hard Rock. [..thanks Farina.] And get this, Coldplay are scheduled to play here again on July 10th! Tickets details are not out yet. I'll be staying tune..

[P/S] By the way, Ms Sandy Erin you'll be fine. A friend in need's a friend indeed.

10.03pm

Tak Bisakah

2006-04-27T03:18:00.000-07:00

12.51am
Radio: Peterpan - Tak Bisakah

Do we make things complicated or are things complicated as they are? Im sure if I'd ever find the answers, they're sure to be just as twisted.

Lately Im trying not to think too deep or dwell too much into matters that works the brain into overtime. Been working towards easiness and simplicity, for though satisfaction won't probably be felt as much compared to say being an opportunist living on the edge, I think I'll have more control over stability. This however might require a genuine effort. There could be every opportunity towards finding a certain peace. And I'd like to think that this peace will be the compensation for the lack of adventure.

There's less anxiety for communication recently. No anticipation. Though thoughts are still there, motivation lacks. I don't know if this is for the best and Im in no rush to find out..

Was told by Farina there's an event coming up in a couple of months. And I could be given an access..? Kewl kewl. Not ready to spill the beans out of the can yet but this is something Im definitely looking forward to..if news rings true. Hopefully. I might have just found myself a new found interest. Just coinciding with what Farina's doing, Im thinking of taking up a new activity soon once there's enough cash. I don't wanna be calling it a hobby cos it sounds old..and a little 'childish'... Right. Her interest relative to mine, I see a possible future working partnership. Chucks. Somehow the future seems exciting now.

My... Im so useless with computers and their applications. I am like the consumers' consumers. Earlier, tried to load a video into the post. I thought it was gonna be easy but I never thought it'd be that complicated. And I got lost in translation. I should have stopped at that but no, I had to be a burden and call upon Mar's assistance. And for all her efficient efforts, in the end I decided to stick to the old layout. Hmmm this sounds familiar..

The minute I realised how complicated it was going to be writing posts in future with the new template, I aborted. So yes it was a waste of Mar's time. Im sure I would have been murdered had it been Ain's.. So sorry Mar. I thank you for your patience of answering all my idiotic 'duh' questions. For a few other helpful explanations, I salute you.. Alright I think that's enough.

My liking for this band has steadily grown since the first time I heard them. But adoration has further soared with their latest offering. The music video is nice. And Im smitten with the girl in the clip..

video

If the guy does get the girl in the movie, can I get myself one. [just like her..?] Tak bisakah..

3.16am

I Wish Wish Wish

2006-04-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

3.25pm

Was on my way to friday prayers earlier. Something stupid happened. I got up the wrong bus. Bah! It was a critical mistake. There was no way I could have gone down the next stop and taken the right bus. This one hit the expressway immediately!! Ended in Toa Payoh and I haven't got anything to do there. Fuck. How could I have not known and be so careless. One bad trip. So silly..

Got a barking from dad couple of days back. It was regarding some tax filing issues. I've never really paid much attention to them until then.. I think it's time I got concerned over certain stuffs..like taxes, CPF contributions and nominations and insurances just to begin with. I don't even know if I've made any CPF nominations yet. Somehow I wished I never had to be an adult tied with responsibilities. They just seem to grow with you.

I could say I've never really got to enjoy the salary. There's just no satisfaction. That determination I used to have, saving up for those Star Wars/Spawn figures and comics. How I would spend it all without giving much hoot of how much they'd cost me. It was ruthless. I wonder where it's gone to. These days, it's hard to get on with purchases without ever having to bite my lip. Have I gone all scrooge as some may think?? If only they understood. I don't think I have. Times have changed and so the circumstances. I just wanna be spending without having the guilt after. It's got to get better.

It's been real quiet lately. I wonder where everyone's gone to..

4.59pm

I Didn't Know That This Was Such A Problem

2006-04-14T03:55:00.000-07:00

1.20am
Radio = Shout Out Louds - Wish I Was Dead

Met Nazie in person for the first time on Wednesday right after work. Funny how the old nervy feeling of first time meet-ups was gone. Don't recall having any butterflies in my stomach. If there were, they were perhaps busy feeding on the roti john and kit kat I had for dinner. I guess you kinda overcome that fear of virgin meet-ups as you get older. It's like heck! I've done this before and I've got nothing to lose.. well maybe the life if she turned out to be some psychotic date killer. But I wouldn't really call yesterday's a date though. It was more of a "hey - nice to meet you at the mrt station, let's go home now and goodbye". Now that's a first.. And she reminded me of Sya. Nothing to do with characters or looks, just the physique. Bah! How do they grow? What food are parents feeding their childs these days?? I feel old just saying that.. Anyway the impression I got of Ms Nazie? Cold. Could be the due to the jitters..perhaps. It's normal for people to raise their guards and be real frosty when meeting strangers. Either that they turn into idiots while trying too hard to be smooth. But I genuinely think that the case with Nazie, she'll only be a little friendlier when you get to know her better. There were times when I saw the lighter side of her.

Earlier, me and Sam Wise Gam-gee went out. Set out to get myself the ipod travel charger that I urgently had to have once I realised that the ipod battery had a quick life span, all too short for my liking. For $18 I guess it's reasonable enough. I got Athlete's album: Tourist, finally after some time. How I didn't buy it earlier I'll never know cos it's just one great album. Real lovely set of songs. I never thought they'd be melancholic as this. A definite step up from their previous effort. Anyone who likes Coldplay, will love Athlete. I have. As much as I'd love to write a review of the songs, I realised that I'll suck at that. So just go and listen already.

Anyways later while we were at Marina for Sammy's rollerblades survey, I saw Nazie again. Of cos I almost forgot that she was working there. It's funny how we seemed to see each other at the same moment then. Talk about impeccable timing. She appeared to be slacking on the job. But then there were no customers, so.. Still I didn't think advancing in and talking would have been a wise thing to do. Therefore with a smile of acknowledgement, I walked on.. Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I do. Courage under fire. What can I say, shoot me an arrow and tell me where you want the target to be.

Earlier in the day before meeting Sammy, had a pleasant conversation with someone whom I thought I'd have difficulty talking to again. Surprise surprise. It wasn't that hard. And I don't know why there's an unexplained feeling of excitement building eversince, like butterflies in the stomach. I sense hope. At the same time, I sense problems in the making. Or am I just senselessly sensing too much.. all the things that may never even happen in the first place. Fuck.

Time 3.47am. This isn't gonna help the dark rings. Enough thinking, more sleep.

3.49am

We Always Seem To Need The Help Of Someone Else To Mend That Shelf

2006-04-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

11.39am

Just got a call from Lucy the other night. Trip to phuket has been called off. And to add salt to injury, yesterday she called and said that we were going afterall. I didn't think things will change again then but it did.. Only a couple of hours back, received news that it's postphoned. Al's mum is down with stroke. With the seriousness of it all, I definitely think the trip is off or let's say postphoned just to soften the blow. Hope the situation with Al's mum isn't serious and that she'll have a steady recovery.

Im really bumped. Don't have the slightest of ideas where to go or what to do now. Hate to be thinking that Im gonna be slaving away for the rest of the year.

If I were to be positive about it, perhaps now I can start saving for that new camera. Sya's friend had mentioned about letting her 'Lomo' type of camera [I think] go at a bargain $200-$300...so Sya claimed. And I have been doing some mini researching of cameras recently. What can I say, guess 'it's gotten me. I don't see any other cameras that has got me smitten as much as Casio's Exilim has. Damn that Zamry! The new EX Zoom and Card series are so delicious. Most expensive comes in around the region of $799. That's hefty. But you never know. I can be crazily impulsive sometimes, to fall over something and stop at nothing to get it.

But then again, there's never been the guarantee you'll get the things you want. Even when it seems that the deal's sealed and done, you tend to get thrown off course every once in a while. And when that happens, you begin to wonder if it's for the best, that better things will come your way or simply, you had your chance and you blew it. Im in the matter now. I can't tell if it's done and dusted or if it works in cycles, but with the latter at least I'd be glad knowing that time is on my side. Knowing me, I just hope that history won't repeat itself. Growing more distant and soon forgetting everything about whatever it was. Sometimes I wonder if Im at odds with fate or life's best parts of things.

Like a crack in a wall; starting small and grow in time

Sya's left for KL yesterday night. I wished I could have gone with her. But then again I guess it would have been a little awkward with her friends around. And that is the reason why of late I've been hoping to crack the 'sister's friends' market. Haha.. For some strange reasons, I feel that things around home is gonna be quieter these couple of days when Sya's gone. The lively loud person she is..

12.16pm

Some Things In Life May Change And Some Things Stay The Same

2006-04-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

1.23pm
Radio = Damien Rice - Older Chests

A lot has happened the past week. Nothing drastic, just events taking place. For once I experienced disappointment. Something that has never been felt for a while. I hated the feeling. 3 weeks of dedicated Streetcraft training finally revealed it's outcome. The team came in 4th. ..As Im typing this, I wished I had a gun right now. Not to shoot myself, but the noisy crows outside my window.. Anyways, I never expected I'd see people who I never thought would cry in public do just so. It must have meant that much to them. It had to be the passion to win cos I don't think I would have ever shouted that loud or performed the way I did during the unarmed tactics demonstration in the earlier rounds. A real adrenalin pumping experience. They said our performance was outstanding. Think trainers were pleasantly surprised of me in particular. So was I. I admit I held back during training. But that was perhaps just saving the best for last a. I was silently confident that we'd get at least a 3rd placing cos that was where we were coming into the last segment of the competition. Commander's moment of consoling the team was forgettable. It felt more of pity than trying to empathize. I'll never forget those faces of dejection. We gave our all to succeed. Guess God didn't have that in his plans. Later I made my way out to rush for Damien Rice's concert. As I left the team, I remember thinking to myself whether I'll ever see them again. Different teams and work schedules. Faces that were alien at the beginning and now all so familiar to me. Im missing them already.

It was a mad rush for the concert. Took a taxi from work to City Hall. The cabbie earned himself the remaining change of $4. The bollock didn't have small change and I was in no position to dillydally. After meeting up with Sya, Imran and Marlina [the awkward group], we walked to Suntec. I wanted to run but Sya thought it was ridiculous and so throughout the journey, it was like Big Walk in the Olympics. Come to think of it, I don't know which one would have made us look like clowns. Mad running in our fashionably dressed clothes, then reaching the place covered in melted mascaras and liners and sweat..Imagine our state. Or Big walking that in fact cramped my butts [it did!] and then arriving there late and denied entry. Just something to talk about.

Alas, we reached with some buffer time. As we entered the theatre, I saw the stage. It was smoky filled with candelabras. Instantly, I knew this was going to be an intimate soulful concert. Our central seatings were better than expected actually. And more unexpectedly was the way Damien Rice made his entry. Like a soundman, he walked nonchalantly into the stage and forward to the mic. The moment he open strummed his guitar into The Professor's tune, everyone hushed. The silence was calm, guitar plucks and strums so clean and clear. What struck me most was Damien Rice's vocals. They were tight and polished. Never once throughout all the songs did he fail to reach those seemingly unreachable high notes or control the tricky low ones. I was very impressed by his guitarsmanship. His close crowd interaction, stage antics and down to earth artiste behaviour were also delightful. Obliging to song requests without much hesitation only endeared himself to the crowd. The charmer. It was obvious, he had everyone warmed up to him..well maybe except for the guy sitting next to me. Slouching on his seat, he didn't seem to be enjoying the show. I don't recall hearing any laughs from him whenever Damien cracked a joke or silly explanation. His coughs was the only thing that reminded me of his presence. There was something about his stoic attitude that I found very irritating. And did I mention he had bad breath too? Pity the girl who was with him.

I didn't take any pictures. Sya had easily left the camera at home and Marlina's camera couldn't take the dark environment even with flash. What of Imran? He didn't even bring his MD to start with! So what more of camera. Bah! That just strengthens my need for a new and better camera. Through my sorry handphone recordings, I calculated D.R played about 17 songs. Each and every one different but similar in how they pulled the emotions with such ease. Cannonball, Cold Water, Unplayed Piano, I Remember, Volcano, Eskimo and The Blower's Daughter just the few to name. Actually Im doing the rest of the songs injustice by naming the earlier ones cos they were all so f**king good. What was more amazing was that they sounded better live! The only thing that was sorely missing was Lisa Hannigan's angelic voice echoing through. Still, D.R showed he could hold a performance together on his own. Kudos to him. By the time it ended, I was left wanting for more of him. If I could, I would have had him play all night until I got tired of him..Like any of those could happen. Watching D.R was a bittersweet experience. He was real. And that was what made him outstanding. And so it is.. just like I thought it'd be. Damien Rice was brilliant.

If I hadn't realised how brilliant an album this is,
I would have now.

One for the soul searchers

A pity Lisa Hannigan didn't come.

Lately, I've been thinking about Ms Sandy. Whether I should do anything to change the situation between us. I don't know why but perhaps there's the fear of losing her to someone else and then Im left with hundreds of questions of what ifs. I've had those things happening to me so many times. I know that wouldn't be justifying any of the actions I could take to change things, but I worry. Im just uncertain of what I want right now. But I do wanna know how things will be like if we ever make it. And that could just be the motivator..

On the financial side of things, it is not looking too good. Heard from sis that the business is not doing well lately. Dad's general bills and debts are accumulating. I hope that this is not a curse or anything like that cos rarely have we had any riches to enjoy. I am thankful for what we have but I wished we never had to worry too much about finances to enjoy life. I just hope and pray things will turn for the better God permits. And I've decided that Im gonna start putting aside $50 -$100 each month apart from savings starting April onwards. My personal piggy. See how it grows..just like I used to do. Save it for rainy days or whatever. Hope this works.

Oh yes, just for another change, I've decided to experiment with a smaller and different font for the writings.

It's 5.10pm?? I think Im gonna do something else now. Not that I can think of what to do next..

Cheers and love.

5.16pm

To Lose Myself With Friends [I'm Nowhere Without You]

2006-03-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

9.20pm

Was at Ngee Ann City last Thursday to catch Placebo...on a screen. As if they knew, the time I reached, the band started playing Every Me Every You! Love the song. Still it was a suck-ey feeling, watching them on "TV" knowing the fact that they were playing live right there, just next to where I was. The stupid exclusive "invitations" only.. The band had might as well just held a concert since they were there.

I missed [again] the Squad Team's outing on Saturday. I got the fever. So Saturday sucked. And so did today. This 'staying at home' thingy has really become a disease for me.. Tomorrow, it's back to work. When your working office hours, it's feels like your weekends past so quickly. But Im kinda looking forward to the final stretch. 3 more days of office hours followed by the competition, Damien Rice concert and then two off days to cap off the week. That's good enough. Things should start to look up hopefully by next weekend.

Just saw Coldplay's new video: The Hardest Part. It was not what I had hoped it'd turn out to be. Disappointment. I wished it was more graphical and scenic. Surely they could have come up with something better than a static video showing two ''clowns'' doing nothing more than a rather pathetic dance routine. And that didn't make sense at all. That accompanied by the band's forgetful stage performance. It was like a scene right out from the movie 'That Thing You Do', the part when the band were acting and performed by the beach. Don't know why but Coldplay videos are getting crappier. Not since The Scientist video has any captured much emotions. That was a masterpiece. Just hope the band hasn't lost it..

Come this May, I could be a tourist. Gotta think, decide and come up with an answer..soon. I hope I think I know.

10.07pm

We Cannot Save Ourselves Alone

2006-03-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

9.01pm

Today marked the second week of office hours Streetcraft training. Somehow lately feels like days have been passing all too quickly. Handphone's been rather quiet. That's pathetic considering that I have an all day incoming free line and 500 free SMS. Last night I had one of those dreams I wished I didn't have. Oh no it's not that bad, it's just the feeling after waking up and realising it was just that, that I hate. Ever had a dream where the person that you have or had a crush on featured? Well I had one of those. It felt surreal looking at her. God must be so free to ignore my wishes and play pranks on me instead.. Or maybe it's a sign? See she was with another while I had company myself. Right, move along son..

Met up with Sam Wise Gam Gee - Imran, last Saturday at City hall. Was a nice 'outing' I must say. There's no longer much free time for meetings with old pals these days so much that you make the most of [or scrape] whatever opportunities that comes along. Geesh am Im living a sad life.. Anyways we went window shopping together [how romantic]. Im got himself cargo pants. They were nice. I would have bought them myself if he hadn't. Didn't have anything in mind but thanks to Im and an all too easy swaying heart, I bought myself a pair of utility pants. Talk about being impulsive! Well at least I paid $10 less than the original price of $43. They had this half price for a second pair offer. So I would and should have actually saved more but of cos that was never gonna happen with Imran in the equation.. Well if I were to be honest, I might just have done the same! Haha. Later we had a real good 'Central Perk' FRIEND-esque time siiting and talking at Starbucks. I've always loved doing that. It's always brought that nice relaxed feeling. And so it was, conversation of hopes and fears..

While we living, the dreams we have as children fade away??

Now I've got an extra thing to look forward to besides the upcoming Damien Rice gig.. Im's invited me to come along with his friends' trip to KL. Well it was more a case of me inviting myself. Heck that.. I need a trip to break from work! So we'll see..guess it's pretty much confirmed I'll tag unless whatever...

Silence is easy

It's been some days.. where are thou Ms Sandy??

10 more days to Damien Rice and the Streetcraft Competition. 3 more days to performance bonus. That's a kewl $700/- into the coffers. Sometimes I wonder why I even complain about work..

10.06pm

I'm Counting Up The Cost Of Time

2006-03-17T02:15:00.000-08:00

12.19am
Radio = Athlete - Tourist

Feeling a sense of paranoia creeping in lately.. Knowing, seeing and meeting people. Mini disappearance or break. Re-contact and what do you have.. Things can change so quickly. A couple of years? Well maybe not that quickly.. But what's fact is that situations change. They evolve. Nothing remains static well.. except for me perhaps. Recently just found out two gal friends have found partners. Do the venuses or most really can't live without their opposite counterparts just for a fraction of their lives? Or is this me being jealous without realising it? Or is this like I said, being paranoid of dying alone. The fact that this year Im adding one to the number that Michael Jordan made famous, as a reflection of age adds fuel to paranoia. I could be Jude Law in that movie: Alfie. The guy who goes round seducing and womanising and who in the end ends up with none. For all I know, I could be that guy! However it'd be a joke if I said I was examplary in actions. Im no romeo or casanova. Never tried to be one. Never will. Im not that person. But sometimes, I do wished I was. Me getting to know them gals were of cos however strokes of fortune [and genius?]. Just that it's depressing realising now you're not doing too well when you used to think you were fine. So anyway, should I be pressing that panic button already? Or like Sya, just one of the many said, to let time run it's course and come what may..

I feel like nothing ever will..

Some good news at least, thanks to Imran. What will I do without you, Sam Wise Gam-Gee..
Damien Rice is coming this 30th March 2006. Honestly I never thought he would, ever. I remembered Imran saying how great it'd be if the guy came..something along that line I think. Then I was like 'Yeah dream on.." And now Im's got his wish. Real big surprise. And later in the morning, Im's gonna go get the tics.. This time we're going all out for the positions, thanks to Sya's none-bending confident advise. Ficklety lost. I am real excited for this one. Still, $300 IS hard to part with...

I will bring you stories and blurry eyed photos..

Sya's just came back from the Kings Of Convenience concert. She's starstruck alright. Just like I was with Oasis. I'd have like to chat and ask for details, but Im getting sleepy already. And Im thinking there's always tomorrow for that..

2.05am

People Believe That They're Gonna Get Away For The Summer

2006-03-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

7pm.

Today was a real waste of a day. Got recalled to work early in the morning for some stupid activation exercise. All we did then were to check our training equipments. Later I got picked to be the so called model and don the whole training attire for the trainers' assessment. Talk about being "lucky". But luckily those dude-ish friends of mine were around to assist..well thinking about it, they did most of the job putting and attaching those hot uncomfortable toys on me. Right, so...what's there to complain you say a?

Had planned to meet up with Ms Sandy after that, again it didn't materialise. Lately that has been the case and I don't know why. Somehow today, it didn't felt right. Surprisingly so when that was how I felt.. And I don't know who's getting lazier by the day; she or me. Im thinking the latter. I am however excited at the thought of what she's venturing, or in her own words; got herself into. If what I gathered is true, a friend of her's is starting this modelling project which I feel has a good job prospect, for Sandy. Well don't get the wrong idea, Sandy isn't gonna be a model..[she doesn't have the cut to be! Winkeys. Haha well Im sure she does.] She's gonna be like a scout, searching through the streets of Orchard and beyond for good potentials. How kewl is that? I wanna be a scout too! I've got a couple of faces in mind. Oh and I wished I was good at photography too..I'd like to think I'd make a great photographer if I had the skills! Heard the project is looking around for photographer[s]. Until things unfold, I'll leave it at that.

Well I was just looking through the gals' blogs, and I found three things.

1) I realised I've missed so much of the groups outings. The many pictures that they took really missed me. Or was I missing from them..? Which ever way, Im not in them! Blame WORK. Suddenly Im looking forward to the next outing.. They say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

2) The clip. Imran buddy... Im sorry..but you suck at shee-shaa-ing!! Can you be more "natural"?? Really bewildering!

3) Ain's damnning of an innocent camera named 'Olympus' belonging to... ME! Arrrhh..how could you?? So mean! If I may put in the exact words she said:

"So the 2 exilim and 1 lumix had to stay in the boot while the pekak nak mampos nyer olympus got to go in... But sadly, the pekak nak mampos nyer olympus memang tak guna nak mampos... Satu gambar pun tak dapat..."

Ouch!! Leave the Olympus alone now missy..! Don't blame it.. when you didn't wanna bring in your's in the first place. Bleurgh!! But I have to agree on one thing tho'.. the camera IS 'pekak'.. Haha! Outdated abilities to put it in a more nicer way. But pekak nak mampos?? C'mon..don't say that. You'll hurt Olym. I still treasure the camera. Like I said, it's been a good servant. Wait till I get a new one then you know.. All of you critics! You know who you are

I really truly madly deeply feel that I could use a holiday right now. So tired of the current. The way things are right now.. sigh. I wished I knew of someone who feels the same way I do. Then I'd get to share this downer of a feeling... Friends are already mentioning of their upcoming travel ventures. Words keep ringing in my ears..sickening! I know a colleague who's planning for Phuket. Even the 'Squad Team' are planning on Bangkok..Or is it Phuket?? Suddenly that sounds so very appealing to me..

I need to get away for the summer man.. But hey, when's summer??

8.25pm

Where Were You While We Were Getting High??

2006-03-06T22:05:00.000-08:00

8.01pm
Radio = Oasis - Champagne Supernova

Finally, here's an update. Lately it's been real tough getting some time off. Work's been hell busy. Can't get no leaves.. And things just don't seem to look good in the future. Im on office hours again starting 13th till end of month. SHIT

DND went and passed like it was nothing. Wasn't the fireworks that I was hoping for, not many opportunities for socialising and so didn't got much pictures. Nice ones. Anyways on the hindsight, I am getting luckier with the event's lucky draw prizes. Second year running, I won something. The 27th prize. Ticket got me a gold class movie screening for 2 at GV Grand cinema. How kewl! After DND, we hit off to Momo. Got in for free cos a friend had close connections there..excellent! Initially sat ourselves at the live band corner. That was a blast. The band played really nice music. Even hearing a bon jovi song felt good. And of cos they had played an excellent cover of Bic Runga's Sway before that.. Was totally immersed in the song. Later when everyone was warmed, we got to the dance floor. It was jammed. Real intensity, everyone seemed to have a good time..well almost all. It was alright for me, somehow I didn't really feel the atmosphere as I thought I would. So that was it for the day, to sum it up, it was a disappointment.

The day was Feb 23rd 2006. A day I'll never forget for I saw Oasis for the first and probably last time ever in life. I remember my heart pumping when the gates opened for entry, I've never felt so excited. This totally overwhelmed me more than the previous live concert when Coldplay n Travis hit town. At the security counter, I was silently anxious..not for the concert but security reasons. I had slipped my digi cam at my back pocket. Then the Indian security called with his loud commanding voice. He was intimidating and I gulped. Haha. As he stroked his hands across my body..; well this sounds too erotic when I put it into words! He had every area checked but the bottom half of my back..phewww! I swore thinking then he had me. As nervous as I was, I probably didnt show it cos he let me go without much of a hassle. So together with the rest of the guys who didn't have to go through the mini trauma I endured, we walked into this huge galleria where Oasis were gonna play to thousands later. It was good that we had came early tho' not as early as some, cos it got pretty packed by the time we had found our comfort standings. Before that, what I saw was the back of an irritatingly tall bloke's head. And yes he was huge as well. So he pretty much covered my view. I had to do something.. There was this group of eurasian girls next to me standing in circles, engrossed in conversation. Me and Zam saw the chance and took our spots (well their's actually!) without a scratch... Haha! Finders keepers, losers suck! But anyway, both of us were later on a peace treaty with a couple of the girls from that group. Partied and sang together in unity..it was madness! The group had a bet on what song Oasis were gonna start the concert with. I had my money on F***in' In The Bushes. Later Oasis started with that.. The crowd got crazy as soon as the song aired. When we saw noel and then liam and then the rest of the band walk into stage... I just can't describe the feeling. No words can ever explain it. And anyway it will be a cliche if Im gonna start saying those feelings. To put it simply.. if you were there, you'd know what I mean.

Digi cam failed me. Everytime I snapped a picture, I'd get a blurry result. The Olympus has aged..though it's been a good servant. Perhaps it's time to get a new camera. An 'Exilim'..?? But anyways behind all the disappointment, on a positive note, I think I probably got to enjoy Oasis 100%. Highlights were when they played old hits like Wonderwall, Don't Look back in Anger, Live Forever, Acquiesce and my fav. for the day, Champagne Supernova. It felt surreal hearing and seeing Liam and Noel belting songs that have become cult status to the faithful. I'll never forget Feb 23rd 2006.

From L - R. Is, Ain, Zam, Rai, Im and Me

Peace 'N' F*** Off

These amazing pictures below were taken by a friend of a friend's. I hate her.

A View Forever Etched In Mind

As we slowly walked down the hall.. Faster than a cannonball.. I couldn't think... This was it. I was gonna catch Oasis, live...

So... Where were you while we were getting high??

10.02pm

Maybe You're Gonna Be The One That Saves Me

2006-02-14T12:42:00.000-08:00

11.40pm
Radio = Ryan Adams - Wonderwall

I've never really anticipated the coming of Valentine's. So when a friend asked if I had a date for the particular occasion, I didn't really know how to answer. He seemed really excited about it, so I didn't wanna dampen the spirits. Came up with something like 'oh I don't have a date yet..' which in truth was the case..sigh. But then again as I've said, I've never been one to celebrate the day. Let's just say the timings of past so called relationships have never been good. Paths have never crossed. Anyway, he kept on questioning how and why I didn't have one and repeatedly reminded that the day's coming soon and I should start ''firing my arrows" [to put what he said] away sooner. I was beginning to wonder if he was more excited for me to get a date than I was actually finding one. But as it's always been on the past, I'll pass..

I am however looking forward to the Oasis concert. I think Im gonna go cookoos that day.. 9 days away and I can't believe it. Don't believe the truth? And yes then there's work's dinner and dance coming up in 3 days time. Have come up with a few ideas for the turnout and more or less I think I've gotten the ideal combination. Im just worried about me. Fickle.

Payday for the month threw a real nice surprise. Got a kewl $200/- extra in my coffers. Realised that it came from the converted leaves balance that weren't consumed last year. Excellent stuff.

Ms Sandy told me she's becoming a real fan of Coldplay's. Let's say that Im the instrumental figure behind it.. [Chucks] Great, another victim of mine! Talk of 'Talk'. I think she fell in love with the song. Contrasting moods. Where have all the days gone? Where making fun of Coldplay lyrics were a pleasure... And these days who's listening to the band itself?? No prizes for guessing...why it's Ms Sandy! [applause-applause] Welcome to the camp. But is this for real though?? It'd better be.. cos otherwise those CDs of the band will never reach her hands.
I saw pictures that were recently posted by her.. loved it. Nice. Hoping to be meeting her soon. It's been sometime..

Should I..? Should I not..?

12.42pm

I'm Sure You've Heard It All Before

2006-02-08T17:10:00.000-08:00

4.11pm
Radio = Oasis - Wonderwall

First entry of the month. It's been awhile.. Been real busy at work. Word W.O.R.K spells downer these days.

Is it just us, humans and our nature? How we slander each other time and again. We bring one up today, and bombard them with critics the next. All the while picking at their unsuspecting backs. Why do we do the things that we do? It's like second to nature. It's there..happens everywhere. And we just can't afford not to. One way or another, no matter how big or little the contribution is, we just ramble on about others. No matter how we deny having 'Hypocrite' as one of our character traits, I think we all are it. It's just the measure of being it. Me and you, our best friends, galfriends, boyfriends, mums, dads, sisters and brothers.. we ALL are guilty. Why? Feel good factor. Do we actually feel better about ourselves after..? Perhaps. Indirectly by doing so we secretly hope to elevate our level of status while at the same time bring the other's down within the community of so called 'friends'. Wanting others to see us as the one. Mr/Miss Popular. But ask ourselves, just what do we actually get from it? These feelings of momentary pleasure never really last. The next would be of guilt. And then suddenly you realised that what you've given, you've got. Now you're the talk of town. And then this leads to anger. Anger leads to suffering.. [Ok beginning to sound like Master Yoda now..] People just talk.. and there is nothing anyone can do to stop that. Bitching, it's a legal non-lethal drug. It's something we need in our lives without ever dying from it. But I guess, Im gonna try to cut down my intake..

So now.. how much do we trust then???

5.07pm

All The Roads We Have To Walk Are Winding

2006-01-27T22:00:00.000-08:00

9.14pm

Course finally ended today. The past 3 weeks have been a somewhat bittersweet experience. Torturous feeling of having to wake up every single day and having to ride on the bus almost 24-7 is over. But as much as I've been complaining and saying how much Im looking forward to working days in shift, have to admit that Im silently dreading going back to normal routine. Surely meeting and dealing with those bollocks of MOP has got to be worse than having to wake up every morning and go to work and undergo a course where you're not under any significant stress; well apart from undergoing the gas chamber and CS spray confidence training that is..they were real monsters. Yesterday, the latter basically screwed the life out of me. Im still feeling the effects on my skin. Skin is pretty dry. I hope it's not gonna get any worse than that. No sunburns please. Definitely one of [apart from that 'only for guys' skin trimming process!] and if not the most painful physical experience I've ever had.

Will be back to working shift tomorrow night. Was supposed to have enjoyed the weekend, but got recalled. S*** had returned sonner than expected! And unfortunately, Im gonna miss the Squad Team's sentosa outing. Sorry lads, my hands are tied. Tomorrow is Rahim's birthday. [Gosh I think!] If I get this wrong Im gonna get slaughtered... Happy advance birthday dude

Stomach just cued me. Im gonna go grab dinner now..

9.57pm

I Don't Believe That Anybody Feels The Way I Do About You Now

2006-01-25T00:39:00.000-08:00

11.37pm
Radio = Oasis - Wonderwall

Two weeks have come and gone. Into the third and final week now. Don't know if I should be feeling glad or diillusioned when all this ends. I've never been a fan of office hours. They eat up most of your time. And waking up to every single morning for work is just not my cup of tea. The only two pluses : You work a shorter period of hours and the other being that you're entitled to look forward to the weekends. Im all for shift. But then again, thinking of dealing with those unreasonable scumbags and their petty ridiculous matters all over again is such a major turnoff. I really don't know how to approach this. While being away, so much is happening at work. Few colleagues have tendered their resignations. Shocking. But more importantly, how much is it gonna affect the rest unfortunately, inclusive of me..I'd say big big mess. Grants for work leave is very much gonna be tight lid. At most one per shift? And that is not good..

Alrite, I have finally gotten the Ipod! It was a lil hard parting with the hard earned cash initially but once I had it, all doubts were forgotten. And now Im loving every moment of it. Definitely has got to be one of the best purchases I've made. Real class.

Talked to a friend yesterday. Topic - relationships..work along that line. And as we got on talking, I realised I was being ridiculed by remarks. I was suddenly in the firing line and I got judged! Though I wasn't sure of how genuine his remarks were, I was generally pissed. I didn't really show it but somehow rather he must have known anyway. Hate it when people judge especially when it's you on the receiving end. It's even more frustrating when you realise later that perhaps they're right and close to the truth. Reality bites.. My friend? We're still kewl.

Countdown to total euphoria now stands at 29 days away.

Psyching myself up for tomorrow's training. Into the gas chambers.. Poor skin's gonna burn. This is going to be nasty..

12.36am

It's All In My Head

2006-01-13T01:10:00.000-08:00

12.01am

Started the day meeting Jessy. Nouveau regard. Elle a paru jolie avec les cheveux longs. Only that familiar old face. Alas, so much to do, so little time.. But anyway it was nice seeing her and have those trademark aunty conversations again after some time..

Im undecided. Should I just get the Ipod without any company..or do I actually need one? Tried to get escorts earlier yesterday, but everyone was busy! That sucked. Money's ready, it's only a matter of when now. Guess it'll just have to wait.. Only worry now is that if I shift the priority of getting it onto a different thing. Guitar/Accessories etc perhaps??

I guess Singapore is a really really small country. Or perhaps the east of it. Spoke to Nazie and apparently she knows Fattah too!!?? Gosh. And we didn't discover it through that internet machine called Friendster.. Hmmmm. And I discovered she exercises...at night! Interesting. That's a first in the friends' list.

Yesterday was the 4th day of training. Was relatively more interesting compared to the previous days. It's been tired sleepy-eyes boring theory classes! But now we had drills and hands on applications. I realised Im more of a practical person.. The only downside was that we trained under the slightly heavy drizzling rain during the ending stages. And I didn't have my riot helmet on me.. Now, throat's not feeling alright. A little dry, a little hoarse. Feel a flu could be on the cards.

And now I think Im falling sick..

.....It's been a while since I saw Erin. Wonder how much fat she's put on now... See the bulge on stomach that she claims she has lately. Some sight it will be. Hehe

Alrite Im gonna have plenty of water now. Im expecting a sore throat later.

Im falling asleep. Turning in. Gotta wake for work later. Bollocks. Arrivederci..

1.07am

Open Up My Eager Eyes [I'm Mr Brightside]

2006-01-10T14:57:00.000-08:00

The Killers - I'd Kill For Their Fashion

1.48pm
The Killers - Mr Brightside

Today is Hari Raya Haji and dad's birthday. We'd get to have both celebrations. Kewl. Of late, I get the feeling that we're bonding closer than ever.. Is it? Or is it just me??

January will be a busy month.

Work. Currently on a 3 weeks office hours course. Really dreading it. Yesterday was the first. One down, 13 to go. But there is one thing to look forward to.. Payday! In 2 day's time. And Im inching ever closer to that elusive Ipod Nano. Come to papa! Oh I'll have you!..... Soon.

The past few days, it's been raining. It's nice to have cooler temperature around once a while. And I welcome the change of weather. And yes, it's that time for sweaters and pullovers..

Everything around is going on just the way they should. No surprises. Nothing to be excited about. And it's killing me. Boredom's a silent killer. And Im feeling pretty stale. Down.

Arrgh! God help me..

2.54pm

Why Don't We Ever Believe Ourselves

2006-01-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

2.32pm

Was looking thru' Ain's blog, and found this. Decided to give it a try. The things I discovered later were rather interesting.

1) The result. Some were near truth. How the heck they figured that out!?
2) Handwriting. I have bad handwriting. Gosh. A pale shadow of the old me with tiny neat penning. Well blame the mouse!

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance and symmetry.

You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.

You are affectionate, passionate, expressive and future-oriented.

You are not very reserved, impatient, self-confident and fond of action.

You enjoy your life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

Couple of hours to go before work. Dreading it already..

3.24pm

Worn Me Down To My Knees

2006-01-01T21:25:00.000-08:00

8.16pm
Rachel Yamagata - Worn me Down

What do you know, it's 2006! The past year's really came and gone that quick?? Time travels with the blink of an eye.

I didn't get much of a wink yesterday. Right after working the graveyard shift the night before, went to the stall to help mum out right till 2pm. And got me a haircut after that at Tampines. Went to sis's place then and got about 45mins worth of chicken sleep. Woken up at 5.3opm. Took the cab while it was raining. Perfect heavenly weather to be cuddling that bolster on bed. And it just had to happen to compound the misery. Traffic jam. Flow was terrible. Got to PIE and was stuck. When I finally past it, the reason for the jam? - Accident. On the opposite road direction! I can only blame those kay-poh drivers on my side of the road.. Got to work, and I heard CO wasn't happy that I was late. That caused me 12 extra hours docked off my hours claim record. Great

Work later that night was really really tiring. New Yr's Eve Duty at Orchard Rd..what's new? I should have been celebrating and not working.. It pisses me off seeing those happy happy people enjoying themselves. Was pissing on myself when I saw someone none other than a friend celebrating himself.. Standing on top of the open-top double deck bus, blowing on that irritatingly noisy party horn, cheering on the crowd below. That must have been fun. F***!! A friend of sya's said: 'who works on new year's eve!' Bah! Painful statement to swallow.. Anyway I could barely walk.

Palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy..

That hell of a duty ended at 5am. I got home at 5.45am. Talk about a hard day's night.. And I've been working like a dog.. [??!!] Truth be said. But on another meaning... Damn The Beatles!

Welcoming the new year, I wish for more... I wish for luck. I wish for fortunes. I wish for health. I wish for happy happy moments. And yes, world peace.. I wish. I wish. I wish.

Happy New Year.

9.22pm

What We Could Be Dreaming Of

2005-12-24T15:01:00.000-08:00

24 Dec 05 - 1.10pm
Radio = The Perishers - Nothing Like You And I

Saturday. Last day of the long break before work. Sigh.. Wished I had another roll of it. I wouldn't say the past few days have been well spent. They've not been a waste either. At least I got to use them with purpose. Been helping out at parents' eating stall lately. Yes.. haven't mentioned about this yet. Mum and dad have opened an eating stall somewhere in Aljunied. I didn't really liked the idea of them venturing into this business. Risky. Plus it's tiring! Seeing mum cooking all the dishes...whoa!! Superwoman [la]. Anyway, it's been a week since they started, business sales have been encouraging. Im impressed. [which explains the reason why I've been helping out lately. tsk tsk tsk] The only problem they're having now are the resources. Lacking in manpower. [volunteers anyone?? walk-in applics are open now]. I've done my mini part this week. Sya will cover for next week. After that, I don't know. Hope things wil work out just fine then. And I really hope this business will be successful in the long run. God willing. What dreams may come..

Oh yes, I been meaning to mention this too. Just been forgetting things lately. Is that a sign of ageing?? Can't be, too early right? Alright.......

23 Feb 06. Remember this day for one of the biggest bands if not biggest are coming to town.. OASIS are coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo!! Excellent! Excellent!! Excellent!!! The band that influenced me to listen and worshipped the type of music genre are coming! F***ing unbelievable! [someone pinch me]. This is indeed a dream come true. Overdue. They were supposed to have long performed a couple of years back, but cancelled out at the very last minute. They had better Roll With It this time. And yes I've got the tics!! For S$100/-, I'll be cramping it out with thousands of other Oasis fans come the day. Free standing. Those swearings and screamings.. Classics - Wonderwall, Don't Look Back In Anger, Live Forever, Champagne Supernova, Stand By Me sing-a-longs.. Bring on the Cigarettes and Alcohol [minus the latter].. Can't hardly wait. Simply greatness. Oasis..! Oasis..! Oasis..!

"I hate hip hop. I f***ing hate that culture and Im sickened that it's taking over the whole world. It's everywhere. I wouldn't mind if the music was any good, but it's shit. Who's that one who's big in England? 50 Cent? Or is it 25 pence? And then there's f***ing Snoopy. Awful. I couldn't hum one of their tunes." - Noel Gallagher

Leave Politics To Politicians.

"Live 8 wasn't about raising money, it was to raise political awareness whatever that means. And there's Madonna, banging on about world poverty while wearing 20,000 pounds worth of diamonds. Now, how f***ing sick is that? Don't bang on to working class people about poor people when you're covered in f***ing diamonds. Bono and Chris Martin and Thom Yorke are like, 'hey there's a planet to be saved, man!' Well, someone's got to do it I suppose. I'd rather f***ing rock and roll, you know what I mean." - Noel Gallagher

Yes yes.. Whatever you say your highness.. A true Rock 'n' Roll Star.

Im really into comics. Or at least I was. Those superheroes: Spiderman, X-Men, Daredevil etc. got this little boy enticed then. Collecting those comics of cos in turn burned holes in my tight school pockets. My point is has anyone of us ever heard a real life human being superhero wannabe? Operating to save the world or country or community at least lets say. Well now I know of one. Happened to read an article in the papers. He calls himself by the name of Captain Jackson! He's been a superhero, keeping the streets of Jackson, Michigan US safe for the past 6 years! What makes it more interesting is that he doesn't work alone! He is joined by his 15-year old daughter a.k.a Crimefighter Girl and fiance a.k.a Queen of Hearts. Hahaha!! I don't believe this!! How kewl is that!? Having a crime fighting superhero watching over us in our daily lives. I wanna be one if I could! And just to update, the captain is now serving 6 months probation for drink-driving. I guess he was only human afterall. Kapow..! Poof..! Kapang..! Kapoosh..!

Some superhero quotes from Captain Jackson:

"I fill a gap between police and citizens."

"People actually come downtown to see us. They think , 'What a unique community to have its own superheroes."

"We are three of only five or six true superheroes on the planet. Most of the others are just comic book characters."

2.51pm

Alright, it's raining now. Looks like I won't be going anywhere today. Couch potato-ing, listen to some nice music, play on my guitar or call up some friends. Or I could play Championship Manager again... hmmmm. Chill-in. Cheers.

24 Dec 05 - 2.59pm

When You Know That You Just Don't Know

2005-12-19T23:52:00.000-08:00

19 Dec 05 - 9.50pm
Radio = Damien Rice - Cannonball

I've bought some time off work in the next few days, right up till Saturday. Kewl! Got myself leaves. I needed the break. Now Im pretty sure there'll be lots of plans for outings. And here I was supposed to have myself a good long rest before a hectic schedule at work arrives. 31 Dec- I'll be slugging it out in the streets, slaving myself to protect the community and maintaining all orders. Whatever. F***! While you, you and you, all you people are soaking in the atmosphere, summarising your years, coupling all the nice memories, and perhaps have the time of your life then, I'll be feeling otherwise. Embracing the end and anticipating the born of a new year come the day, I'll be cursing my luck..and praying for a better fortune in about 365 days' time. [Well I could be "sick" on the day can I? Haha..]

Here's to the comments. Cheers..

"They can come and go wherever they like. Wherever they are.. still the old friends are in my heart. Are they locked in yours too?" - *Guide Me. Give Me Your Strength.

Always. Not a single day goes [or a week at least!] without me missing them. Im a treasurer [la].

"You have the writing skills, love to read your thoughts." - *Guide Me. Give Me Your Strength.

Im flattered! As much as I'd like to think so, I feel that Im no picasso in writing. Amateur-ish. Wished I was better at it, then I'd be famous..! Well I can only improve. I think Im only expressing myself merely basing all writing materials on actual events. I tend to think that people generally take greater interest in non-fictional stuffs. I believe that the more you write, somewhow you'd be a better writer. Never mind the fact that you're new or a pro at it. And of cos, being the mellow and at times emotional person I am, I think perhaps it's easier for me to pour out the feelings! [on paper that is]

"Very interesting. Reminds me of my youthful days." - *Why Don't We Share Our Solitude?

Merci. Good to know that I made someone reflect on one's life. And I feel young now.

"Update! Update! Getting curious.. I shall wait for your next entry then.." - *Find Someone I Can't Stand To Live Without

Good source of motivation this.

"Dun leave out any juicy parts huh?!" - *Find Someone I Can't Stand To Live Without

No secrets. There was none! Sigh.. haha.

"I enjoyed reading some of your posts. I have a early symptoms of ovarion cancer site." - *Everyone Gotta Be Somewhere

Im left with a good feeling. Nice comment. Although Im not too sure of the latter. I can only think it was mentioned because of an assumption. Well it's not about that. Some other health issues. Im still praying that it's not serious.

"OMG...the emo u speaks. So how's the tv now? Is it up and running?" - *Try To Find Somebody Then You Die

As mentioned in my post recently, perhaps I am getting there if Im not already. Is that good or bad?? The TV is down and dead! Haha. Yup, it needs servicing. Luckily I can still use the SCV cables on dad's TV. *Winks*

"Good things comes to those who wait..Izzit? Y does it come so late. People around you get all the things they want; Y can't we? Have you ever ask yourself. Sometimes I feel life is unfair." - *Try To Find Somebody Then You Die

There is no real conviction when I say that good things comes to those who wait. Im just hoping it's true. And of cos, I believe life is unfair. There's so many examples to reflect this. One being simply the phrase: "Born with a silver spoon." Now think about that. Or...is it just us beings? - human nature. We think things are cos we choose to see it that way. [??] When things go against you, you think this... and that... And when everything goes well, I doubt that we're ever sincerely thankful for it. We just talk but never really show it in our daily actions. But then again, it's hard to practise what you say. Well nobody's perfect.

"Sometimes I wonder whether I can survive, be successful and achieve my dreams." - *Try To Find Somebody Then You Die

Hopes and Fears. I guess they come in a package. You've got to have fears before you can start hoping. All I can say is be positive of the future.

"Have you seen the orchard road at night? Yucky.. red and yellow. I love dhoby ghout area. With the stars and snowflakes. " - *It's More Than Just Words

The last time I went there, it was filled with bright coloured yellow lightings. I thought it looked nice and colourful. If there were indeed stars and snowflakes at Dhoby Ghout, then I'll have to see it. They'd make a pretty sight. Certainly.

"Check it out! Freinds or friends?" - *It's More Than Just Words

I'll have to go with Friends on this. Definite answer! Haha

"What do they say if a dream keeps recurring each time. N each time it's half finish." - *It's More Than Just Words

I really don't know about this cos I only know so much of dreams, its' individual meanings and all. And I don't know if we should really read into their meanings.. Tho' some stories I've heard through others regarding it are sometimes interesting.
And anyway, thanks for all the advise given in that particular comment. And Im always glad whenever I put a smile upon someone's else face.

"Santa dropping by to give u an Ipod Nano...Dream on..." - *I'm Seeing A Tunnel At The End Of All These Lights

I am still holding onto that dream. Haha. Who knows..? Dreams do come true...sometimes. Of cos for this one, I'd have to be crazy if I actually hoped that Santa would give me an Ipod. That's totally bull!

"Ur blog is superb." - *I'm Seeing A Tunnel At The End Of All These Lights

That's a huge compliment. Merci.

"So now u're an expert huh?" - *Taking A While Raising A Smile

I'm still learning and will still need your guidance around shi-fu. How could the student outclass the master.. Well maybe soon!

Danke for all comments made! I shall end this piece by quoting a quote from someone who got the quote from another. Simplicity explains best.

Human being is all about being human..

19 Dec 05 - 11.50pm

Taking A While Raising A Smile

2005-12-16T23:54:00.001-08:00

I never thought in a million years
you'd be mine. And now you have.

16 Dec 05 - 10.45pm
Radio = Travis - Afterglow

I've done it finally! Woohoo!! Blog's got a new look. After weeks of not trying hard enough, somehow today it just happened. I must have been sprinkled with magic dust. I was Albert Einstein for a moment. Experiments - Experiments. Hoping I'd get it right. And walaa.. Just when it seemed like mission impossible, I beat the odds. I made it kim-possible. Who'd have thought.. Me the idiot who has little knowledge of computers and then suddenly making a blog template? Whoa.. If someone had come out to me and said "right, you'll be making a blog template..", then he would have gotten a smackaroo! Big surprise. Simply magical! Kawa-bang-ga dude! Right, I should contain my excitement.. I know this is no big deal [but then again it's me!!], sister laid off any "ooh Im so impressed" remarks for the efforts. Said it's s.i.m.p.l.e. to do. It's that easy?? Here I was thinking "man you're a genius!" And then later all I got from her was a sarcastic pat on the back. Sheesh.
Anyways, a special thanks to Rai the [not so diva] friend. [chuckles]. If there is such a thing as blog gurus, then she's one of them. Appreciate the patience when others would have long gone AWOL on me - because of my seemingly dumb questions, computer text. I knew I was irritating. Vous amez mes gratitudes.. Merci Beaucoup!!

Went to Queensway shopping centre yesterday. I found a beauty.
Retail price as quoted by the salesman: S$179
Price bargained and agreed on: S$150

Didn't cost me a thing afterall. Zero. Cero. Null. See I was given a S$150 voucher. Courtesy of work. Surprised? I am. But great stuff this. Adidas Predator Pulse. Excellent free signing. Sadly these boots that were made for kicking didn't make a winning debut..on which by the way speaking of boots - that video for These Boots Were Made For Walking, who is that singer.. oh yes, Jessica vixen Simpson. Hot! Hot! Hot! Ggrrrrr..! Ok alright where was I.. right the boots. Earlier today played a match at St Wilfred's with colleagues against another department from work. We lost 2-1. But Im not sulking at all. In fact fully satisfied with the team's performance. Even more surprisingly, some of our gameplay was excellent at times. This freshie team has got potential. Im excited. And what of the boots performance? I shall reserve my judgement though I must say it feels good putting on it. Satisfactory at least as of now.

11.48pm

Body is aching. Eyes are heavy. Mind is tired. Brain is telling me to finish this and go to bed. Ok, signal is reached. Got to rest now, there's work [argh!!!!] tomorrow..

16 Dec 05 - 11.52pm

I'm Seeing A Tunnel At The End Of All These Lights

2005-12-14T03:47:00.000-08:00

----I thought it was cute----
So it got adopted
............And she adored it

14 Dec 05 - 12.31am
Radio = Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me

It's strange. The past few days, there's this urge to write-in each day. And it's pushing the mind into overdrive. I haven't got the slightest clue to where all this motivation is coming from. Perhaps its the down feeling, pushing the need to pen it down somewhere. Expression of words. For actions do not necessarily speak louder than words. It just confuses the intentions sometimes.

12 Dec. Met Erin. It was difficult letting the truth out to her. Didn't know how to start. Somehow the message got through anyway. It was awkward. I felt bad. Confidants had advised against the idea of leaking the truth to her. I saw their point. But still somehow rather I felt she had to know. Couldn't bear hiding the facts, giving the impression that everything was alright. It wasn't. So the truth was told. Disappointment. Anger. I saw it in her. It was fine. Emotions understood. Any person would have felt likewise. But overall she took it well.. I hope. I think. I know. I really hope she understands my situation too. I think I've made the right choice by telling. Promised no secrets. Weight lifted off shoulders, it feels a relief. And I know that in the end, the mood is all well in the camp. Any hard feelings should have been made known. Then, now and in future.

Anyways.. the belated birthday gift has been passed. Was a little worried of the reactions upon seeing the lil' fuzzy fella. Alas, I got a good feeling. Adoration all over. Thank you Indra ~ Sam-Wise Gamgee'. Again, you are a genious...sometimes.

I didn't do much at work yesterday. Deployed for security static duty. Sat in the whole day warming my bum. Though restlessness kicked in at some part of the day, the rain that came later eased all uneasyness. Soothing. Still at times I wished I had something to do. [Read: Human Behaviour. Never satisfied with anything. It's always less or more. This or that]. But I definitely had a good rest. No complaints about that. *Winks*

At home, me and mum are back on speaking terms. Now things appear back to normal.. on the surface at least. Still not too sure of what the heart feels, although she did briefly trash out on the matter in the morning before work. At least that was better. The way it was done.

I got my mind on something else..

Im not at ease, still. Though this time its not mainly on the topic that's often being discussed recently. It's about M.O.N.E.Y now. When will all these worries ever stop!!?? Sometimes I wonder. If I have a cursed luck..[??] Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? Not that I can recall now..

Even when the sun is shining, I can't avoid the lightning..

Family commitments are a burden. Really.. Arrrrggh I feel bad already saying it! [They're my FnB. If not me, who will?]. Ok so then in looking at it in another way, there are some good in it. It does mould you. I think it's made me into a more cautious person[??] speaking money term. More appreciative of the value of money itself these days. Perhaps a little more responsible with the way it's spent. But... Im desperately itching to get an IPOD Nano! Hopelessly devoted to the cause of it's purchase. Hmmmm we'll see how it goes. Who knows Santa might just drop by...

Listening to this song.. Reminds me of the good ol' days. A brilliant anthemic song. It was perhaps apart from Oasis the reason I picked up a guitar. Playing it at jam studios, acoustic sessions with the lads. Really missed those moments. Those were perhaps the best days of my life. Well..

Goodnight.

I can't sleep tonight
Everybody's saying everything is alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights
Sunny days
Where have you gone
I get the strangest feeling
You belong
Why does it always rain on me
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen
Why does it always rain on me
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by invisible men
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else
Sunny days
Where have you gone
I get the strangest feeling
You belong
Why does it always rain on me
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen
Why does it always rain on me
Even when the sun is shining I can't avoid the lightning
Where did the blue skies go
Why is it raining so
It's so cold

14 Dec 05 - 3.46am

Cold Water Surrounds Me

2005-12-12T03:50:00.000-08:00

12 Dec 05 - 2.32am
Radio = Damien Rice - Cold Water

Early Monday morning and I still can't bring myself to go to bed. It's just one of those days when you wish and wait for something exciting to happen and in the end nothing ever happens. I pretty much sat in and stared at the computer for most of Sunday. One long lazy day. No interesting people in MSN to chat up. F.R.I.E.N.D.S.T.E.R. is getting more mundane by the day. [f-r-I-E-n-d] And I just don't know what other websites to surf anymore. Anyway wrote a few songs with the acoustic. Some with added lyrics. Some songs I don't know if they'll sound better on an electric guitar. Those bits and pieces ideas, I hope they'll be completed soon. Pray the inspiration comes through. And of cos I hope the lads will like it. Because songs matter..

Manchester United Football Club. A fallen giant? No? Crumbling it must then. How they have lacked that extra bite, that extra drive in recent years. Certainly the glory days are behind it. I think they've really missed David Beckham. Those killer passes, crosses, supplies that he conjures up resulting in goals goals goals. Sigh. Saw the ManU Vs Everton game earlier. Match nothing short of entertain value. But the ManU players certainly lacked in hunger. Lack of quality - definitely. That showed during their embarassing last Champions League game exit. Im not one to be fried and licked but when the club performs the way they are currently, it's difficult trying to dodge your way past "missiles" thrown by those that anti-es the club. It is not the right time to be a fan of the club right now. Hmm I could go on forever talking.. Sports journalist next as a profession perhaps? Oh yes by the way the earlier game ended 1-1. Bollocks.

3.09am

Right. I feel the eyes. Getting sleepy. I think I'll go to bed soon. Will be meeting Erin later in the day. Lots of things to talk about and clarify. Honestly, I really am not sure how things will turn out..

Lord can you hear me now? Or am I lost?

Me and mum spoke. There's still that awkward icy feeling each time we exchange words. But at least we're talking. Things should get back to normal with days. Sure of that. We haven't clarified the matter though. As much as I want them to be trashed out, I don't know how to start it. How do I say it? It's never easy slow chatting with mum. She's a hard customer. Im sure deep down she wants a settlement too. I just don't know. There's never the right time. Guess I'll just wait till I find a moment when I think Im ready for it. That sort of feeling. Or shall I just let it pass? Sigh, I just don't know.

What do they say if a dream keeps recurring? And each time it's half finish.. Hmm I don't know what's the significance. Might wanna try and read books that talk about these things. I think I've seen and read them somewhere in Borders. I dreamt that I had a haircut last night. Haha weird. In it, I remember thinking to myself that I didn't need one during the haircut. I was glad when I realised I didn't had it afterall. Yaaaawwn.. Wonder what dreams I'll have later.. Guess sleeping without any dreams is better. Sweet dreams just brings you down. Those early moments when you wake and realise that it was all just a dream really is an anti climax. Demoralising!

I've not hit town for a while now. That barren exile should be broken very soon. Pay's finally here! Im excited. Those night outs - The stars and snow flakes. Can't wait for later.. My eyes will be transfixed on the screen. 4 digits. Cool.

3.47am

F***! I really should sleep now. Good night. Arrivederci

12 Dec 05 - 3.49am

It's More Than Just Words

2005-12-08T23:20:00.000-08:00

8 Dec 05 - 9.33pm
Radio = James Blunt - Tears And Rain

My friend commented that Im getting emotional. Perhaps. Have been past few months, years. Lately. Perhaps I've always been[?] Only kept it low key[?] Hmm sigh sigh sigh.

Went to Johor the other day. Group of five inc Ain, Rai, Mai and Zam. It was one crazy outing. I've never eaten so much food in a day till then. From the moment we reached till night, all we did was eat like there was no tomorrow. I was cast under their spell. Stomach abuse! No complaints though. The food was excellent. And at the sumptious seafood dinner, I didn't have to part with a single cent. How cool is that! Power to the friends! It was nice catching up with the group after the last outing. That was sometime late of last year?? A good day spent. And I'll say it again.. It was a crazy crazy outing of food frenzy madness!!

A lot has happened the past week. Those many events caused by a single occasion. Part of the truth: Had a "quarrel" with mum. A verbal disagreement would be more exact. I thought the earlier issue had settle. Was willing myself to forget about it, those things she did. She called a couple of friends [so I thought] of mine to get some feedback on her. "Spying" in a way. All this without my knowledge. And those so called "friends" gave some very nice reviews. Real nice. Again I didn't know about this. They didn't tell. Silence is easy.. Really upset. Still, was just getting on.. and then came the shocker. Re-offender. Only mum went one better this time. Invited a friend over.. [??] Got her through "spying" on my list of friends contacts. Again done without my knowledge. [!!] More importantly what was she thinking!!?? Trying to "hook" me up with her I'd say. If she had meant well, that wasn't right. If she'd just wanted to get to know my friends, could have asked. Would have gladly provided the numbers. Not through the back door. Well... that's mum. Unique in her own way. So full of surprises. Spectacular. Sometimes I think she's a mini psycho. Pains myself to be saying all these. But just that the things she do, the way she thinks; I just wished she could see and understand better.

Anyways the whole meet the friend/parent session has been resolved..at least for now. At least for me..knowing that it's no use to ponder and dwell. Spoke to that friend. She felt guilty about it all. I don't know what to make of it. If she's partly to blame for the involvement. Reason was taken. All apologies but Im not sure if I merited one in the first place. Im wasn't angry, just confused. I just wished it never happened. Anyways she's off to Australia like forever for work. Should be on the way now. Hope we'll keep in touch and remain friends as we've been. As it should.

Had a short but very useful conversation with dad earlier. Strange considering that we usually don't share much of a conversation. It would have been some achievement whenever we'd complete two sentences together. And so dad stole me for a second.. Conversations and clarifications. Some things I heard that I was glad with. Some things not. Think generally I felt slightly better after that. It would have been better had he not spoilt it with the S$1K loan question. Sheesh kebab

And so it is... Just like you said it would be...

But I hope things will get better. And no [more] surprises. Im just seeing how things will unfold and develop. Take things as they come and I hope I have the patience to wait. Me and Mum?? We're on a cease fire. I'll be pushing for a peace treaty soon.. Wish me luck.

Gosh. All the emo you speak...
[And to the anonymous lilchiquitita - where are thou?]

8 Dec 05 - 11.14pm

Try To Find Somebody Then You Die

2005-11-28T01:47:00.000-08:00

28 Nov 05 - 12.13am
Radio = The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony

Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today? [Part 2]

Im pissed. The TV's down. I can't watch the EPL game!! Man U's playing. Im really pissed. Gotta wait for dad to fix the TV. Shitos. Im really really pissed.

It's been a while since I wrote and talked about work. Guess everything's back to normal now. The dust has settled. Finally [I think]. No more missing the old team. Though on the odd days, the feeling returns. And I get moody all over. Sheesh. Today. Had a good day at the office. 3 simple routine cases attended. No strings attached. And everything went smoothly. Arrrrr if only every day was like this..

Right. This is really demoralising. Not when you're thinking everything will be ok and you think.. "Im ready to progress to the next level". The parents have spoken. And it's not good. Is this another of fate's many cruel game of twist? Come to think of it, I had not thought of this nor even expected it. The backlash. It sure hit hard. It was only during in the van when it got across my mind. Thanks to Indra's constantly bugging me with it. I was worried. And true enough, my fears were realised the very next day. I was bitterly disappointed. The way she handled and said it. Im sure it could have been dealt with another better way. Advise? Or sat me down and discussed at the very least. That day. I slept throughout. I just didn't want to think about it. Woke up the next day, the feeling remained. Hated it. I just couldn't shake it off my mind. I kept on thinking of why they just couldn't be more accepting and open-minded about certain things.

But when I really sat myself down and think, I thought perhaps it was all said and done in my best interest. Im sure they meant that. The more I think I of it now, I think whatever reasons they've laid, they make perfect sense. It's my LIFE. I gotta decide, plan and think better than what Im doing currently. But it's not to say that I agree 100% about the things they say. And Im not saying Im fully satisfied. I've got a few of my own principles. I think they're reasonable enough. So with that said, I don't think Im gonna throw it all away. Not giving up.. not yet. Let's wait. There's still some time. I hope the second coming will be a happier occasion. Just gotta be patient, though I dunno for how long more.. But like they say, good things comes to those who wait.. Fingers crossed. Hoping. Praying.

1.44am

It's over. I've missed the game. Im freakin' pissed! Cable guy - Tomorrow.

It's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

You know I can change
I can't change

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Have you ever been down?

28 Nov 05 - 1.45am

Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today? [Part 1]

2005-11-26T19:05:00.000-08:00

26 Nov 05 - 5pm
Radio = Stereophonics - Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today?

Life has never been easy for me. Never was and never is. Why is this such? Is He even listening to all I've been asking for? Or have I just been asking the wrong questions.. For once I really wished that things would have gone the way I wanted it. No. I can't remember a day where I was really really happy over something. It's only on those few moments. And then they're gone. They never last. Somehow I feel like Im being punished by Him. I don't know for whatever reason[s]. How come there are people who are worse than me behaviour wise and yet seem to enjoy their life more, and have all the luck in the world. Why are they not punished for their many sins? The things they're are forbidden to do but still do, with such arrogance. Of cos I believe they'll get their dues in the afterlife. But at least they're enjoying life while they're living it. Me? I seem to be drifting along with time. I just can't change this. Am I trying hard enough to change it? I just dunno. Should I be grateful for the kinda life that Im having right now? I know I should. I've got a family. Though we may not be the happiest but we're still together at least. I've got friends. Great wonderful people. I've got a job. A stable one. And what of love? I've always thought that Im sorely lacking and missing in that department. I think that's the only thing Im left without. Anyway talk about that next time. So I guess there are a lot of others who'd be happy just to have a pinch of the life Im having. Bla Bla Bla.. I should stop complaining right? And yet it's just that one thing that I wished He'd grant me. Satisfaction. "I can't get no satisfaction!" I just wanna feel satisfied living. All the things that will make me feel that way.

Write down all the things that you'd like to say
Write down all the things that you'd like to change
Write down all the places you'd like to stay
Write down anything that you want
Is yesterday, tomorrow, today?
Is nothing gonna change the way?

26 Nov 05 - 7.04pm

How Bout Friday Night...?

2005-11-18T16:04:00.000-08:00

18 Nov 05 - 2.47pm
Radio = Better All Day

Im waiting for Erin's reply. See if she says ok for today. I had planned an outing, meeting.. whatever you call it. I think she's still asleep. At this hour? YES! Must be tired from all that festive outing she had last night. Plus she's a heavy sleeper anyway. So no surprises there actually. Im still waiting...

I've got a feeling. Im thinking about someone. And strangely enough, I can't keep my mind off it. Off that someone. It's very strange. Never felt the way Im feeling right now. Hmmm. Could it be the signs that friends were talking about? Should I tell? But when is the right time...? Answers. Answers. Answers.

Listening to Indra's song right now. Well I could say our song actually.. Can I? To be honest, it's a lovely song. The words, the tone, the riffs make it into one nice song. Really relaxes me. The weather's helping too. Currently raining outside. Drizzles. I love that. Lately we've been planning for a band reunion.. if I can say that we were ever one in the past. I think we were. Haarrr miss those jamming sessions, acoustic sessions. Playing Oasis/Travis /Coldplay songs.. I remembered how I was always anticipating for the moment, step into the studio and start blasting away on the guitar. No matter how much we sucked at playing together, we always had fun. Always. Those days were such a blast. And now, there's talk of a reunion. Suddenly Im all excited. Feel the adrenalin rush just talking about it. I hope this works out.. finally.

How bout friday night?
Friday night's ok
Just keeps getting better
And better all day

18 Nov 05 - 4.02pm

Everyone Gotta Be Somewhere

2005-11-12T17:56:00.000-08:00

12 November 05 - 3.59pm
Radio = Stereophonics - Traffic

..cont'd.

Right. I should finish this. Been trying to the last few days. Somehow I just couldn't find the motivation to satisfy the intention. Lack of free time was a factor too. Thoughts written here have been scattered into sections. Somehow rather I hope they'd fit in nicely..

That day. 7 Nov 05. It didn't start off well. Waiting for the bus was mentally torturing. 170. I think I've read an article somewhere in the papers about a complaint on it. The chap mentioned that he had to wait for so long till it arrived. Well now I can add me and Erin as victims of it now. I swore we waited for like 30mins. I think. Should be close nonetheless. Bum was getting swollen. And then while we were in the bus, didn't share much of a conversation. I couldn't really think of anything interesting to talk about. That was strange. And yes, she was sleepy anyway. I could see that. Great. I was bored and slowly getting restless. And then I started feeling sleepy.. Just great!! And so we basically laboured on through the whole journey. I was sure if it had taken any longer, I would have gone to lala land..Thankfully we reached destination soon enough. There, we met a man. He was a little "funny" - weird. He kept on talking to us like he'd known us for years. The atmosphere was such a reverse! Anyways.. he asked if we were a married couple..... excuse me..what?? I didn't know what to say. Clueless to how I should be feeling towards the remarks. A smile was all the brain could think of. So then I smiled...before instinctively both of us shot a "no we're not!" reply to him. From then on, I don't know if it was just me..he seemed to start paying more attention to her. Conversation wise. Bah! While he was busy chatting her up, I was busy writing on that white piece of entry paper. Good preparations a? I remembered hearing one of the many "interesting" questions he asked . One went something like if she was Eurasian [?? right!] cos he thought she looked like one....yawn! Wait did he just tried a pick-up line?? It had better not be cos if it was..then that would have been so LAME!! I knew she was starting to feel uncomfortable. Kept bugging me to hurry up. I was trying! I wanted to lose him just as much. And then out of nowhere, he told us that if we ever were short of money, we could turn to him for financial assistance. He'd be more than glad to help. And then he gave us his business card. Huh?? What the f***? What is he? Mr psychotic loanshark samaritan wannabe??!! He was eager. And maybe a little desperate. Anyway I almost forgot to mention how in the first place we had even got associated with him. As much as he appeared to be crazy, I didn't think he was. Rule of Engagement. We had made the first move and chosen him. Well, actually she did. Sigh, tsk tsk tsk.. But we needed a favour. Didn't have a pen. Whoa we really came "prepared"..! I tried asking but the customs officer couldn't bear to part with his. Awwww, okay! Then...we found our man!! And the rest is history.. "Lucky" choice. Ok, off we went then. Changed some money and headed to City Square. It's a little worrying when you get stared at "hungrily" by the locals there. Think walking chicken drumsticks like those in the cartoons e.g Tom & Jerry.. Haha. We were hungry. Two fickle souls resulted in some time deciding where to eat. But we knew our orders from the start. Pasta for her. I was going for Fish & Chips. Got into a cafe like restaurant. It was like as if we were in Swensen's cos everything in there replicated the franchise. Only that we were not. We were in Season's. Haha.. The food serving could have been more but that just explained why the prices were cheap. Still, nice edible food. Right. No complaints then. After that, we went out for a breather. For a smoke. Im gonna make her quit. Indefinitely. We bought 4 packs of cigs. How to stash it through customs? .....I'll just say walking has never been so uncomfortable. At least for someone. Go figure. Haha. Hmm desperate time calls for desperate measures. I remember thinking as we were walking towards security, ..what if?? Think Brokedown Palace. Haha way dramatic..

Reached home in one peace. We figure we'd go to town to chill through the night. I have a story to tell now. It's called The Loo. See I was in the loo. Answered 2 calls. Phonecall from a friend and nature's call. Didn't know how long I was in there..cos when I went to the lobby of the loo [if you can call it that], Im saw a figure outside. A girl. And she was peeping into the Men's loo! Just then that tune, the sound you always hear in thriller movies when the killer stalks his victim, rang. In my head of cos. Shocked. Psychosomatic Addict Insane. It was Erin! What was she doing?? She said I was in the loo for so long that she had to check. "Check". Haha. Really? I didn't realise that. Or, was she just being a psycho peeper? Hahaha. But I believed her. Gave her the benefit of a doubt. But for God's sake, please please please don't ever do that again! Later we went to Starbucks where it would be our last stop. Nice setting. At one point, Damien Rice's Cannonball aired. Haaaarrr....really nice. Conversations. Conversations. And more conversations. Took some shots too. Could have had more. But it's difficult when you have someone deleting away pictures from the camera that were deemed ugly. Sigh..term candid camera counts for nothing then.. And yes I didn't get her anything. No gift. You IDIOT!! I felt bad. Really. But on the way back later, I did promise I'll get her one. And so the night ended. Celebration wasn't the way I would have wanted it to be. Could have been more exciting. Saying this, I think it wasn't that bad either. Something simple and sweet of a day to remember..

Went out with Indra the other day. 10 Nov 05. To the old home we went - Tampines. It's been like ages since my last visit. Things have changed. New shops everywhere. I was impressed. Got me some clothes and a PC mic. The latter luckily didn't cost a bomb. Did some window shopping and there were some things that I wanted but I just couldn't buy. Well I could actually. But then financial balance would have been somewhat upset. Not when it's still 30 days away from the next pay. Shitos! December wishlist just keeps growing.. Still, I got something that I didn't expect I would have gotten then. But I was glad I did. Got "it" out of the way. No more need to squeeze the brain for ideas. That was a surprise. Was good. And I love good surprises! Icing on the cake. Merci Indra..you're a genius! I just hope the juice was worth the squeeze. And no worries, I'll remember. $25 bucks into your coffers next pay. Merci Beaucoup..

That same day. Sandy went to the hospital for the results. I don't know what's the outcome. Only know she's given an option for an OP. I hope everything's alright. Nothing life threatening or anything like that. Really really hope so cos I kinda sensed that it could be more than that and she's not telling..

The thing about relationships - it's like.... a comet. It could strike or miss you. And when it does hit, it breaks to you gently or strikes as hard as a curve ball. Either ways you would never know what hit you. You've fallen deeply in OR out of it. And the biggest worry is of cos the latter. It's depressing. It's sad. It's pathetic. I don't wanna feel that way. No one does. Everyone wants a homerun. We all wanna fall into cupid's spell and see it through. Who doesn't? I want that. But I don't know why.. with me, the cons always outway the pros. Or so I see it to be... [?] Perhaps that is why the comets have missed me all this while. I could be partly responsible for that. I might have avoided them in the first place. Now. I can't help thinking. Possibilities. A genuine opportunity awaits. Everyone seems to share the same opinion. A friend said I should give it a go. Im thinking...perhaps. I should. For the consequences, I shouldn't worry about it now. I've been worrying long enough anyway. They will come as you go. And things change. Just hope and pray everything will be alright. Im glad I had that conversation. Thank you. A friend in need is a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better..

5.52pm

Late!! Right Im off to work.. Arrivederci

12 Nov 05 - 5.55pm

Find Someone I Can't Stand To Live Without

2005-11-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

7 Nov 05 - 12.51pm
Radio = The Perishers - Going Out

Ideas. Ideas. Ideas. I've never been one to plan things and see it through. More of a spontaneous person. Accidents. Things happen there.. that moment. So..which is why Im kinda stuck in a situation right now. Today's Erin's birthday. And I haven't got a clue of what to get her. Shitos! And where o where do I bring her to????? It's not like there's many interesting places to go to anyway. Would have helped if there was some kinda carnivals going on..Would have really help. Gosh.. Anyways, she's came out with something. [should I be hiding my face? REMINDER: Im no planner!]. We're going to JB. That's something very new for me. It's not like I've never been there before...it's the "We" part. Well you know what I mean

1.07pm

Time check. Ok for once I really don't wanna be late. I should be getting ready now...NOW!

Alright. Good luck. Im thinking whatever happens today..happens.. Have Luck. Have Faith. Have Hope. And as they say Love will spread around... I know. I just made that up. But one thing's for sure, tonight Im going out....

...to be cont'd

7 Nov 05 - 1.20pm

Why Don't We Share Our Solitude

2005-11-03T02:50:00.000-08:00

2 Nov 05 - 11.50pm
Radio = Mew - Comforting Sounds

Ok I'm only updating this cos someone asked me to. I've been lazy to lately.. And I don't know why I'm obliging to this person.. Hmmm. [Have I been cast under a spell?]

Alrite. Yesterday. 1st November. 2 occasions. The other - Deepavali. It was the first of many happenings. Family didn't go out for dinner or anything like that to celebrate.. I understand why. With all the preparations for Raya goin on..who has the time? Sobs.. But at least I got some well wishes from them and some close friends. Was alright. I did went out anyway..briefly.

Met Ms Sand. She was "kind" enough to accompany me. [haha] Photocopy-ing her antique kid bankbook[??] I've never seen that bank book all my life! Cute though. Went to Gay-lang..boy was it packed with "pests". The young ones. And I was actually being dragged around by this seemingly "harmless" looking creature.. khakha. I didn't wanna go [but I did wanna - confused fickle prick me]..hated walking behind congested slow moving human traffic who were there just to show their unnecessary presence. You go somewhere for a purpose. I was there for 'dendeng'. Sure soak in the nice atmosphere. No complains about that. But just for the sake of goin there and be a hog?? Well most would say it's an eye candy there..I totally agree. LOTs of eye candy. Left, right, centre. Im one with a photograpic memory but I myself had problems keeping up.. Eyes can barely catch up. Brain working overtime to remember the last "picture" and the one before that and the one before the one before that.. Mind had problems updating the brain. But I had a picture well stuck in mind.. And she seemed to be following me wherever I was going. Eyes on me. Mine on hers. Duh..

"Humpty dumpty sat a wall. Humpty had a great fall.." What am I saying? Hmmm let's see. Ah I remember. How can I not. I've never had any one fall right in front of me on an outing and birthday that is before..But I did..I did..I did saw someone fall. [say it to the tune of tweety bird's quote..] Haha. It wasn't just a stumble or anything like that..it was smack down! Hopscotch jumping or whatever she was trying to do.. Try to act cute again [la]. Hahaha. Gosh Im bad. I should stop. It's alright. Only 2 souls saw the fall [I think. She wished]. Me and another orange-T guy on a bicycle. Plus she looked cute when she fell.. You've got the style.

Last stop - Coffee Bean. I wished the setting was better. What with line dance music playing in the background..Bah! It was hardly the laid back chill place for 2 people to have a decent conversation while sipping on their coffees. I had problems trying to persuade a stubborn head to go somewhere else.. She stood her ground. Well done. And so, we sat there..talking..and listening to that music. We might as well should have just joined in and line danced! Anyways, it was still a good feeling. Sitting and chatting and drinking on ice blended coffee. Im a sucker for that.

And yes I did one last stupid thing..Don't know if that's the right word. What was I thinking then..I can't figure out. But intentions were good. Trying to be sweet by doing a dumb thing.. Haha. That's not so bad is it[??]. Bus to home was near then. But I took an opposite 'trip' instead. But it's ok. No regrets at all. Maybe I didn't want the night to end yet. Maybe..

3 Nov 05 - 2.42am

It's Raya! Woohoo!! Sandy get the kilos.. That's an order!

2.47am

Im off hunting to the kitchen. Got soccer on TV later. This is gonna be fun... Arrivederci

It's hard to make sense
Feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens
If someone else comes
I'll just sit here listening to the drums

3 Nov 05 - 2.49am

Driftwood

2005-10-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

Oct 31 05 - 2.39am
Radio = M83 - Gone

For the first time I think I'm having some difficulties starting off. Lost for words. Lack ideas. But maybe don't need ideas anyway. Write what I feel there and then. The moment. So no plans. Just pang of emotions penned down. Here it goes... Come to think of it.. the year's coming to an end soon. 2006 becons. For this past year, I can't think of any significant thing I've done. Nothing. Zips. Thinking.....2.58am. .....Nope nothing. It's all been work shit work. Im really getting tired of it. 3 years and counting. I've always had better plans for my time. But work seems to have had a grip on my time. Im stuck in this zombie schedule. Where's the work life balance?? It's more of slavery for work. What worries me most is how fast a year has gone and seeing how little I've done in life. Heck Im even turning a year older very very soon!! Look around. Friends. They've got their degrees and diplomas. Education = checked. They've got their vehicle licences. Personal Enhancement = checked. Bikes and Cars. Transportation = checked. They've got their lovers. Emotional Support = checked. Everything seems to fall nicely for them.. Some things I know you have to work for it but the others?? Sometimes I think it is true. Some people just have all the luck. They just. Or blame me. Resting on my laurels for too long??? Concentrating on work too much that Im actually ignoring other life aspects without realising it. Gosh I need a plan. I need a life planner! Just dat little bit of spark to ignite things around. Im worried. I think Im drifting. Turning into driftwood.. and that worries me... A LOT.

I'll go to sleep now. Sleep my worries away..As I always do.

Oct 31 05 - 3.53am

Guide me. Give me your strength.

2005-10-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

Oct 20 - 10.06pm
Radio = Gavin Degraw - Chariot

Hmm time's a flyer. Fasting month's already passed halfway thru'- 14 days to raya. Isk.. Dunno if I've actually put on or lost weight.. cos I feel light. Looked in the mirror - Body's a lil skinnier.. hmm I might have lost some pounds. Shitos. People have said that I look skinnier than they remember before. Last time this boy was full of cheeks. Perhaps now not so chubby as before..thank you thank you thank you. But I'm still cheeky tho'.. gramatically.

Funny how I'm actually looking forward to this year's raya. Perhaps perhaps perhaps, I'm missing friends more than ever. Enthusiastic [la].. And to think that I'm not even gonna get any $ collection. Been 3years since I last pocketed?? Nowadays focus is more on output than input. Any unexpected inputs are a bonus. More of it pleaaaaseee! Gone are the days.. Sigh.. I miss the sight.. Hundreds of loaded raya envelopes in front. Counting them with gleeeeeee........
Money Money Money.. Must be funny in a rich man's world.
It's honey to me. It's all sweet. And yes, leaves a sticky mess too.

P/S: I hate you. Yes you know who you are... I hate you! Yes you know who you are.. I hate you!! Haiya..what happened to the plan [la]. Perhaps it's my fault too..khakha. I'll say sorry for my part. But I knew I'd be awkward with the situation being a third party there..I don't even know the person! I'm a brick of walls around new people. They'd have to knock their walls down first.. And got to know the person's quiet???? Noo Noo Noo.. The combination's got disaster written all over. Next time please plan the outing for the 2 of us only ok. Only ME + U. I hate you!!!
Director: Geylang take two... Action!

Lately I've gotten to know 2 new people Ana* and Lisa*. Nice additions to my list of friends. Especially since they're a crazy bunch. Love seeing craziness in people. They take themselves less seriously. To the newbies..if you're reading this..don't ever be sane please. I don't know what happened to the old collection of friends..most. Lost somewhere..They got themselves "lost". Are they or am I the one who's lost??
Oh where are thou[s]?? But I know I'll see your face[s] again.. come Hari Raya. Come quickly..

11.42pm

Still waiting for a call..

Oct 20 05 - 11.44pm

*Names have been changed to protect their identities.

I Feel So Uninspired

2005-10-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

Oct 13 05 - 1.37am
Radio = Big Runga - Sway

Perhaps it's in me.. Maybe I should have been a writer instead..

Haven't really been in the pinkest of health lately... Hmm pinkest.. How often do u see the word..Pinkest. Pink. Can't make of what I feel about the colour..I think it turns me off. I think. Sorry pink lovers.. Maybe turn off is too strong a word. Let's put it as irk.. Ya I think that's it. Irk. I remember that whenever I have to hold something that is pink..e.g umbrella..that's often.. I get irked. Don't ask y..it's just natural I guess. To even be putting on something pink..forget it. I'll never wear the colour. Hell no. Not in this lifetime. Not ever... Ay what the f***? This wasn't what I was gonna write about.

As I was saying, have been falling sick past few days too easily for my liking. This is strange. Not saying that I don't get sick ever but it's seldom that I do. Been having sore throat and fever. The latter's gone. Luckily. Combination of those two is sick-ening. This sore throat is proving more of an unlikely challenge. The thick phlegm and all..urgh. It's been what 3 days? Only now its showing some respite towards recovery. Hopefully that continues.. It's irritating when you're talking and suddenly losing your voice. Only consolation I think with the grainy husky voice, it sounds sexy sometimes. Hahaha. But I want my sweet voice back!

Everything is unchanged. Im still waiting for the driving licence that was promised 3 years ago. "You'll be given a driving licence once you sign with force alrite...bla bla bla bla bla.." It's ok...I can wait.. take your time.. F***!!!! Think once I have that..new horizons will be opened. I'll go anywhere whenever I wanna..arr dats the life kimy. I'll never be late.. Maybe not as often as it used to. So suck at planning time. I need a time planner. No more relying on public transports. No more standing in crowded buses/ MRT trains. Im tired of those. And save me from those body odours pls! Plus taxis are a f***ing waste of my money. So.. Well... haven't been doing anything new that I can brag about. Work's getting old. Im stressed. Need a break. Looking forward to going on a holiday soon..maybe in a month's time? Or december perhaps.. Don't care where..anywhere but here! Basically I need a getaway. Hmm I might need a travel guide...

2.31am

Been trying to add audio to friendster and blog.. how the hell do I do it???? All I get in the search internet are video codes. Understand you gotta take the URL and paste it into the profile. But how do u get the f***ing URL in the first place!!?? I need help man.. I play nice music..such a waste of talent.

Hmm still no luck in finding that elusive songbird..Maybe I'll need to go out more often. Where to? Chinatown? Little India? Geylang? Town? At least Hugh Grant had a hunt place to go to in About A Boy - SPAT. "Single parents alone together.. All for one and one for all.. Woooo!!" Hahaha..
Hmmm or is she already there waiting??? Shit here I go again..

Where are thou?? Sway my way...

Arrivederci..

13 Oct 05 - 2.43am

I Need Some More Of You To Take Me Over

2005-10-07T03:42:00.000-07:00

7 Oct 05 - 2.22am
Radio = Athlete - Chances

Perhaps it's in me.. Maybe I should have been a writer instead..

Work kinda got interesting today. In 3 years, this was the first time I actually 'participated' in it. To borrow those famous lines from Fear Factor : "To stare fear in the eye.." Well only for this case, I stared at death itself..eye to eye. The exhibit? Someone had bungee-d. While others do it for the thrill, this one I guess just wanted all to end..there and then. .. .. .. This was it. I didn't have to come, but I wanted to. Just to get over those initial first time nerves..actually u never get over the nerves, u just get on with them and do what your job requires you to. That's what they said. And I did it.. I helped lift the sheet and wa laa.. there he lay, face up. This one was clean. One piece. As much as I wanted to run and hide, somehow a bravier mini part of me told me to stay..close. And as bad luck would have it, I duno how I got nearest to him..I must have probably drifted near without my mind realising it. The personnel tasked to take the photos of the body then told me to help 'adjust' his head for a better shot.. ...errrm excuse me??!! Adjust what?? There..I swore I didn't feel my heart. What were u thinking u idiot??!! Standing close acting like a hero?? Now's ur chance then.. I remember saying a prayer as I walked to it. With both hands onto his partially bloodied head, steadying the head and adjusting it so it'd face a more central position. Think the skull probably had cracked. I felt it. Pieces.. While moving the body later to check for other things, I had to again hold the head. Shit I didn't wanna!!
NEWS: Man was in his mid 50's. Chinese. Suffering from a cancer in his head. Pity. Anyways it happened. And Im glad Im ok... No side effects. So far so gd. Let it stay that way pls.
Never in a gazillion years would I ever do it again.. unless I have to... NOoooOO...!!!!

3.17am

Checked the time. What the f***!

3.23am

Im hungry. Should I go eat now or save it for breakfast later in n hr's time...?

3.25am

Im thinking..I think Im getting better by the week, mentally and physically. Was suffering from fever last few days and of cos the mini depression thingy. I think getting on with things was the right decision. N maybe..just maybe it'd just get better in future. Let's just hope so. Im thinking..I think Im probably gonna eat right after this..

"Take all your chances while you can. You never know when they'll pass you by.."

"It's all about your cries and kisses. Those first steps that I can't calculate.. How to start again. It's all about you."

Excellent song.

7 Oct 05 - 3.41am

You Lost Your Trust And You Never Should Have

2005-10-06T00:32:00.000-07:00

6 Oct 05 - 12.41am
Radio = Coldplay - See You Soon

Perhaps it's in me.. Maybe I should have been a writer instead..

It's late and I know I should be tucked in bed by now but I dunno y Im not asleep yet. Things haven't been good the past couple of weeks but at least Im coping and slowly getting on I guess. Still not happy as I should be though. Looking forward for better things to come my way.

Today was the first day of a month's fasting. The day kinda passed quickly. No hassles. Was in bed about half the day, just lying around. The other half I spent on watching TV. And it certainly helps when you have friends vcd to watch. Tomorrow should prove more of a challenge. I'll be at work of cos. Hope the tour will be kind to me. Smooth n steady..

1.01am

Damn it I should be sleeping already! Arite dats it for the day. Im off to bed definitely maybe.. Arrivederci

6 Oct 05 - 1.07am